Lest you harbor any illusions about me

Ok. I have a rule about accepting an invitation to a wedding – I don’t go to a wedding unless there’s a tableful of people I know and like. I know, I know. The wedding is clearly not about me. BUT you know that most guests who aren’t in the wedding party or house party spend about five minutes with the wedding couple. If you are depending on being lucky and having a tableful of people you DON’T know pay attention to you, then you are the most optimistic person on earth.

In the 20 weddings I have attended in my lifetime, there have been only two where I didn’t know a soul and I ALSO had a great time. The first was at the Lacnaster’s wedding where the entire wedding party spent a week at one of the bridesmaid’s house and turned into a summer camp experience where we all went to the beach together and pledge eternal friendship by the end of the wedding. The second was at a college friend of J’s where I sat next to a college acquaintance of J’s who spent the whole ceremony cracking me up.

Even with those exceptions, most weddings are so much more fun when you have shared history with your tablemates and want to catch up with them. Without a tableful of buddies, the wedding has a high school reunion feel about it where you feel like you got something to prove to your tablemates. The worst case scenario is where you end up feeling isolated and resentful. But most of you aren’t me and can rise above petty feelings. I actually have a similar ban on high school reunions – I will never go to any of mine or accompany J on any of his.

Post Wedding Brunch

So there was this letter on indiebride about affording a post-wedding brunch.

CAN'T AFFORD BRUNCH?

Dear Elise:

My fiance and I, and my mother, to a lesser extent, are paying for our wedding in the spring. My fiance's mother is unable to contribute to any of the costs, which is fine, but we are running into a bit of a difficult situation in that we would like to have a post-wedding brunch, but neither we nor my mother will be able to finance another event. Is it extremely tacky to have a non-hosted brunch? I'm thinking it might be.

Thanks for any advice.

- Brunching Bride

Dear BB,

Simply stated: it is not a good idea to invite people to a party that they will have to pay for. There is no way to graciously issue this invitation and invariably people will show up, not realizing they were expected to shell out and wind up confused and possibly put out.

This does not, of course, mean that you have to give up on the whole brunch idea. Instead you should refine your plans. What can you afford to do? Could you manage a large-scale picnic-type event? There are a lot of ways to imagine an inexpensive brunch party once you take the whole sit-down meal out of the equation. An at-home buffet-style gathering could also be very affordable.

The bottom line is that you would like everyone to be able to get together, and this is possible even on a small budget as long as you reconfigure your expectations. See where revised thinking leads you and don't give up hope.

Congratulations,

Elise


I adore the advice Elise gives on indiebride because she's nice to the brides and gives them practical advice. This question is fun because I am a big proponent of ancillary events for weddings. Most guests will spend a grand total of seven minutes with the wedding couple during the wedding. That's just the way weddings go. But if you have a post wedding something, it creates a relaxed space for loved ones to spend some quality time with the wedding couple.

Traditionally, this has come in the form of a post wedding brunch, but I have seen this play out in several different ways. This is a chance to unwind, open presents, and catch up with everyone. Many couples get married in the early afternoon and have a late lunch reception. This leaves time to have a relaxed dinner. In the cases of a couple of housemates, we went pack to the group house, invited anyone who was free to come and chillax and ordered pizza. In the case of my friend Evelyn. they threw a party in their hotel room with cheese and crackers.

We had a post-wedding brunch hosted by Rootbeer. Knowing that noone was going to do any cooking the day after the wedding, we got a platter of bagels from Pumpernickel's and a pastry platter from Bread and Chocolate. Rootbeer herself was kind enough to provide her well appointed apartment and orange juice, coffee and tea. The brunch set us back and grant total of $80 bucks.

This brings me back to the original question which was whether to have a non-hosted brunch. It's pretty easy to have a hosted one that won't clear your bank account. Wine and cheese, pizza, or bagels don't need to set you back much at all. The funnest part of all of these events was that they got to use the arrangements from the wedding itself to decorate.

Once again, I would highly recommending doing a post wedding thing because the impact is low and the fun factor is high.

Interview - The Mother in Law

I adore all of my in-laws but my Mother-in-Law is my comrade in arms when it comes to event planning. The woman is fricking brilliant and every meal, gathering, and social event is planned so that the host can have as much fun as the guests. She was invaluable in putting together our first wedding and I've learned a lot about how to plan a successful event from her.

Not to give your age away but you've just celebrated your 40th Anniversary. What was your wedding like and what was the most memorable part of your wedding?

We did not have a lot of money to spend on the wedding, but we had a beautiful one. My Mother had some funny ideas about what was important - such as engraved invitations (which were very costly). My Grandmother was a seamstress and was going to make my gown even though I also sewed for myself quite a bit. We went to a department store in downtown Fort Worth to look at dresses to get some ideas. She never used a pattern, but she could look at something and copy it. I tried on a few dresses, and finally I tried on the one I loved. She loved it so much also that she bought it for me! We then got a Mantilla lace veil to go with it. In 1968 when I married there were no wedding specialty stores. You had to buy everything at the department stores. Grandmother then decided to also look at their Bridesmaid dresses, and we found one I loved. We ordered it and everything was very easy!

The church I grew up in did not have marriages, but I had been to a friend's wedding and I loved the pastor. We were able to have him for our wedding and we found a church we liked , Arlington Heights Christian on Camp Bowie in Fort Worth that would not be very far from our home. Dad maintained a beautiful yard and was very proud to have the reception in the backyard. Hester on the Hill, a wonderful steak restaurant hosted the rehearsal dinner and also did the reception. Back then, there were not huge dinners or appetizers at many receptions, and most of them were held in church fellowship halls. We had a lovely menu of party sandwiches, veggies, fruit, and two beautiful cakes. I remember the base of my cake was several heart shaped cakes in a circle! Mother had a very close friend who was quite wealthy and quite a society lady. She wanted me to use the porcelain bride and groom dolls that her daughter had used on the top of the cake. The evening was beautiful - the reception amazing, (we had an organist come and an organ in the backyard to provide music. Dad had lights in the trees and fans. It was beautiful. After the last guest left, we helped them take the organ in and then one of the worst Texas thunderstorms appeared quite suddenly. I was so grateful that we had finished the reception!

In the intervening years you've seen J and his sister married. How have weddings changed since the time you got married?

I think I might have answered some of this in the previous question! Mainly the reception has changed tremendously. Now, at most weddings there is a lot of food. There is also usually a lot of dancing to the great music of a DJ. Of course video cameras have also made a difference with all the attendee interviews. I think the ceremony part has not changed much.

What do you think makes a good wedding? What are things that make a guest feel welcomed and comfortable at a wedding?

I think the organization of the day creates an atmosphere of calm and happiness. I have attended disorganized, chaotic weddings where you could hear the photographer yelling at people or where food was not sufficient. It all goes down to the planning. Guests can "feel" the atmosphere and know when everything is running smoothly. Our daughter had a wedding planner, but she had also planned every detail of the week-end. Everyone connected to the ceremony received a folder with all pertinent information including phone numbers, times, and of course, a detailed list of duties! We also had a great large notebook with all kinds of ideas collected in it. We had lots of tab dividers, and throughout the year, if we were looking at a wedding magazine and found a favor we like or a bouquet, it was clipped and put in the binder.

So explain the concept of a House Party. That's a very Texas tradition but it's really useful.

I think the House Party is a southern tradition. It honors close friends/relatives who might not be bridesmaids. We usually only had four or five at most weddings. Being in the House Party was also an honor. My House party all dressed in pastel or floral print dresses. Each of them had specific duties. Before the wedding, several of them gave me a Bridal Luncheon. Also, they all met with the Bridesmaids to fix the rice bags and favors. During the wedding, two of the House Party members would be in of the members was in charge of the Guest Book, two would be at the gift table, and several had the honor of cutting the cake.

If someone you knew was getting married, what advice would you have for them in planning their wedding? What are the dos and don'ts?

I have probably covered a lot of this also. DO start early with the big decisions - church, reception location, caterer, photographer, DJ. Keep a detailed notebook of ideas. See if close friends who have married recently also kept a notebook. I know we used one that had been passed down to several brides. It had the best florist and the best cake decorator in the area. Get as much done as you can EARLY - dresses, shoes, etc. Have some "wedding free" days. Many grooms do not care about some of the decisions - make this clear and never leave the other partner out of a decision unless the partner has made it clear that he has no opinion. Get someone to help coordinate the activities. Make sure the photographer knows what shots you want. I have seen disasters occur over the photography. ENJOY the planning because the day goes by very quickly - in a flash.

Interview - a Straight Guy's perspective

In the short history of this blog, I've interviewed brides, officiants, and gay grooms, but I have yet to give a straight groom a word in edgewise. to correct this oversight, I've enlisted Mr. MC, East Coast Rebecca's "fiance." As everyone knows from East Coast Rebecca's interview, she and Mr. MC throw awesome parties. A ECR and Mr. MC wedding will be a guarantee of a good time so who better to speak for the grooms of the world than the uber-cool Mr. MC.

Ok. Not to get all academic on you, but how has or hasn't the role of a groom changed in our generation? What your role in the wedding? Are there any parts of the wedding that are your territory?

The role of groom has always been dependent on the two most important individuals involved: the bride and the mother of the bride. Our society tends to become more enlightened as things go along (current administration not withstanding), so just as you see more stay-at-home-dads and more diaper-changing stations in men’s rooms, so too you see more and more grooms having a say in the Big Day. And by “more and more” I mean that the meager 2% involvement of our fathers’ generation has skyrocketed to probably 5% today.

Like a lot of grooms the hardest part of my job is already done. I got on my knee (metaphorically), pulled out ring (again, metaphorically) and popped the question. From then on my most major job is quality control. She runs ideas by me and I agree. Truthfully, I’ve said no to a few things, but mostly I’m there as a sounding board for her ideas. I’ve been married before so I see this big day as requiring more input from her than from me and she agrees.

I’m in charge of my suit, the music, making sure the ceremony’s legal (ooh, a reminder I have to do that) and, eventually, a honeymoon. I was part of the make-our-own invitations assembly line and if we can ever afford to go on a honeymoon, I’ll plan that bad boy myself.


Speaking of roles of the wedding, what role will your daughter, Mr. Gander play for the wedding? She's so on it, I can't see her dressed in a poufy Junior bridesmaid outfit.

This is a small wedding. No bridesmaids or groomsmen, no flower girl or ring bearer. Mr. Gander will look stylish but, you’re right, nothing poufy. She is in charge of getting everyone’s picture taken for the guest book. I mean, we have a photographer, that’s done. But we’re going to have a digital camera and printer available and she’s in charge of getting pictures taken and printed and then returning them to people so they can sign them. Then, wham! Instant guestbook with photos. She’ll probably have a team of cousins to help her on her mission.

Like J and I, you and ECR have been together for a long time before any wedding talk came up. Do you think your relationship will change at all?

Yes. Like all married couples we will never have sex again.


What are you looking forward to about the wedding? Also, is there any aspect of the wedding that is particularly stressful or will it be a well oiled machine?

We recently had an engagement party where a bunch of our friends got together (duh, like a party) but it was more intimate than our parties usually are and a lot of our friends met a lot of our friends for the first time and that was really, really fun. So, I’m looking forward to seeing people together for the first time; Our families especially. My folks have never met her folks, so that’s going to be fun. My dad is almost identical to her brother-in-law in some very particular ways and we’re convinced having them in the same place is going to rip a hole in the space-time continuum. And, you know, feeling all that LOVE in the air, the support from friends. Should be very exciting.

As for well-oiled machine: no such thing. Things will go wrong. That’s okay. We’ve got the most supportive audience one could possibly imagine. It’s like you’re starring in the school play and every single person in the audience is your mom. No matter how big an egg you lay, the crowd is convinced you’re perfect. I have no fears. Except traffic. And rain. And ptomaine poisoning. And spontaneous erections. And the McCain/Palin ticket. Not necessarily in that order.

Finally, what would you like the guests to remember about the wedding? How hot we looked.

P.S. I am sad not go be in DC for your half-assed Halloween. I was dying to go as a Toilet Paper Bride.
Yes, Half-Ass Halloween V: Dracula’s Wedding will continue our wedding reception one week later, but with fewer family members and more inappropriate attire. I’m sorry you can’t be there, but perhaps you could dress up as a toilet paper bride at home and you’ll FEEL like you’re there!

I is married now! We’re not so civilized after all.

On Friday, August 29, 2008, the state of California recognized our relationship as a legal marriage. I’d like to point out that this something that Religious Society of Friends, our friends, family and co-workers already recognized for years before. Better late than never, California.

We decided to get married on this day because J’s parents were staying with us, and my mother was generous enough to fly up to the Bay Area from Orange County to be a witness to what we have called, “our civilizing ceremony.” It was less a wedding and more a civil union.

The day started out quite ordinarily. We putzed around the house, showed J’s parents the Old Oakland Farmers Market, and got sandwiches at Bake Sale Betty. There was really no prep other than “did you remember your ID?” One of the two flourishes of ritual we DID have was our professional photgrapher. Even though it was just a few dear friends and a few dear family, we wanted to make sure that the ceremony was documented and photographed. West Coast Rebecca, who was coming to the civilizing ceremony, asked if we would allow the ACLU of California to use pictures of our civilizing ceremony in their No on Prop 8 materials. If my face will ensure marriage equality, hells yeah!

In a piece of continuity, our photographer was the photo partner of the photographer who took pictures of our wedding in 2003. Our first wedding photographer, Gordon, spent his whole life in California but only recently moved to Oregon to be close to his two children. He referred his photo partner Michelle to us and like Gordon, she was perfect – warm, efficient, and friendly. She felt like an old friend from the moment we met her.

At 1:30 pm, we all took our showers and get ourselves pretty for the occasion. J and I decided to wear slacks and long-sleeved shirts because the day was already quite warm. Michelle came at 2:30 pm to take a few pictures of us and J’s parents. We then headed to the Alameda County Office of the Clerk and Recorder. Amidst all of the county government buildings, going to the Office of the Clerk and Recorder felt like going a very friendly DMV. We filled out the marriage application on the computer and then took a number (W370!) and waited to be called. As we waited, West Coast Rebecca and Bellisima arrived, followed by my cousin Anna. I was really touched Anna came since she worked in finance and had to get up at 4:00 am for work every morning. It was really sweet of her to give up her afternoon nap for us being civilized. Fifteen minutes later, my mother and brother came in. We waited expectantly for our number to be called and were giddily excited when the feminized computer voice announced “Now serrving, W370.”

Funnily enough, the person at the counter did not want her picture taken as she was filling out our marriage license application. Michelle did a great job finding angles that captured us filling out the forms without showing the camera-shy desk jockey. J was gallant enough to allow me to be Party A and J would be Party B. When the forms were completed, we were instructed to wait for the Commissioner to come and perform the marriage ceremony.

After more pictures were taken, the judge came and called us up. As all of us were already in a giddy mood, our spirits were lightened even more at the sight of this stately, Janet Reno-esque woman with a deep voice in a judge’s robe and stole. She was the perfect mix of dignity and fun (especially when we saw that she was wearing purple socks and black shoes under her robe).

We rode the elevator to the wedding room and were surprised again by the simple beauty of the room. Two walls had floor to ceiling windows, filling the room with sunlight. At the center of the room was an intricately carved wooden podium. Facing the podium were two wedding ring quilts hung at an angle to each other. There were rows of benches for all of our friends and family.

The Commissioner beckoned us to stand in front of the podium and asked us about how long we were together. We answered that we had been together for close to ten years and had been married in a Quaker ceremony in 2003. It was nice to hear her approving chuckle. Then she asked everyone to be seated.

Here’s the thing, we totally expected for the ceremony to be, well, governmental – official and perfunctory. We already had our wedding. We just wanted the state of California to recognize it. But once we walked to face the Commissioner at the podium, I had this sense of happiness that made me feel light as air. There was this wide smile on my face and I looked at both J and the person marrying us. Maybe it’s because we already had a wedding with all the bells and whistles that we could look at each other with pure happiness.

The Commissioner took the ceremony seriously and said all of the things that you say in a wedding – “Do you T, take J to be your lawfully wedding spouse, to have and to hold, to honor and cherish all the days of your lives?” My voice rang clear and loud, “I do.” She asked, the same of J whose voice came loud and strong. She then asked us to join hands and repeat the vows of having and hold and loving and cherishing. I repeated them and added that this was the second time I was committing to share my life with J. J echoed the sentiment, saying that he was taking me to be his spouse, for the second time. Using the ring that J wore since our wedding and the ring I ordered to replace the one I lost, the Commissioner blessed the rings as a symbol of our everlasting commitment to each other. Finally, she said those important words, “By the power vested in me as Commissioner, I now pronounce you married under the law in the state of California.”

We waited for the administrator to print out our official marriage certificate and laughed about how easy it all felt. J and I got a big kick out of showing off the certificate and asked everyone to take a picture of us holding on to it like a diploma.

After the ceremony, Bellisima and West Coast Rebecca went to explore Jack London Square while our respective families retired to our apartment for drinks and dumplings. For dinner, we all went to Maritime East and were joined by June and Muffin who were delighted to hear the details of the wedding. We love Maritime East, a restaurant we’ve gone to with reliably excellent food and service. We had enough food to fill our bellies several times over. At dinner, my Mom made a wonderful toast about how proud she was of us and how happy she was to see us settled and married. In the middle of dinner, J and I made toasts recognizing how much we love and appreciate our friends and family.

At dinner, J turned to me and said, “I am embarrassed to say this but during the ceremony, I wanted to quote Oprah Winfrey from the Color Purple and say, ‘I IS MARRIED NOW.” This was a powerful affirmation of the strength of our relationship as I was thinking that the entire ceremony. I then relayed this to the lesbian foresome and Muffin then exclaimed her deep and abiding love for the Color Purple and laughed heartily at our shared “I IS MARRIED NOW” thoughts.

This was different, no huge guest list, no big catered dinner. But somehow, it was special and important just the same. I am deeply grateful to have such a wonderful person to spend the rest of my life with. I am just as grateful to be surrounded by friends and family who love us and support our union unconditionally. For ten years of our being together we’ve been blessed with a healthy relationship and loving friends and family. After ten years we get to live in a state and honors and respects the life we’ve created. Thank you California!