I is married now! We’re not so civilized after all.

On Friday, August 29, 2008, the state of California recognized our relationship as a legal marriage. I’d like to point out that this something that Religious Society of Friends, our friends, family and co-workers already recognized for years before. Better late than never, California.

We decided to get married on this day because J’s parents were staying with us, and my mother was generous enough to fly up to the Bay Area from Orange County to be a witness to what we have called, “our civilizing ceremony.” It was less a wedding and more a civil union.

The day started out quite ordinarily. We putzed around the house, showed J’s parents the Old Oakland Farmers Market, and got sandwiches at Bake Sale Betty. There was really no prep other than “did you remember your ID?” One of the two flourishes of ritual we DID have was our professional photgrapher. Even though it was just a few dear friends and a few dear family, we wanted to make sure that the ceremony was documented and photographed. West Coast Rebecca, who was coming to the civilizing ceremony, asked if we would allow the ACLU of California to use pictures of our civilizing ceremony in their No on Prop 8 materials. If my face will ensure marriage equality, hells yeah!

In a piece of continuity, our photographer was the photo partner of the photographer who took pictures of our wedding in 2003. Our first wedding photographer, Gordon, spent his whole life in California but only recently moved to Oregon to be close to his two children. He referred his photo partner Michelle to us and like Gordon, she was perfect – warm, efficient, and friendly. She felt like an old friend from the moment we met her.

At 1:30 pm, we all took our showers and get ourselves pretty for the occasion. J and I decided to wear slacks and long-sleeved shirts because the day was already quite warm. Michelle came at 2:30 pm to take a few pictures of us and J’s parents. We then headed to the Alameda County Office of the Clerk and Recorder. Amidst all of the county government buildings, going to the Office of the Clerk and Recorder felt like going a very friendly DMV. We filled out the marriage application on the computer and then took a number (W370!) and waited to be called. As we waited, West Coast Rebecca and Bellisima arrived, followed by my cousin Anna. I was really touched Anna came since she worked in finance and had to get up at 4:00 am for work every morning. It was really sweet of her to give up her afternoon nap for us being civilized. Fifteen minutes later, my mother and brother came in. We waited expectantly for our number to be called and were giddily excited when the feminized computer voice announced “Now serrving, W370.”

Funnily enough, the person at the counter did not want her picture taken as she was filling out our marriage license application. Michelle did a great job finding angles that captured us filling out the forms without showing the camera-shy desk jockey. J was gallant enough to allow me to be Party A and J would be Party B. When the forms were completed, we were instructed to wait for the Commissioner to come and perform the marriage ceremony.

After more pictures were taken, the judge came and called us up. As all of us were already in a giddy mood, our spirits were lightened even more at the sight of this stately, Janet Reno-esque woman with a deep voice in a judge’s robe and stole. She was the perfect mix of dignity and fun (especially when we saw that she was wearing purple socks and black shoes under her robe).

We rode the elevator to the wedding room and were surprised again by the simple beauty of the room. Two walls had floor to ceiling windows, filling the room with sunlight. At the center of the room was an intricately carved wooden podium. Facing the podium were two wedding ring quilts hung at an angle to each other. There were rows of benches for all of our friends and family.

The Commissioner beckoned us to stand in front of the podium and asked us about how long we were together. We answered that we had been together for close to ten years and had been married in a Quaker ceremony in 2003. It was nice to hear her approving chuckle. Then she asked everyone to be seated.

Here’s the thing, we totally expected for the ceremony to be, well, governmental – official and perfunctory. We already had our wedding. We just wanted the state of California to recognize it. But once we walked to face the Commissioner at the podium, I had this sense of happiness that made me feel light as air. There was this wide smile on my face and I looked at both J and the person marrying us. Maybe it’s because we already had a wedding with all the bells and whistles that we could look at each other with pure happiness.

The Commissioner took the ceremony seriously and said all of the things that you say in a wedding – “Do you T, take J to be your lawfully wedding spouse, to have and to hold, to honor and cherish all the days of your lives?” My voice rang clear and loud, “I do.” She asked, the same of J whose voice came loud and strong. She then asked us to join hands and repeat the vows of having and hold and loving and cherishing. I repeated them and added that this was the second time I was committing to share my life with J. J echoed the sentiment, saying that he was taking me to be his spouse, for the second time. Using the ring that J wore since our wedding and the ring I ordered to replace the one I lost, the Commissioner blessed the rings as a symbol of our everlasting commitment to each other. Finally, she said those important words, “By the power vested in me as Commissioner, I now pronounce you married under the law in the state of California.”

We waited for the administrator to print out our official marriage certificate and laughed about how easy it all felt. J and I got a big kick out of showing off the certificate and asked everyone to take a picture of us holding on to it like a diploma.

After the ceremony, Bellisima and West Coast Rebecca went to explore Jack London Square while our respective families retired to our apartment for drinks and dumplings. For dinner, we all went to Maritime East and were joined by June and Muffin who were delighted to hear the details of the wedding. We love Maritime East, a restaurant we’ve gone to with reliably excellent food and service. We had enough food to fill our bellies several times over. At dinner, my Mom made a wonderful toast about how proud she was of us and how happy she was to see us settled and married. In the middle of dinner, J and I made toasts recognizing how much we love and appreciate our friends and family.

At dinner, J turned to me and said, “I am embarrassed to say this but during the ceremony, I wanted to quote Oprah Winfrey from the Color Purple and say, ‘I IS MARRIED NOW.” This was a powerful affirmation of the strength of our relationship as I was thinking that the entire ceremony. I then relayed this to the lesbian foresome and Muffin then exclaimed her deep and abiding love for the Color Purple and laughed heartily at our shared “I IS MARRIED NOW” thoughts.

This was different, no huge guest list, no big catered dinner. But somehow, it was special and important just the same. I am deeply grateful to have such a wonderful person to spend the rest of my life with. I am just as grateful to be surrounded by friends and family who love us and support our union unconditionally. For ten years of our being together we’ve been blessed with a healthy relationship and loving friends and family. After ten years we get to live in a state and honors and respects the life we’ve created. Thank you California!