Someone else's same gender wedding

So Scotte at EatWithMe has been my blog buddy since the early days of the dc blog. Over the years J and I have become in person friends with Scott and his partner Jason at Dancerindc. I am in deep awe of them, especially when I came for their Thanksgiving dinner and they seamlessly served a full dinner along with a pre-dinner tasting menu. Given their excellent taste, I wanted to share their wisdom in having a same gender wedding.


So how did you two decided on having a wedding? I assume that like most of us, you were probably living together and knew you were in it for the long haul well before you decided to get hitched?

We were living together and had just entered our fourth year together. We decided one night, February 2004, when the President held a press conference to give the world his opinion on the whole gay marriage issue. We felt like we had been slapped in the face. It's not like we were expecting the President to welcome gay marriage with open arms, but to hold a press conference denouncing it as evil and the workings of Satan seemed a bit much. I guess Jason and I looked at each other and had this look of 'well, I guess we should do something about this.' So we officially considered ourselves engaged and over the next few days started letting friends know.

What was it like being two men getting engaged and having a wedding? How did your friends and family react? Were their any surprises?

Our friends couldn't have been more excited. Perhaps even more excited than we were. A few friends made gifts to the Human Rights Campaign in our honor. We received cards and well wishes from everyone. For our families we had to tread a little more carefully. For my mother, I had to make sure she understood what we were doing; getting married, but without any legal rights and responsibilities. I had only come out to her a few years earlier, so having a gay son was a little new to her. She was very excited and happy to join us for the special day. But she was the only representation from my family. I know one of my aunts wanted to come, but her ex-husband refused to let her go! Funny how an ex-husband had that kind of control, but he threatened in some way and with kids in the mix, she didn't push it. I guess he thought she'd catch the gay and bring it back to the kids? Another aunt wanted to come, but scheduling wouldn't permit. There are many other family members who don't know, even today, as I'm not out to them (mother's request, which I've honored, long story for another day.)

Jason also had to tread lightly with his parents, both of whom are more religious and had been cautious towards our relationship. His mother joined us, as did several of his aunts and uncles. His father and brother didn't attend. That being said, they have really come a long way over the years in accpeting us as a couple. It's really very amazing to see family members transform when they need to own up and accept that their children may not be what the parents originally wanted, but they are their children and come to realize they must love them, gay sparkles and all.

What was the tone of your wedding? Whimsical? Elegant? Elegantly whimsical? What kind of things did you want to highlight in your wedding?

We really didn't have a theme or tone. At this point in our lives we were completely broke. We had no money and there wasn't much financial support from our families for this, so we had to cover almost all expenses ourselves. We also didn't want to add any addition debt, so the whole event needed to be paid for out of what we could save for the next several months and what we were willing to part with from our savings!

So, what we wanted to highlight at our wedding was our relationship and our friends. We used our friends for all aspects of the wedding. DJ-friends, Photographer-friends, Participants-friends...all the roles that needed to be filled were filled by friends and it made it all the more perfect.

Instead of a bunch of flowers, our friend just offered to make boutonnieres for the wedding participants, and a simple centerpiece arrangement. We brought from a wholesaler what he had left for the week, which made it all very inexpensive.

Ok. Let's talk details. Where did you have it? How many people did you invite? What was the ceremony like? Did you use an officiant?

Back to the money issue, we couldn't go hog wild. So we used a lovely space at the Human Rights Campaign headquarters here in DC. We were the second same-sex wedding in the space. There was a lesbian wedding before us. The whole party was in the one place...and it worked really well. We set up the ceremony space in one portion. Dance floor in another and bar/reception space in the last part of the space. I loved it.

I think we invited about 60-70 people, hoping to have 50 people. Which is exactly what we ended up with. There were many people we wanted to invite, but due to budget and space, we had to narrow the list down. It hurt knowing we had to cut out certain people, but I believe they understood our situation.

The ceremony was brief. And full of friends. We had one friend serve as our MC. He asked if he could marry us and he'd be willing to be ordained. As that wasn't important to us, we skipped that part. We had 6 other participants. Each one did a reading in some way. A reading from the Book of Ruth, from Plato's Symposium, an Apache prayer, a portion of a poem by Kahil Gilbran. And of course, this being a gay wedding, a song from a musical...”Somewhere” from West Side Story. Our participants came from all corners of our lives. Our old lesbian landlady whom we loved dearly. Former roommates. Best friends. Our mothers escorted us into the ceremony, followed by the participants.

We each wrote our own vows. Jason did his months in advance and they were silly, perfect and absolutely wonderful. Mine were written about an hour before and I cried like a baby, so no one heard them anyway. After all the smooching, “For Once In My Life” played and we ran out of the room for a two minute breather. Then we came back in, with another song introducing us as a couple.

We did the rounds saying hi, hello, love you, you look great, etc. Then we danced our first dance to Rosemary Clooney's “I've Grown Accustomed to His Face.” Then we danced with our moms to “My Girl” and then kicked off the party with a little Prince and “Let's Go Crazy.” Good times.

What was the most memorable part of the day?

There are two parts of the event that stick out most in my mind. Jason coming from a background in dance, has a lot of friends who are dancers...there was a dance off in the middle of the party. A room full of sexy women strutting and dancing in high heels. It was remarkable.

And during the toasts. We asked two friends to give toasts. We listened intently and smiled and loved the very kind words from both friends. Then they start quoting someone, who was "Scott & Jason's favorite author." Well who the heck is that? There are these great words about finding love and friends and happiness and all that. She was quoting Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City...we were on the floor in tears, laughing. Brilliant.

Of course we can't do this without talking food. How was the reception? What did you serve?

I think the food was a surprise and everyone really enjoyed it. I went to my favorite deli I'd frequent during the work week and asked if they could cater a reception. Cheese and crackers and deli meats for sandwiches and a variety of antipasta nibbles. They did enough food for 50 people, PLUS! for under $300. The guests seemed to enjoy because it was thereto just snack and eat as the evening went on. No one was left without anything to eat (except me!) and there was no pretention of fancy-schmancy. Yes, I like to consider myself an amatuer gourmand, but I was NOT going to be cooking the day of our wedding, but also, I'm a little low-brow as well. So the food represented us well and filled peoples’ bellies. We also made it clear on the invitation that the reception would have light fare, so they could plan to get a full meal before hand if they wished.

Dessert. Had to have dessert. Instead of a cake I did make the day before, about 9 pans of Rice Krispy Squares. I made regular ones. Cocoa Krispy ones and even some Fruity Pebble squares. This was a lot of fun and a good surprise for our guests. There were also bowls of chocolate kisses around the room. Not a single person asked where the cake was.

Finally, any advice you'd give to another gay couple having a wedding?

We're approaching our 10th anniversary of being together, 5th anniversary of being happily wedded. What we remember is having a great time with our friends and family. And we did it without breaking the bank. When all was said and done, I think our budget MAXED out around $2,500. This included Jason getting a tuxedo! Don't fret about making the event about how much money you have to spend to impress your guests. Make the event about being lovey-dovey and having the best time you can imagine. Use the resources around you, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Oh, and ask your friends to volunteer their talents. I worried that asking our friends would make them feel ‘put out.’ Like they couldn’t come and just enjoy the evening; they’d have to ‘work.’ Well, they were honored to give of themselves and be a part of a very special evening, celebrating our relationship and we’re so very grateful.