I heart my Quaker wedding

So as you all know J and I got married in a Quaker ceremony. The Religious Society of Friends, the formal name for the Quakers, has been my spiritual home since I was in my 20s. They have no dogma or creed save that there is the spirit in everyone and because of that they require a commitment to nonviolence. Surprisingly, I never get bored of the sacred Quaker silence. It's how I feel close to the divine. On top of that, this is a community of faith with a commitment to social justice and peace.

Having spent my 20s as an attender of the Friends Meeting of Washington and an active attender at that, I knew this was the place I would get married. The Friends Meeting of Washington has a special welcome to Lesbians and Gays and withstood a hard discussion on whether to bless same gender commitments. A few years after that, the marriage ceremony was opened up to same gender couples and the commitment ceremonies were opened up to straight couples. This comes from a long line of marriage equality. The first Quaker marriages were considered illegal because Quakers believe that everyone is connected to the divine and therefore, a priest or any other intermediary is unnecessary. Quakers were also among the first communities of faith to bless interracial weddings. It is a special gift to know that my spiritual home has such a rich history of marriage equality.

The Quaker wedding process starts with the couple asking the Committee for Marriage and Family to form a Clearness Committee to discuss the marriage. The Clearness Committee is composed of members of the Meeting. Ours had a middle aged straight woman with college aged children, a Japanese American lesbian in an interracial relationship, and the tallest guy I had ever encountered. We called him the jolly Quaker giant and he was an artist and art teacher. The couple write a letter aobut their relationship and why they want ot be married under the care of the Meeting. The Clearness Committee meets in the months leading up to the wedding to ask the couple about their commitment to each other. Among the questions we were asked in the Quaker process was how we felt about having children, how we resolved conflict, and how compatible were our values.

If the Clearness Committee supports the marriage, they make a recommendation to the Monthly Meeting to place the marriage under the care of the meeting. The couple comes to the Monthly Meeting for Business and is presented by their Clearness Committee where their letter is read to the meeting. The meeting waits a month to make sure we are all comfortable with the marriage and if we are, the marriage is placed under the care of the meeting.

Once the date is set the couple makes a donation to the meeting so that a friendly office presence will be there to open and lock up. We were particularly blessed with our Clearness Committee because the Jolly Quaker Giant offered to make our marriage certificate. THe marriage certificate is important because the first "illegal" Quaker marriage were recognized because the certificates had signatures of everyone present at the wedding. It served as an official affadavit that the couple was indeed married. The Friends Meeting of Washington submitted the Marriage Certificates of same gender couples to the District of Columbia as proof the Meeting considered these couples married. Our marriage certificate had a oak tree and acorn to represent J's side of our family and a bamboo branch and shoot to represent my side.

Here's what is in the Friend's handbook about weddings:

From its beginning, the Religious Society of Friends has stressed the conviction that marriage is a binding relationship entered into in the presence of God and of witnessing Friends. Before this public commitment is made on the day of the wedding, the proposed marriage must have received the approval of the monthly meeting, given after careful consideration by an appointed committee.

The wedding itself is a meeting for worship, held after the manner of Friends, within which the marriage takes place. The wedding couple enter the meeting and take their places at the front of the room. In giving themselves to each other, they eliminate the custom of the bride being given away by her father. No third person pronounces them married because Friends believe that God alone can create such a union and give it significance. Neither a wedding party nor an exchange of rings is necessary to Friends' procedure, although both have become customary today.

In an atmosphere of quiet and reverence during the period of worship, the couple rise. Taking each other by the hand, they make their promises, using the following or similar words:

"In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee ... to be my spouse, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful spouse so long as we both shall live."

When the couple is seated again, the marriage certificate is brought for them to sign. Then someone who has previously been selected to do so reads the certificate aloud. This is done with dignity and care in order to contribute to the atmosphere of worship. The meeting then continues in silent waiting upon God while those assembled share in the worship through prayer and meditation or through spoken messages.

The person chosen to close the meeting may, if desired, provide an opportunity for the bridal party to withdraw. Those present are asked to sign the certificate as witnesses to the marriage. A copy of the certificate is made for the records of the monthly meeting in whose care the marriage has taken place, and the legal requirements are completed by a committee appointed by that Meeting.

Many Quaker marriage certificates, handed down from generation to generation, have proved to be valuable historical records. Today, as well, the certificate becomes a cherished possession in the new home, recalling the reverent attitude of worship with which the marriage began and the company of loving friends who took part in it.

Before we entered the ceremony, our Clearness Committee brought us into a room to have a moment of Quaker silence. We then walked, hand in hand, with our Clearness Committee ahead of us, and sat in the center of the room. The head of our Clearness Committee explained Quaker silent worship and the wedding process to the guests and we settled into silence. Out of the silence, J and I made our vows and exchanged our rings. after the exchange of rings, two close friends brought the table with our marriage certificate for us to sign. Our mothers then walked to the table hand in hand and read the certificate. As this was the affadavit to our marriage, it had to be read aloud so that everyone knew what they were signing.

Then the fun really began. We settled into silence once more and out of the silence came the first message about our couplehood from J's mom. I must admit she was a plant since she spent 30 years as a high school teacher and was an excellent public speaker. For the next forty five minutes people stood up and talked about us. Funny stories. Compliments on my cooking. Many tears. I lost it when my aunt talked about how proud my grandmother would be. This is where the Quaker commitment is real. Rather than a member of the clergy speaking to the guests, all of the guest were invited to extend their thoughts, wishes, and blessings to the couple. When there was a sense of the meeting that the blessings were done, J and I shook the hands of our honor attendants and then shook the hands of our Clearness Committee.

After the Quaker silence we had a few songs sung, and a read readings read. We walked out of the ceremony and all in attendance were invited to sign the marriage certificate. With the care and support of the Friends Meeting of Washington, we were married.