So yeah, a man with a whole host of grudges decides to unleash it on a community of faith that decided to let the world know how open its heart actually was. I hope if anything comes out of this whole tragedy, it's that those of us whole believe in racial justice, rights for people of all genders and sexual orientations, and the ending of oppression can step forward and say we are liberals. It is the liberal tradition and liberal movements that created the weekend, access to birth control, and heck, even Gossip Girl (because we liberals value the inner lives of young people).
Somehow those very things made the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalists a target. This shooter is unemployed and loses his food stamps and BLAMES THE LIBERALS AND GAYS. This is a church that helps the needy, hosts a coffeehouse for queer youth, and put on a youth production of Annie. On top of that, they decided to put up a sign saying they were welcome to queer people. Where this hits home to be is that in my East Coast and West Coast bubbles of liberals, people like the members of TVUUC are people I eat with, play with, sing with, work with, and pray with. Having loving and open hearts shouldn't put a target on your back. For that matter performing a medial procedure (ABORTIONS!) shouldn't either.
My heart breaks that Greg McKendry, a foster father to a trans teen, was killed. My heart breaks that Annie won't be just a cheesy musical from the 80s but a symbol of what dangerous times we live in. So here I am sitting in Oakland, saying I'm a liberal. It's easy over here. But when I go back to Texas to visit my wonderful in-laws or drive across the country, I always know it's an act of courage to put your heart and your values on your sleeve.
For a powerful firsthand account of the day please read bekitty's post.
For a great analysis about language of hatred on the far right please go to ornicus.
If you can, please give to the UU Knoxville fund.
My guy's take is here.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We get by with a little help from our friends
Unless you are rich enough to have a platinum wedding, your friends will be helping out with the wedding. Friends play a variety of roles from the obvious (the people actually standing up with you at the altar) to the behind-the-scenes (helping design the program). In Texas, they have this thing called a house party. A house party is the catchall designation for the folks helping with the wedding but not in the actual wedding party. While there’s no hip hop music involved, the house party is responsible for things like decorating the bridal suite.
For us non-Texans, we need to be conscious about the care and feeding of folks helping out at our wedding. The key here is to make sure that your friends get to be guests at your wedding. This is all about good planning and good communication. Not to be all Martha about it but good planning means everyone gets to enjoy the wedding.
Our wedding was fairly do-it-yourself. We had two dear friends serve as coordinators, along with a paid catering staff to set up wit the food, serve, and clean up. For the sake of your and your loved ones’ sanity, please hire people for those tasks. The only time I’ve seen it work out is because one of the groomsmen managed a restaurant. Clean up is especially exhausting since it’s at the end when everyone has been partying in dress shoes. For the sake of their feet, don’t leave that part up to your friends.
At our wedding our friends did a lot. That included:
(Before the wedding)
- Putting together invitations
- Coordinating the decorations which included a zillion miles of strings of lights and tulle
- Proofreading documents
- Picking up the beverages
(During the wedding)
- Setting up the tables and centerpieces
- Setting up the decorations
- Serving as ushers and passing out the programs
Even with all of that work, we made sure noone was working during the actual ceremony and the bulk of the work during the reception was done by the catering staff. We were lucky, lucky, lucky to have two people be able to provide input and editing on all of our decisions throughout the entire process.
When friends are involved make sure their tasks are defined and discrete. Rather than asking them to help with setting up, you should ask them for a specific task related to setting up. Be clear about what the need to do, give them everything necessary to do it, and make sure the task has a time frame. For any volunteer, the more information, the better. It’s good for anyone helping to know how the day would go.
When we had our friends usher, we obviously gave them programs to pass out but we also made sure they had out minute-by-minute timeline, a list of people with specific seating needs, and the low down on both of the families. I have an uncle who loves his cologne and J and his father both have a sensitivity to strong scents so he needed to be sat in the back. Once the ceremony began, their job was over and they could be part of the ceremony.
Finally, please recognize your friends for the work they are doing for you. Not everyone will be wearing a corsage or carrying a bouquet but most likely there are quite a few people doing little things to make the day go well. Put them in the programs, give them special gifts, and thank them publicly. Being a part of any wedding should be an honor and a chore.
For us non-Texans, we need to be conscious about the care and feeding of folks helping out at our wedding. The key here is to make sure that your friends get to be guests at your wedding. This is all about good planning and good communication. Not to be all Martha about it but good planning means everyone gets to enjoy the wedding.
Our wedding was fairly do-it-yourself. We had two dear friends serve as coordinators, along with a paid catering staff to set up wit the food, serve, and clean up. For the sake of your and your loved ones’ sanity, please hire people for those tasks. The only time I’ve seen it work out is because one of the groomsmen managed a restaurant. Clean up is especially exhausting since it’s at the end when everyone has been partying in dress shoes. For the sake of their feet, don’t leave that part up to your friends.
At our wedding our friends did a lot. That included:
(Before the wedding)
- Putting together invitations
- Coordinating the decorations which included a zillion miles of strings of lights and tulle
- Proofreading documents
- Picking up the beverages
(During the wedding)
- Setting up the tables and centerpieces
- Setting up the decorations
- Serving as ushers and passing out the programs
Even with all of that work, we made sure noone was working during the actual ceremony and the bulk of the work during the reception was done by the catering staff. We were lucky, lucky, lucky to have two people be able to provide input and editing on all of our decisions throughout the entire process.
When friends are involved make sure their tasks are defined and discrete. Rather than asking them to help with setting up, you should ask them for a specific task related to setting up. Be clear about what the need to do, give them everything necessary to do it, and make sure the task has a time frame. For any volunteer, the more information, the better. It’s good for anyone helping to know how the day would go.
When we had our friends usher, we obviously gave them programs to pass out but we also made sure they had out minute-by-minute timeline, a list of people with specific seating needs, and the low down on both of the families. I have an uncle who loves his cologne and J and his father both have a sensitivity to strong scents so he needed to be sat in the back. Once the ceremony began, their job was over and they could be part of the ceremony.
Finally, please recognize your friends for the work they are doing for you. Not everyone will be wearing a corsage or carrying a bouquet but most likely there are quite a few people doing little things to make the day go well. Put them in the programs, give them special gifts, and thank them publicly. Being a part of any wedding should be an honor and a chore.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Hiring a Wedding Coordinator
A few years back my friend Writer girl got married to Politicsboy. We had a blast at the wedding. It was a comfortable, well run affair where people danced, had fun, and sniffled. While she is surrounded by many type-A personalities, she spared us and hired a wedding planner to run the wedding. As the only person I know who had a paid wedding planner, I wanted to give you, my readers, some of her wisdom about hiring and using a wedding planner.
Why did you decide to use a wedding planner? What was the value added for having someone you pay for running your wedding?
--I decided to use a wedding planner because I really thought I needed professional help! The thought of planning a wedding was overwhelming to me, and I wanted someone to point me in the right direction.
So what did your wedding planner do?
--I initially planned to pay the wedding planner just for the day-of wedding coordination. But after I talked to her and realized how many resources she had, I decided to hire her for a few specific tasks, like choosing a caterer.
How did you find this person? If someone was going to choose a professional wedding planner, what should they look for?
--I got the name of the wedding planner (Sara Bauleke, http://www.bellanottedc.com/index.html) from a friend of mine who had gotten married the year before. I think the most important thing for me was to find someone who I respected and who I felt had priorities and tastes similar to mine. I didn't want to feel pushed into making choices I might regret because of a wedding planner who had a different vision than I did of what a wedding should look like.
So your wedding planner was a day of person as opposed to doing the legwork and planning throughout the process. How did that work and how did you make sure she got everything she needed to run the wedding?
--Sara was very organized and she had a form for me to fill out with all the information she needed to run the weddding. She required that I fill out the form several weeks in advance so that she could prepare. At the rehearsal, I gave her all the supplies (kippot, kiddish cups, etc) that we would need at the wedding so that she could be responsible for them on the day of the wedding.
For you, what do you think is the highlight of your and Politicsboy wedding? Were you able to be a guest at your own wedding (the ultimate test of an effective wedding planner)?
--I think the highlight of the wedding for me was the dancing! I didn't exactly feel like a guest at our wedding because I was so nervous, but that's more about my personality than anything having to do with wedding planning. I'm sure that I would have been ten times more nervous if Sara hadn't been there to make sure everything went smoothly.
Why did you decide to use a wedding planner? What was the value added for having someone you pay for running your wedding?
--I decided to use a wedding planner because I really thought I needed professional help! The thought of planning a wedding was overwhelming to me, and I wanted someone to point me in the right direction.
So what did your wedding planner do?
--I initially planned to pay the wedding planner just for the day-of wedding coordination. But after I talked to her and realized how many resources she had, I decided to hire her for a few specific tasks, like choosing a caterer.
How did you find this person? If someone was going to choose a professional wedding planner, what should they look for?
--I got the name of the wedding planner (Sara Bauleke, http://www.bellanottedc.com/index.html) from a friend of mine who had gotten married the year before. I think the most important thing for me was to find someone who I respected and who I felt had priorities and tastes similar to mine. I didn't want to feel pushed into making choices I might regret because of a wedding planner who had a different vision than I did of what a wedding should look like.
So your wedding planner was a day of person as opposed to doing the legwork and planning throughout the process. How did that work and how did you make sure she got everything she needed to run the wedding?
--Sara was very organized and she had a form for me to fill out with all the information she needed to run the weddding. She required that I fill out the form several weeks in advance so that she could prepare. At the rehearsal, I gave her all the supplies (kippot, kiddish cups, etc) that we would need at the wedding so that she could be responsible for them on the day of the wedding.
For you, what do you think is the highlight of your and Politicsboy wedding? Were you able to be a guest at your own wedding (the ultimate test of an effective wedding planner)?
--I think the highlight of the wedding for me was the dancing! I didn't exactly feel like a guest at our wedding because I was so nervous, but that's more about my personality than anything having to do with wedding planning. I'm sure that I would have been ten times more nervous if Sara hadn't been there to make sure everything went smoothly.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Do it yourself officiating
A few years back our friends Ron and Shyin' got married. Being two people who were fairly indifferent to organized religion, it was either justice of the peace or find a friend to officiate. They asked our friend Pauline to do it and a few clicks of a mouse later, she's ordained. Still, having a person officiating your wedding who's a friend presents a whole new set of things to think about. So for you, my readers, I wanted Pauline to talk a bit about being an officiant.
So how was your experience officiating a wedding? Fun? Nerve wracking?
- It was both of those things. I was very excited and flattered when Ron and Shyin' asked me to officiate for them. It was so funny to walk around my office and show everyone my "certificate of ordination". We had a lot of fun planning the ceremony. But the actual deed was more nerve wracking that I had anticipated. I don't have a lot of public speaking experience and I hadn't totally thought through what it was going to be like to stand up in front of 150 people and speak. Next time I will wear a longer skirt so no one can see my knees quaking--like I-thought-I-might-fall-down quaking.
How hard was it to become an officiant? What hoops did you have to jump through? In particular, did you have to register with the state or anything?
- It was not hard at all--except for maybe the evil looks from the county clerk. Shyin' had very thoroughly researched what to do and I did what she told me. In my case, I went to the Universal Life Church website and signed up. Then later I requested a letter of good standing from them and took that to the county courthouse. I showed them my paperwork (the clerk snorted), I filled out a form, they made me a card and now I am a card-carrying officiant who can perform marriages anywhere in Virginia.
What role did you have in setting the tone of the ceremony? Did you have a lot of input on how the ceremony would go?
- I had a big role in setting the tone of the ceremony. It was important to me take my role seriously, but I also wanted to make it light hearted and personal to Ron and Shyin'. I actually thought that I was going to write the ceremony, but then Shyin' handed me a script (two control freaks at work, she just doesn't procrastinate). I did not like her script. It was some nice quotes and vows that she had cobbled together out of a book of vows and it was very pretty, but I felt it was way to dry. If you are being married by a friend, who got on-line ordained to do it, then this is not a completely serious ceremony. But meanwhile, and partially as a reflection of my religious upbringing, I wanted to bring a sense of solemnity to the ceremony. So I worked with Shyin', and then Ron, to find the funny/solemn balance.
The one and only wedding that I went to in my church growing up, they did this charge to the congregation to support the marriage (United Methodists - they do the same with baptisms). Quakers do something similar, where you are officially married by congregation--the witnesses present--and not just by the officiant of record. Since they asked me, a friend, to marry them, I felt like Shyin' and Ron were being married by their friends and community and I wanted to reflect that in the ceremony.
At the same time I also wanted to tell their story. Ron would not have been my first choice for Shyin' when I met him, and I asked her pretty early on, "like how did this happen?" I remembered that she told me then they they loved baseball and very first connected, both physically and emotionally, while taking baseball. So I asked to bring that story into the ceremony and get some humor from that. Shyin' was a little dubious at first, but I brought her around.
What things did you need from the wedding couple? They gave you a script and I remember the whiskey-laced rehearsal that we had at M's beach house. Anything else that you needed?
- Well, I needed baseball statistics since I am not a baseball fan.
Shyin' chose all the elements of the ceremony, like the unity candle and the signing of the certificate and the readings. Those were all included in the original script. Obviously, I need their buy-in to the two parts that I wanted to add, opening with their story and the charge to the congregation. That was one of the main reasons we did the rehearsal at the beach. We were mostly clear on what we were going to do, but they really needed to hear it in order to believe that it was going to work and not be offensive or off-putting. Also, I hadn't quite worked out how I was going to phrase my talk about community in the ceremony. I knew what I wanted to say, but hadn't quite figured out how to phrase it for a non-religious (mostly) audience.
I asked Shyin' to sign off on my dress, since I was standing with the wedding party, but that was really all I needed from them.
I know that the you were a hit as an officiant. What do you think are the qualities of a good officiant? Does all it take is a certificate from the Church of the Back-of-the-Rolling-Stone-Magazine?
- People were so kind to me about the ceremony. People were very effusive with their compliments and I was very touched. At work, my boss always says that good introduction really raises the speaker up--almost puts them on a pedestal so that you are excited to hear what they have to say. I think the same is true of an officiant. A good officiant should raise-up the love story of the couple so that you are excited to be a part of their commitment and to support it. My success officiating for Shyin' and Ron is probably rather unique--I know their whole story, and was little bit of a doubter and a little bit of a convert--so I could bring everyone along with me on the journey of their ceremony. Someone at the reception sort of jokingly asked me to officiate for them, and I thought, I don't think I could do as well for them. I just didn't know them as well.
So how was your experience officiating a wedding? Fun? Nerve wracking?
- It was both of those things. I was very excited and flattered when Ron and Shyin' asked me to officiate for them. It was so funny to walk around my office and show everyone my "certificate of ordination". We had a lot of fun planning the ceremony. But the actual deed was more nerve wracking that I had anticipated. I don't have a lot of public speaking experience and I hadn't totally thought through what it was going to be like to stand up in front of 150 people and speak. Next time I will wear a longer skirt so no one can see my knees quaking--like I-thought-I-might-fall-down quaking.
How hard was it to become an officiant? What hoops did you have to jump through? In particular, did you have to register with the state or anything?
- It was not hard at all--except for maybe the evil looks from the county clerk. Shyin' had very thoroughly researched what to do and I did what she told me. In my case, I went to the Universal Life Church website and signed up. Then later I requested a letter of good standing from them and took that to the county courthouse. I showed them my paperwork (the clerk snorted), I filled out a form, they made me a card and now I am a card-carrying officiant who can perform marriages anywhere in Virginia.
What role did you have in setting the tone of the ceremony? Did you have a lot of input on how the ceremony would go?
- I had a big role in setting the tone of the ceremony. It was important to me take my role seriously, but I also wanted to make it light hearted and personal to Ron and Shyin'. I actually thought that I was going to write the ceremony, but then Shyin' handed me a script (two control freaks at work, she just doesn't procrastinate). I did not like her script. It was some nice quotes and vows that she had cobbled together out of a book of vows and it was very pretty, but I felt it was way to dry. If you are being married by a friend, who got on-line ordained to do it, then this is not a completely serious ceremony. But meanwhile, and partially as a reflection of my religious upbringing, I wanted to bring a sense of solemnity to the ceremony. So I worked with Shyin', and then Ron, to find the funny/solemn balance.
The one and only wedding that I went to in my church growing up, they did this charge to the congregation to support the marriage (United Methodists - they do the same with baptisms). Quakers do something similar, where you are officially married by congregation--the witnesses present--and not just by the officiant of record. Since they asked me, a friend, to marry them, I felt like Shyin' and Ron were being married by their friends and community and I wanted to reflect that in the ceremony.
At the same time I also wanted to tell their story. Ron would not have been my first choice for Shyin' when I met him, and I asked her pretty early on, "like how did this happen?" I remembered that she told me then they they loved baseball and very first connected, both physically and emotionally, while taking baseball. So I asked to bring that story into the ceremony and get some humor from that. Shyin' was a little dubious at first, but I brought her around.
What things did you need from the wedding couple? They gave you a script and I remember the whiskey-laced rehearsal that we had at M's beach house. Anything else that you needed?
- Well, I needed baseball statistics since I am not a baseball fan.
Shyin' chose all the elements of the ceremony, like the unity candle and the signing of the certificate and the readings. Those were all included in the original script. Obviously, I need their buy-in to the two parts that I wanted to add, opening with their story and the charge to the congregation. That was one of the main reasons we did the rehearsal at the beach. We were mostly clear on what we were going to do, but they really needed to hear it in order to believe that it was going to work and not be offensive or off-putting. Also, I hadn't quite worked out how I was going to phrase my talk about community in the ceremony. I knew what I wanted to say, but hadn't quite figured out how to phrase it for a non-religious (mostly) audience.
I asked Shyin' to sign off on my dress, since I was standing with the wedding party, but that was really all I needed from them.
I know that the you were a hit as an officiant. What do you think are the qualities of a good officiant? Does all it take is a certificate from the Church of the Back-of-the-Rolling-Stone-Magazine?
- People were so kind to me about the ceremony. People were very effusive with their compliments and I was very touched. At work, my boss always says that good introduction really raises the speaker up--almost puts them on a pedestal so that you are excited to hear what they have to say. I think the same is true of an officiant. A good officiant should raise-up the love story of the couple so that you are excited to be a part of their commitment and to support it. My success officiating for Shyin' and Ron is probably rather unique--I know their whole story, and was little bit of a doubter and a little bit of a convert--so I could bring everyone along with me on the journey of their ceremony. Someone at the reception sort of jokingly asked me to officiate for them, and I thought, I don't think I could do as well for them. I just didn't know them as well.
Monday, July 21, 2008
I heart my Quaker wedding
So as you all know J and I got married in a Quaker ceremony. The Religious Society of Friends, the formal name for the Quakers, has been my spiritual home since I was in my 20s. They have no dogma or creed save that there is the spirit in everyone and because of that they require a commitment to nonviolence. Surprisingly, I never get bored of the sacred Quaker silence. It's how I feel close to the divine. On top of that, this is a community of faith with a commitment to social justice and peace.
Having spent my 20s as an attender of the Friends Meeting of Washington and an active attender at that, I knew this was the place I would get married. The Friends Meeting of Washington has a special welcome to Lesbians and Gays and withstood a hard discussion on whether to bless same gender commitments. A few years after that, the marriage ceremony was opened up to same gender couples and the commitment ceremonies were opened up to straight couples. This comes from a long line of marriage equality. The first Quaker marriages were considered illegal because Quakers believe that everyone is connected to the divine and therefore, a priest or any other intermediary is unnecessary. Quakers were also among the first communities of faith to bless interracial weddings. It is a special gift to know that my spiritual home has such a rich history of marriage equality.
The Quaker wedding process starts with the couple asking the Committee for Marriage and Family to form a Clearness Committee to discuss the marriage. The Clearness Committee is composed of members of the Meeting. Ours had a middle aged straight woman with college aged children, a Japanese American lesbian in an interracial relationship, and the tallest guy I had ever encountered. We called him the jolly Quaker giant and he was an artist and art teacher. The couple write a letter aobut their relationship and why they want ot be married under the care of the Meeting. The Clearness Committee meets in the months leading up to the wedding to ask the couple about their commitment to each other. Among the questions we were asked in the Quaker process was how we felt about having children, how we resolved conflict, and how compatible were our values.
If the Clearness Committee supports the marriage, they make a recommendation to the Monthly Meeting to place the marriage under the care of the meeting. The couple comes to the Monthly Meeting for Business and is presented by their Clearness Committee where their letter is read to the meeting. The meeting waits a month to make sure we are all comfortable with the marriage and if we are, the marriage is placed under the care of the meeting.
Once the date is set the couple makes a donation to the meeting so that a friendly office presence will be there to open and lock up. We were particularly blessed with our Clearness Committee because the Jolly Quaker Giant offered to make our marriage certificate. THe marriage certificate is important because the first "illegal" Quaker marriage were recognized because the certificates had signatures of everyone present at the wedding. It served as an official affadavit that the couple was indeed married. The Friends Meeting of Washington submitted the Marriage Certificates of same gender couples to the District of Columbia as proof the Meeting considered these couples married. Our marriage certificate had a oak tree and acorn to represent J's side of our family and a bamboo branch and shoot to represent my side.
Here's what is in the Friend's handbook about weddings:
From its beginning, the Religious Society of Friends has stressed the conviction that marriage is a binding relationship entered into in the presence of God and of witnessing Friends. Before this public commitment is made on the day of the wedding, the proposed marriage must have received the approval of the monthly meeting, given after careful consideration by an appointed committee.
The wedding itself is a meeting for worship, held after the manner of Friends, within which the marriage takes place. The wedding couple enter the meeting and take their places at the front of the room. In giving themselves to each other, they eliminate the custom of the bride being given away by her father. No third person pronounces them married because Friends believe that God alone can create such a union and give it significance. Neither a wedding party nor an exchange of rings is necessary to Friends' procedure, although both have become customary today.
In an atmosphere of quiet and reverence during the period of worship, the couple rise. Taking each other by the hand, they make their promises, using the following or similar words:
"In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee ... to be my spouse, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful spouse so long as we both shall live."
When the couple is seated again, the marriage certificate is brought for them to sign. Then someone who has previously been selected to do so reads the certificate aloud. This is done with dignity and care in order to contribute to the atmosphere of worship. The meeting then continues in silent waiting upon God while those assembled share in the worship through prayer and meditation or through spoken messages.
The person chosen to close the meeting may, if desired, provide an opportunity for the bridal party to withdraw. Those present are asked to sign the certificate as witnesses to the marriage. A copy of the certificate is made for the records of the monthly meeting in whose care the marriage has taken place, and the legal requirements are completed by a committee appointed by that Meeting.
Many Quaker marriage certificates, handed down from generation to generation, have proved to be valuable historical records. Today, as well, the certificate becomes a cherished possession in the new home, recalling the reverent attitude of worship with which the marriage began and the company of loving friends who took part in it.
Before we entered the ceremony, our Clearness Committee brought us into a room to have a moment of Quaker silence. We then walked, hand in hand, with our Clearness Committee ahead of us, and sat in the center of the room. The head of our Clearness Committee explained Quaker silent worship and the wedding process to the guests and we settled into silence. Out of the silence, J and I made our vows and exchanged our rings. after the exchange of rings, two close friends brought the table with our marriage certificate for us to sign. Our mothers then walked to the table hand in hand and read the certificate. As this was the affadavit to our marriage, it had to be read aloud so that everyone knew what they were signing.
Then the fun really began. We settled into silence once more and out of the silence came the first message about our couplehood from J's mom. I must admit she was a plant since she spent 30 years as a high school teacher and was an excellent public speaker. For the next forty five minutes people stood up and talked about us. Funny stories. Compliments on my cooking. Many tears. I lost it when my aunt talked about how proud my grandmother would be. This is where the Quaker commitment is real. Rather than a member of the clergy speaking to the guests, all of the guest were invited to extend their thoughts, wishes, and blessings to the couple. When there was a sense of the meeting that the blessings were done, J and I shook the hands of our honor attendants and then shook the hands of our Clearness Committee.
After the Quaker silence we had a few songs sung, and a read readings read. We walked out of the ceremony and all in attendance were invited to sign the marriage certificate. With the care and support of the Friends Meeting of Washington, we were married.
Having spent my 20s as an attender of the Friends Meeting of Washington and an active attender at that, I knew this was the place I would get married. The Friends Meeting of Washington has a special welcome to Lesbians and Gays and withstood a hard discussion on whether to bless same gender commitments. A few years after that, the marriage ceremony was opened up to same gender couples and the commitment ceremonies were opened up to straight couples. This comes from a long line of marriage equality. The first Quaker marriages were considered illegal because Quakers believe that everyone is connected to the divine and therefore, a priest or any other intermediary is unnecessary. Quakers were also among the first communities of faith to bless interracial weddings. It is a special gift to know that my spiritual home has such a rich history of marriage equality.
The Quaker wedding process starts with the couple asking the Committee for Marriage and Family to form a Clearness Committee to discuss the marriage. The Clearness Committee is composed of members of the Meeting. Ours had a middle aged straight woman with college aged children, a Japanese American lesbian in an interracial relationship, and the tallest guy I had ever encountered. We called him the jolly Quaker giant and he was an artist and art teacher. The couple write a letter aobut their relationship and why they want ot be married under the care of the Meeting. The Clearness Committee meets in the months leading up to the wedding to ask the couple about their commitment to each other. Among the questions we were asked in the Quaker process was how we felt about having children, how we resolved conflict, and how compatible were our values.
If the Clearness Committee supports the marriage, they make a recommendation to the Monthly Meeting to place the marriage under the care of the meeting. The couple comes to the Monthly Meeting for Business and is presented by their Clearness Committee where their letter is read to the meeting. The meeting waits a month to make sure we are all comfortable with the marriage and if we are, the marriage is placed under the care of the meeting.
Once the date is set the couple makes a donation to the meeting so that a friendly office presence will be there to open and lock up. We were particularly blessed with our Clearness Committee because the Jolly Quaker Giant offered to make our marriage certificate. THe marriage certificate is important because the first "illegal" Quaker marriage were recognized because the certificates had signatures of everyone present at the wedding. It served as an official affadavit that the couple was indeed married. The Friends Meeting of Washington submitted the Marriage Certificates of same gender couples to the District of Columbia as proof the Meeting considered these couples married. Our marriage certificate had a oak tree and acorn to represent J's side of our family and a bamboo branch and shoot to represent my side.
Here's what is in the Friend's handbook about weddings:
From its beginning, the Religious Society of Friends has stressed the conviction that marriage is a binding relationship entered into in the presence of God and of witnessing Friends. Before this public commitment is made on the day of the wedding, the proposed marriage must have received the approval of the monthly meeting, given after careful consideration by an appointed committee.
The wedding itself is a meeting for worship, held after the manner of Friends, within which the marriage takes place. The wedding couple enter the meeting and take their places at the front of the room. In giving themselves to each other, they eliminate the custom of the bride being given away by her father. No third person pronounces them married because Friends believe that God alone can create such a union and give it significance. Neither a wedding party nor an exchange of rings is necessary to Friends' procedure, although both have become customary today.
In an atmosphere of quiet and reverence during the period of worship, the couple rise. Taking each other by the hand, they make their promises, using the following or similar words:
"In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee ... to be my spouse, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful spouse so long as we both shall live."
When the couple is seated again, the marriage certificate is brought for them to sign. Then someone who has previously been selected to do so reads the certificate aloud. This is done with dignity and care in order to contribute to the atmosphere of worship. The meeting then continues in silent waiting upon God while those assembled share in the worship through prayer and meditation or through spoken messages.
The person chosen to close the meeting may, if desired, provide an opportunity for the bridal party to withdraw. Those present are asked to sign the certificate as witnesses to the marriage. A copy of the certificate is made for the records of the monthly meeting in whose care the marriage has taken place, and the legal requirements are completed by a committee appointed by that Meeting.
Many Quaker marriage certificates, handed down from generation to generation, have proved to be valuable historical records. Today, as well, the certificate becomes a cherished possession in the new home, recalling the reverent attitude of worship with which the marriage began and the company of loving friends who took part in it.
Before we entered the ceremony, our Clearness Committee brought us into a room to have a moment of Quaker silence. We then walked, hand in hand, with our Clearness Committee ahead of us, and sat in the center of the room. The head of our Clearness Committee explained Quaker silent worship and the wedding process to the guests and we settled into silence. Out of the silence, J and I made our vows and exchanged our rings. after the exchange of rings, two close friends brought the table with our marriage certificate for us to sign. Our mothers then walked to the table hand in hand and read the certificate. As this was the affadavit to our marriage, it had to be read aloud so that everyone knew what they were signing.
Then the fun really began. We settled into silence once more and out of the silence came the first message about our couplehood from J's mom. I must admit she was a plant since she spent 30 years as a high school teacher and was an excellent public speaker. For the next forty five minutes people stood up and talked about us. Funny stories. Compliments on my cooking. Many tears. I lost it when my aunt talked about how proud my grandmother would be. This is where the Quaker commitment is real. Rather than a member of the clergy speaking to the guests, all of the guest were invited to extend their thoughts, wishes, and blessings to the couple. When there was a sense of the meeting that the blessings were done, J and I shook the hands of our honor attendants and then shook the hands of our Clearness Committee.
After the Quaker silence we had a few songs sung, and a read readings read. We walked out of the ceremony and all in attendance were invited to sign the marriage certificate. With the care and support of the Friends Meeting of Washington, we were married.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Things We Gleefully Cribbed and Learned
It's funny how folks get protective about their weddings. You read all the time about some bride (and it always seems to be the woman because men aren't supposed to care) who will never let anyone know about her floral arrangements or her favors or her menu because it's supposed to be the bestest, most unique thing EVER. I think it may be because J and I are a same-gender couple that we didn't have that kind of protectiveness. Leading up to the wedding, I told EVERYONE every last detail about our wedding plans. And really, if someone else decided to use one of them, I was flattered. I guess the thing is, being a gay guy, nothing was going to be "unveiled." I was wearing a suit. J was wearing a suit.
With the pressure to have the bestest, most unique wedding off, J and I got a lot of ideas from other people's weddings. Here's some of the things we copied from others:
1. The MC - when we went to other people's weddings we saw how important it was to have someone, a DJ or a friend, MC your reception. The reception is where people will be eating and visiting and talking. Someone needs to focus the attention on stuff like cutting the cake and the first dance or even telling people to hurry up and go to the buffet.
2. The last dance - This came from both the Lancaster wedding and the Pleather and Leeanne wedding. Their last dance was all of their friends dancing in a circle around them. It was such an expression of love and joy and silly dancing. Our last dance was to "We are Family" surround by family of birth and choice. A nice way to end a wedding.
3. Using a quilt as your guestbook - When my friend Lady Bountiful got married a close friend made a quilt for them that everyone signed. It was years later that I learned how to quilt and I knew, remembering how beautiful Lady Bountiful's quilt was, that J and I would have a wedding quilt that everyone signed. For our wedding, we put squares of fabric and each table for people to sign, draw on or write a message. We still sleep under that quilt.
4. Naming tables - They work much better than numbers. As I said earlier, it's a lot easier to move a table around and not worry that table #20 is next to table #3.
5. The Grey armadillo cake - We're big fans of Dolly Parton. While our actual wedding was a little too classy to insert a touch of Dolly, we decided to go with a little Steel Magnolia wedding. We played toilet paper brides and for the cake, Rootbeer corraled our friends to make a grey armadillo cake complete with tire tracks.
With the pressure to have the bestest, most unique wedding off, J and I got a lot of ideas from other people's weddings. Here's some of the things we copied from others:
1. The MC - when we went to other people's weddings we saw how important it was to have someone, a DJ or a friend, MC your reception. The reception is where people will be eating and visiting and talking. Someone needs to focus the attention on stuff like cutting the cake and the first dance or even telling people to hurry up and go to the buffet.
2. The last dance - This came from both the Lancaster wedding and the Pleather and Leeanne wedding. Their last dance was all of their friends dancing in a circle around them. It was such an expression of love and joy and silly dancing. Our last dance was to "We are Family" surround by family of birth and choice. A nice way to end a wedding.
3. Using a quilt as your guestbook - When my friend Lady Bountiful got married a close friend made a quilt for them that everyone signed. It was years later that I learned how to quilt and I knew, remembering how beautiful Lady Bountiful's quilt was, that J and I would have a wedding quilt that everyone signed. For our wedding, we put squares of fabric and each table for people to sign, draw on or write a message. We still sleep under that quilt.
4. Naming tables - They work much better than numbers. As I said earlier, it's a lot easier to move a table around and not worry that table #20 is next to table #3.
5. The Grey armadillo cake - We're big fans of Dolly Parton. While our actual wedding was a little too classy to insert a touch of Dolly, we decided to go with a little Steel Magnolia wedding. We played toilet paper brides and for the cake, Rootbeer corraled our friends to make a grey armadillo cake complete with tire tracks.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Interview with East Coast Rebecca
Dear Readers.
I wanted to introduce you to my friend East Coast Rebecca. If you have ever read the other blog, you know that East Coast Rebecca is kind of a bawdier, Americanized Nigella Lawson complete with alabaster skin, raven hair, a knack for entertaining and a great rack. She's also getting married this fall to the ever-hilarious Neal. Along with being a bride, Rebecca spends her days organizing events for a local nonprofit so she really knows her stuff. I wanted to see if there are any tips and tactics she can give us about planning a wedding and hear about how her own wedding planning is going.
Your parties are always a blast and the one event I saw you do professionally, went exceedingly well. So what's your wedding going to be like? Will it be Steel Magnolia-esque? Black tie? Hipster and James Bond cool? (We know Neal has a smoking jacket).
Maybe a month after the engagement, I ran over to my boss and said, "I've figured out what I want the wedding to be like - comfortably elegant." She laughed hysterically, and I knew I was in for months of mocking. My bold pronouncement may have been a touch over dramatic, but I'm trying to stick to the idea. I'd love the spirit of one of our house parties - good food, drink, people, and music - with a little more class. You know, with fewer Jello shots and more flowers.
My one concern is that this designation will leave people in the lurch about what to wear. I hate that as a guest, so I'm hoping my explanation that Neal won't wear a tux but guests are welcome to will guide folks.
So where will you have the ceremony and reception? What criteria did you use for deciding on location?
We're doing the whole shebang at the Aubudon Naturalist Society's Woodend Nature Sanctuary (http://www.audubonnaturalist.org/default.asp?page=514).
From the start we knew we wanted to do the ceremony and reception at the same venue, so my search began with that practical issue as well as others like capacity, being able to choose my own caterer, being fairly close to the District, Metro accessibility, parking, etc. I created a checklist/worksheet sort of thing addressing these issues and filled in the details for each of the venues we were considering. I took the sheet with me and made additional notes when visiting sites.
One thing that sold me on Woodend was the fact that, weather permitting, there's a gorgeous grove where we can do the ceremony (a hemlock grove, no less), but if the weather doesn't cooperate, it's simple enough to just set up the chairs in the building's main hall, which, while not a hemlock grove, is lovely. If you're considering an outdoor ceremony or reception, it's crucial to address inclement weather from the start.
We've all heard the horror stories about caterers, florists, DJ's etc. What should people know about working with vendors? What kinds of things do you look for in hiring a vendor?
Ask around, look at samples of their work (if possible), and talk to references, of course. After that, I recommend trying to work with people you genuinely like. If you have fallen for a specific catering company but don't love the rep you're working with, inquire about working with someone else (this will be more complicated post contract so act quickly; you likely will know immediately whether you've found a good match). Finding someone you communicate with well will make your life so much easier. Challenges that arise (and, oh, they will arise) will be more easily solved if you're not also worried about dealing with someone difficult.
Was there anything you knew as an event planner coming into this that gives you a leg up on all of the other brides?
My primary advantage is already knowing vendors. The other advantage is perspective. I'm keenly aware that lots of things go wrong behind the scenes that the guests never notice. Yet things never grind to a halt - even if equipment is missing or the talent is late or, god forbid (though I've seen it happen), you have 50 more guests than anticipated. My boss has a wonderful theory about how once events begin, we're just flotsam, floating in the largely uncontrollable current. You have to give over to it. I hope to embrace this for my wedding, too. (Wish me luck with that.)
On a related perspective note, I'm registered with all sorts of lame (but unavoidable) wedding websites - The Knot, Wedding Channel, and the like - and they're forever sending me emails that begin with, "Hi REBECCA! Only 93 days to go! Here's what you should be doing . . ." which could inspire a lot a panic if I didn't know better. For example, it's almost three months out, and I don't have a florist. Because I have experience with florists, I know that this is not a big deal, no matter what the Wedding Channel says.
Just a tip - I'm a big fan of Real Simple magazine, and their wedding pages are fantastic. Again, any timeline should be taken with a grain of salt, but they have oodles of downloadable checklists for everything from questions to ask your caterer to photos you'll probably want. If you're looking for wedding porn, hit the usual suspects. If you want useful information, head to Real Simple.
Let's talk ceremony. You and Neal are two of the most creative people I know when it comes to parties. I mean come on, Half Assed Halloween? Awesome. What's the ceremony going to be like? Will this be the time you go all traditional or are there offbeat touches?
A tangent first - because Neal and I cannot afford to invite more than the innermost circle of friends to the wedding, we're doing Half Assed Halloween V: The Wedding Reception the weekend after the wedding proper. I hope to see lots of bloody bridesmaid dresses.
A dear friend we both worked with back in the early days of our relationship (back when the millennium was new) is going to be our celebrant. That's really all we know so far. Every now and again when I'm making menu notes or looking at yet another hairstyle gallery, I think, "Oh right! This is a wedding. We should figure out that bit where we get married." There's been talk of incorporating a Coke (we really love Coke) in the ceremony. I briefly pushed to incorporate Scrabble, but that seems a bit much. We're muddling through. I'll report back if there are any revelations!
Finally, what do you want your guests to remember form the wedding?
How gorgeous I looked! I kid, I kid (though I do hope that's amongst everyone's memories). I just want everyone to have a really good time and be happy. It's what I hope I remember, too.
I wanted to introduce you to my friend East Coast Rebecca. If you have ever read the other blog, you know that East Coast Rebecca is kind of a bawdier, Americanized Nigella Lawson complete with alabaster skin, raven hair, a knack for entertaining and a great rack. She's also getting married this fall to the ever-hilarious Neal. Along with being a bride, Rebecca spends her days organizing events for a local nonprofit so she really knows her stuff. I wanted to see if there are any tips and tactics she can give us about planning a wedding and hear about how her own wedding planning is going.
Your parties are always a blast and the one event I saw you do professionally, went exceedingly well. So what's your wedding going to be like? Will it be Steel Magnolia-esque? Black tie? Hipster and James Bond cool? (We know Neal has a smoking jacket).
Maybe a month after the engagement, I ran over to my boss and said, "I've figured out what I want the wedding to be like - comfortably elegant." She laughed hysterically, and I knew I was in for months of mocking. My bold pronouncement may have been a touch over dramatic, but I'm trying to stick to the idea. I'd love the spirit of one of our house parties - good food, drink, people, and music - with a little more class. You know, with fewer Jello shots and more flowers.
My one concern is that this designation will leave people in the lurch about what to wear. I hate that as a guest, so I'm hoping my explanation that Neal won't wear a tux but guests are welcome to will guide folks.
So where will you have the ceremony and reception? What criteria did you use for deciding on location?
We're doing the whole shebang at the Aubudon Naturalist Society's Woodend Nature Sanctuary (http://www.audubonnaturalist.org/default.asp?page=514).
From the start we knew we wanted to do the ceremony and reception at the same venue, so my search began with that practical issue as well as others like capacity, being able to choose my own caterer, being fairly close to the District, Metro accessibility, parking, etc. I created a checklist/worksheet sort of thing addressing these issues and filled in the details for each of the venues we were considering. I took the sheet with me and made additional notes when visiting sites.
One thing that sold me on Woodend was the fact that, weather permitting, there's a gorgeous grove where we can do the ceremony (a hemlock grove, no less), but if the weather doesn't cooperate, it's simple enough to just set up the chairs in the building's main hall, which, while not a hemlock grove, is lovely. If you're considering an outdoor ceremony or reception, it's crucial to address inclement weather from the start.
We've all heard the horror stories about caterers, florists, DJ's etc. What should people know about working with vendors? What kinds of things do you look for in hiring a vendor?
Ask around, look at samples of their work (if possible), and talk to references, of course. After that, I recommend trying to work with people you genuinely like. If you have fallen for a specific catering company but don't love the rep you're working with, inquire about working with someone else (this will be more complicated post contract so act quickly; you likely will know immediately whether you've found a good match). Finding someone you communicate with well will make your life so much easier. Challenges that arise (and, oh, they will arise) will be more easily solved if you're not also worried about dealing with someone difficult.
Was there anything you knew as an event planner coming into this that gives you a leg up on all of the other brides?
My primary advantage is already knowing vendors. The other advantage is perspective. I'm keenly aware that lots of things go wrong behind the scenes that the guests never notice. Yet things never grind to a halt - even if equipment is missing or the talent is late or, god forbid (though I've seen it happen), you have 50 more guests than anticipated. My boss has a wonderful theory about how once events begin, we're just flotsam, floating in the largely uncontrollable current. You have to give over to it. I hope to embrace this for my wedding, too. (Wish me luck with that.)
On a related perspective note, I'm registered with all sorts of lame (but unavoidable) wedding websites - The Knot, Wedding Channel, and the like - and they're forever sending me emails that begin with, "Hi REBECCA! Only 93 days to go! Here's what you should be doing . . ." which could inspire a lot a panic if I didn't know better. For example, it's almost three months out, and I don't have a florist. Because I have experience with florists, I know that this is not a big deal, no matter what the Wedding Channel says.
Just a tip - I'm a big fan of Real Simple magazine, and their wedding pages are fantastic. Again, any timeline should be taken with a grain of salt, but they have oodles of downloadable checklists for everything from questions to ask your caterer to photos you'll probably want. If you're looking for wedding porn, hit the usual suspects. If you want useful information, head to Real Simple.
Let's talk ceremony. You and Neal are two of the most creative people I know when it comes to parties. I mean come on, Half Assed Halloween? Awesome. What's the ceremony going to be like? Will this be the time you go all traditional or are there offbeat touches?
A tangent first - because Neal and I cannot afford to invite more than the innermost circle of friends to the wedding, we're doing Half Assed Halloween V: The Wedding Reception the weekend after the wedding proper. I hope to see lots of bloody bridesmaid dresses.
A dear friend we both worked with back in the early days of our relationship (back when the millennium was new) is going to be our celebrant. That's really all we know so far. Every now and again when I'm making menu notes or looking at yet another hairstyle gallery, I think, "Oh right! This is a wedding. We should figure out that bit where we get married." There's been talk of incorporating a Coke (we really love Coke) in the ceremony. I briefly pushed to incorporate Scrabble, but that seems a bit much. We're muddling through. I'll report back if there are any revelations!
Finally, what do you want your guests to remember form the wedding?
How gorgeous I looked! I kid, I kid (though I do hope that's amongst everyone's memories). I just want everyone to have a really good time and be happy. It's what I hope I remember, too.
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