Do it yourself officiating

A few years back our friends Ron and Shyin' got married. Being two people who were fairly indifferent to organized religion, it was either justice of the peace or find a friend to officiate. They asked our friend Pauline to do it and a few clicks of a mouse later, she's ordained. Still, having a person officiating your wedding who's a friend presents a whole new set of things to think about. So for you, my readers, I wanted Pauline to talk a bit about being an officiant.

So how was your experience officiating a wedding? Fun? Nerve wracking?
- It was both of those things. I was very excited and flattered when Ron and Shyin' asked me to officiate for them. It was so funny to walk around my office and show everyone my "certificate of ordination". We had a lot of fun planning the ceremony. But the actual deed was more nerve wracking that I had anticipated. I don't have a lot of public speaking experience and I hadn't totally thought through what it was going to be like to stand up in front of 150 people and speak. Next time I will wear a longer skirt so no one can see my knees quaking--like I-thought-I-might-fall-down quaking.


How hard was it to become an officiant? What hoops did you have to jump through? In particular, did you have to register with the state or anything?
- It was not hard at all--except for maybe the evil looks from the county clerk. Shyin' had very thoroughly researched what to do and I did what she told me. In my case, I went to the Universal Life Church website and signed up. Then later I requested a letter of good standing from them and took that to the county courthouse. I showed them my paperwork (the clerk snorted), I filled out a form, they made me a card and now I am a card-carrying officiant who can perform marriages anywhere in Virginia.

What role did you have in setting the tone of the ceremony? Did you have a lot of input on how the ceremony would go?
- I had a big role in setting the tone of the ceremony. It was important to me take my role seriously, but I also wanted to make it light hearted and personal to Ron and Shyin'. I actually thought that I was going to write the ceremony, but then Shyin' handed me a script (two control freaks at work, she just doesn't procrastinate). I did not like her script. It was some nice quotes and vows that she had cobbled together out of a book of vows and it was very pretty, but I felt it was way to dry. If you are being married by a friend, who got on-line ordained to do it, then this is not a completely serious ceremony. But meanwhile, and partially as a reflection of my religious upbringing, I wanted to bring a sense of solemnity to the ceremony. So I worked with Shyin', and then Ron, to find the funny/solemn balance.

The one and only wedding that I went to in my church growing up, they did this charge to the congregation to support the marriage (United Methodists - they do the same with baptisms). Quakers do something similar, where you are officially married by congregation--the witnesses present--and not just by the officiant of record. Since they asked me, a friend, to marry them, I felt like Shyin' and Ron were being married by their friends and community and I wanted to reflect that in the ceremony.

At the same time I also wanted to tell their story. Ron would not have been my first choice for Shyin' when I met him, and I asked her pretty early on, "like how did this happen?" I remembered that she told me then they they loved baseball and very first connected, both physically and emotionally, while taking baseball. So I asked to bring that story into the ceremony and get some humor from that. Shyin' was a little dubious at first, but I brought her around.


What things did you need from the wedding couple? They gave you a script and I remember the whiskey-laced rehearsal that we had at M's beach house. Anything else that you needed?
- Well, I needed baseball statistics since I am not a baseball fan.

Shyin' chose all the elements of the ceremony, like the unity candle and the signing of the certificate and the readings. Those were all included in the original script. Obviously, I need their buy-in to the two parts that I wanted to add, opening with their story and the charge to the congregation. That was one of the main reasons we did the rehearsal at the beach. We were mostly clear on what we were going to do, but they really needed to hear it in order to believe that it was going to work and not be offensive or off-putting. Also, I hadn't quite worked out how I was going to phrase my talk about community in the ceremony. I knew what I wanted to say, but hadn't quite figured out how to phrase it for a non-religious (mostly) audience.

I asked Shyin' to sign off on my dress, since I was standing with the wedding party, but that was really all I needed from them.


I know that the you were a hit as an officiant. What do you think are the qualities of a good officiant? Does all it take is a certificate from the Church of the Back-of-the-Rolling-Stone-Magazine?
- People were so kind to me about the ceremony. People were very effusive with their compliments and I was very touched. At work, my boss always says that good introduction really raises the speaker up--almost puts them on a pedestal so that you are excited to hear what they have to say. I think the same is true of an officiant. A good officiant should raise-up the love story of the couple so that you are excited to be a part of their commitment and to support it. My success officiating for Shyin' and Ron is probably rather unique--I know their whole story, and was little bit of a doubter and a little bit of a convert--so I could bring everyone along with me on the journey of their ceremony. Someone at the reception sort of jokingly asked me to officiate for them, and I thought, I don't think I could do as well for them. I just didn't know them as well.