So Evelyn and I go way back. WAAY back to the days when we were both single, working for a sex ed advocacy group, and stalking potential boyfriends. Well not stalking but going to the alley behind their apartments to see if their light was on and they were really sick. Anyway, our history with weddings goes back too. Evelyn "hired" me to be the coordinator at her friend Emma's wedding and gave me the opportunity to coordinated her own wedding. The wedding was a blast, even more me and J who were running it. Evelyn and her fella were crazy organized and were that couple that really worked well together and enjoyed each other's company. It helped that her fella, Rikel, had an awesome family that was supportive, helpful, and fun. Anyway, since the wedding Evelyn and I talk a lot about weddings and the weird dynamics that end up happening. She wrote this email to me and is allowing me to reprint it here. It think it captures a lot of how i feel about weddings.
From Evelyn:
I attended a very weird wedding a couple of weekends ago. Let me just provide you with some background information -- the groom is a very nice guy, dorky, white, and incredibly picky eater. He's been dating a -- you guessed it! -- a golden sister for the last 8 years or so -- they met in high school. She is petite, cute, a nurse, and ... how do I say this delicately? ... a psychotic bitch. i'm not sure that I've ever heard her utter more than 10 words in public, and when she does speak, its never above a faint squeak.
He is a friend of Rikel's and several months ago, Rikel told me that he was worried about his friend's upcoming nuptials. his friend would say things about his own wedding like, "you don't realize you've made this huge decision, and when you do, its like you are in deep, black hole that you can't get out of it." and then, "ha ha, isn't that funny?" then he opened up to Rikel a bit more, the Bride has some anger issues. She was really set on getting married on 06/07/08, and after two years of searching for the perfect location for our wedding, we found it. however, it was booked for the day she wanted, and so the Bride spent two hours crying and throwing stuff around the apartment." Or, "Oh yeah, the Bride and I went to a park two hours away, and we thought it would be fun to play croquet. But then she started to lose and was so mad, and threw such a huge fit that we had to leave right away." Anyway, there are a whole slew of stories about the Bride basically throwing temper tantrums over ridiculously little things. her fiance (now husband) sums it up by saying, "The Birde may not look it, but she's pretty scary when things don't go her way." He's suggested a number of times that she "sees someone" about her anger management issues.
Anyway, we attended their wedding and I must admit that everything was beautiful. flowers were gorgeous, her dress was beautiful, everything was meticulously well planned. They had been engaged for over two years. but there was something sad about it too ... and when I thought about it later, I realized what it did NOT have -- joy. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that you can plan for joy, but its something that has to come 100% from the couple. The couple sets the tone for how much "joy" there is at the wedding, and honestly, the bride seems to have more influence in this department than the groom. This I think is why those Bridezilla shows are also so depressing. So many of the brides lack joy at their own wedding and it shows.
let me give you a few examples of what happens at a joyless wedding:
1) no emotion of any sort during the ceremony from ANYONE. no one -- not even the parents and relatives -- teared up during the ceremony.
2) the groom had been telling us that he and the Bride had been taking dance lessons for months. Even 3 days before the ceremony, they had to go to the space for a dance rehearsal. The result: a basic foxtrot with the groom nervously counting each beat the entire time. it was perfectly choreographed, but it was not fun, and definitely not romantic. you could have programmed two robots to dance the foxtrot and have gotten the same effect.
3) when guests were invited to dance, no one did.
4) people left as early as they could.
This isn't too say that just because the wedding is joyless means that the marriage is doomed to fail (though they are probably positively correlated) ... but if you want to throw a good and fun wedding that won't have people staring at their watches, it seems that the bride needs to loosen up a bit! But really, I kept thinking about their possible children, and how much it would suck to be raised by a mother who showed no emotion at all except occasional psychotic outbursts of anger. yuck.
Finally, one other bit of wedding related gossip(?) you may find interesting ... so my friend B was telling me that when she and her husband were living on an Indian reservation, they found some of their friends' over-the-top, extravagant weddings a bit hard to take. They were totally disoriented since they were coming from a place of abject poverty into "platinum" weddings. So they initiated a secret "protest gift" when they had to attend a wedding that they thought was either a) a bad idea; b). was needlessly ostentatious ... or c) both.
The protest gift? A salad tosser. Then they would wait for the thank you note ... praying -- PRAYING -- it would go something like this:
Dear B and J,
Thank you so much for sharing our special day . We loved the gift. In fact, I just can't wait to come home from work everyday just so I can toss Sammy's salad. I am sure that your gift will bring us many years of salad tossing.
Love,
Muffy and Sammy
So, to Rikel's absolute horror, guess what gift I bought for the Bride's wedding?
Heh.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
TV Recommendation - Rock the Reception
I'll start off by saying I absolutely adore choreographed wedding dances? You know what makes me cry? The youtube video of that couple doing their wacky dance to Baby Got Back. I love stuff like that because you have to be game to do something so hilarious on your wedding day. They are the opposite of "that straight couple." You know the ones. They are the basis of every bad sitcom on CBS where the wife is some uptight harpy and the husband is a dumb slob. "That straight couple" would never do a goofy wedding dance because the harpy wife would be bitching for the rest of their marriage how their "elegant" wedding was ruined by something so embarrassing. The flip side is the husband would be all "dude I don't dance" to get out there are do a choreographed dance. What i adore about these dances is that both people are game. They are there to have a good time WITH EACH OTHER and know that the other person is there to back them up no matter how silly they get. You look at them dancing to Sir Mix a lot or "Thriller" and they are having a blast. A couple that really has fun together is a couple that will last.
Anyway, tt was a Sunday night and J and I were bored. We flipped some channels and ended up on TLC watching The Singing Office with Joey Fatone and Mel C. That was all fine and good. Well, actually it wasn't because the singing and dancing was atrocious. But the show afterwards was a masterpiece of wedding tv - Rock the Reception. The whole concept of the show is that a couple agreed to have Napoleon and Tabitha, the Hip hop choreographers from So You Think You Can Dance choreograph and teach them a two-minute routine they will perform as a surprise first dance. I am so loving this show for all the reasons I love these dances. The couples totally adore each other and are pretty game for anything. The show is head and shoulders above a lot of the wedding reality TV shows because they are not invested in documenting bad behavior on anyone's part. This ranks right up there with the first three seasons of Whose Wedding is it Anyway? where you got to see the ins and outs of how a wedding planner puts together a wedding. I could go on and on about that show but that is another post.
Anyway, tt was a Sunday night and J and I were bored. We flipped some channels and ended up on TLC watching The Singing Office with Joey Fatone and Mel C. That was all fine and good. Well, actually it wasn't because the singing and dancing was atrocious. But the show afterwards was a masterpiece of wedding tv - Rock the Reception. The whole concept of the show is that a couple agreed to have Napoleon and Tabitha, the Hip hop choreographers from So You Think You Can Dance choreograph and teach them a two-minute routine they will perform as a surprise first dance. I am so loving this show for all the reasons I love these dances. The couples totally adore each other and are pretty game for anything. The show is head and shoulders above a lot of the wedding reality TV shows because they are not invested in documenting bad behavior on anyone's part. This ranks right up there with the first three seasons of Whose Wedding is it Anyway? where you got to see the ins and outs of how a wedding planner puts together a wedding. I could go on and on about that show but that is another post.
Friday, July 4, 2008
The Basics - What you need to run a wedding
Let's talk about running things the day of your wedding. First of all, if you are the people getting married, I highly recommend that you set things up so you and your loved ones will be the guests at your own weedding. While you probably may know all of the details about what needs to happen, downlaod, download, download. What i mean by that is to let at least one person who is not a member of the wedding party know all of the details of what needs to happen. That includes how the centerpieces need to be arranged, who needs what and who's who (i.e. who is holding a grudge against whom). The obvious answer is to pay a wedding coordinator to do that. That's a great idea and I hope to have a guest blgoger talk about her experience with her wedding coordinator. Unless you have tons of money to hire a wedding coordinator who will do everything, you will probably being doing a lot of the legwork that a coordinator will be implementing the day of. So whether the coordinator is a friend or someone you pay, you will still need to give them the tools to make sure they can do their job.
When I've coordinated wedding for friends these are the things I've needed:
The minute by minute play by play - This is the your Bible. It says when everything will happen. That includes not just when the ceremony is starting but when the wedding party needs to be at the ceremony space for photos, when vendors are delivering and setting things up, when the reception needs to wind down and when people are talking. This would include what items need to be set up where (i.e. candles at the altar, the microphone for speakers, and what needs to be in the rooms the wedding couple is getting ready in).
A vendor list WITH phone numbers - Your wedding coordinator is your enforcer. If a vendor is late in delivering, the wedding coordinator will need their phone number to kick their ass.
A list of important people WITH cell phone numbers - In this day and age most of us have cell phones. Coordinating involves cat herding. Make sure you ahve the right lasso for the cat herding. This means cell phones. This list doesn't need to include every guest but it should have people who need to be at the wedding or else the wedding wouldn't be able to happen. That includes readers, helpers, family, and anyone who will be participating in any way in the ceremony or the reception.
The Shot List - The photographer will take many many pictures during the wedding but this is to ensure that you will have ALL of the pictures you want. The coordinator should review the shot list with the photographer prior to the wedding and check in with them every so often to make sure they are taking the necessary photos.
A list of flowers - The weeding coordinator should check this off with the florist to make sure everyone who has a bouquet, boutonniere, or nosegay, gets one. This is also important if your florist is providing the centerpieces as well.
A seating map - This tells you what table is where. I highly recommend using names instead of numbers for the tables. That way, if tables get moved around you won't worry that table#12 is right nexto table #6. The seating chart should also have a list of who is sitting where. While table cards may be self evident, there will always be someone who asks.
Being the person who has gotten married and also the person who's run a wedding, it's really important that there's other peopel who know what's going on and other people that guests, vendors, and people in the wedding party can go to for answers. While the wedding couple will get those questions, it makes the day better to have someone else to send the questions to. The other thing I say is start early with putting this stuff together. Bring your coordinator along with you and talk through all of the details with them. Take care of your coordinator and they will take care of you.
When I've coordinated wedding for friends these are the things I've needed:
The minute by minute play by play - This is the your Bible. It says when everything will happen. That includes not just when the ceremony is starting but when the wedding party needs to be at the ceremony space for photos, when vendors are delivering and setting things up, when the reception needs to wind down and when people are talking. This would include what items need to be set up where (i.e. candles at the altar, the microphone for speakers, and what needs to be in the rooms the wedding couple is getting ready in).
A vendor list WITH phone numbers - Your wedding coordinator is your enforcer. If a vendor is late in delivering, the wedding coordinator will need their phone number to kick their ass.
A list of important people WITH cell phone numbers - In this day and age most of us have cell phones. Coordinating involves cat herding. Make sure you ahve the right lasso for the cat herding. This means cell phones. This list doesn't need to include every guest but it should have people who need to be at the wedding or else the wedding wouldn't be able to happen. That includes readers, helpers, family, and anyone who will be participating in any way in the ceremony or the reception.
The Shot List - The photographer will take many many pictures during the wedding but this is to ensure that you will have ALL of the pictures you want. The coordinator should review the shot list with the photographer prior to the wedding and check in with them every so often to make sure they are taking the necessary photos.
A list of flowers - The weeding coordinator should check this off with the florist to make sure everyone who has a bouquet, boutonniere, or nosegay, gets one. This is also important if your florist is providing the centerpieces as well.
A seating map - This tells you what table is where. I highly recommend using names instead of numbers for the tables. That way, if tables get moved around you won't worry that table#12 is right nexto table #6. The seating chart should also have a list of who is sitting where. While table cards may be self evident, there will always be someone who asks.
Being the person who has gotten married and also the person who's run a wedding, it's really important that there's other peopel who know what's going on and other people that guests, vendors, and people in the wedding party can go to for answers. While the wedding couple will get those questions, it makes the day better to have someone else to send the questions to. The other thing I say is start early with putting this stuff together. Bring your coordinator along with you and talk through all of the details with them. Take care of your coordinator and they will take care of you.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The Wedding Blog
No, J and I aren’t having another wedding. That would be self indulgent. We will, however, tie the knot in City Hall just to have an actual marriage license and legal recognition. We did decide to start a wedding blog because I like to talk about weddings and J wants a place to give handy tips on how to plan a wedding. This will be a place to talk about all things weddings. Details from our own wedding. Weddings we’ve been to. TV shows about weddings. Books about weddings. Magazines about weddings.
So to start with, we’re a same-gender couple. That makes our view of weddings a bit more unconventional and a bit more on the do-it-yourself side. We had a queer, Quaker, fragrance-free, Vietnamese, feminist, Texan, barbecue, Pan-Asian wedding. We had a year and a half to plan and did as much as we could ourselves without actually being forced to cook or clean on the day of the wedding. Miraculously all of our vendors and helpers came right on time. We had food brought in from two places – Rockland’s Barbecue and Café Asia. The staff of Café Asia was in charge of setting up the food and cleaning everything up afterwards.
We had a Clearness Committee at our Monthly Meeting guide us through the spiritual aspects of getting married and BEING married within the Religious Society of Friends. This meant talking to us about how we defined marriage and how we would take care of each other as a married couple. It also meant they would be giving direction to us about the ceremony.
We invited around 200 people and exactly 99 showed up for the ceremony and an additional 20 showed up for the reception. We had our wedding over MLK Jr. weekend which was also the weekend of the anti-war protests so we couldn’t be too pissed off that a few folks had to skip the ceremony. They were fighting for peace!
You’ll hear more about the blessed day but for now just know it was a blast and everyone (to our knowledge) had a good time.
Starting
So you all have made the decision to have a wedding. This is different from getting married which doesn’t necessarily involved guests, food, or even a ceremony. But if you want to have a wedding, starting is the fun part.
So to begin, close your eyes. Think about what your wedding will be like. What does it look like to you? A big buffet of gourmet food? A vision of you in your outfit and your prospective spouse in theirs? A few close friends and family? Tons of people dancing and tipsy? This is the daydreaming part.
As you think about your dream wedding here are some things to think about:
Formality – So what will the guy wear? A suit and tie? A white shirt and linen pants? A tux? A morning suit? This is what sets the tone for the wedding guests. Will this be an evening wedding where you envision evening gowns? Or an afternoon outdoor wedding on the beach? Whatever it is, your level of formality will set the tone for many other things. It’s really important as your send your invitations to make the level of formality clear. Our friends Becky and Suzanne had a flip flop theme and made sure everyone knew that the brides would be married in flip flops. J and I wore khakis, button down shirts and flip flops and we matched the tone of the event perfectly.
What’s important – If you are on a budget, you can’t have it all so think about what’s important. For us it was the good time as opposed to the aesthetics. While our decorations were nice, they were minimal. We did prioritize getting a good music list, a good swing band, and good food. We also made sure to hire a caterer who really knew what they were doing. Other folks may want to make really great memories and a beautiful ceremony which means a lot of money on flowers and accessories. Others may want really important people to be there for them and help subsidize their travel. Either way it a choice.
How much money do you have? – No seriously. Do you want your parents involved? How much are you willing to max out the credit cards? Come up with that number and don’t assume anyone’s parents are going to make a magical donation at the last minute. (I only say this because there was a Bridezilla style show on Oxygen where a spoiled girl wanted an upgrade on EVERYTHING and just told the vendors her parents would pay for it.)
So what about the rest of you? What were the things you had to think about in planning your wedding?
So to start with, we’re a same-gender couple. That makes our view of weddings a bit more unconventional and a bit more on the do-it-yourself side. We had a queer, Quaker, fragrance-free, Vietnamese, feminist, Texan, barbecue, Pan-Asian wedding. We had a year and a half to plan and did as much as we could ourselves without actually being forced to cook or clean on the day of the wedding. Miraculously all of our vendors and helpers came right on time. We had food brought in from two places – Rockland’s Barbecue and Café Asia. The staff of Café Asia was in charge of setting up the food and cleaning everything up afterwards.
We had a Clearness Committee at our Monthly Meeting guide us through the spiritual aspects of getting married and BEING married within the Religious Society of Friends. This meant talking to us about how we defined marriage and how we would take care of each other as a married couple. It also meant they would be giving direction to us about the ceremony.
We invited around 200 people and exactly 99 showed up for the ceremony and an additional 20 showed up for the reception. We had our wedding over MLK Jr. weekend which was also the weekend of the anti-war protests so we couldn’t be too pissed off that a few folks had to skip the ceremony. They were fighting for peace!
You’ll hear more about the blessed day but for now just know it was a blast and everyone (to our knowledge) had a good time.
Starting
So you all have made the decision to have a wedding. This is different from getting married which doesn’t necessarily involved guests, food, or even a ceremony. But if you want to have a wedding, starting is the fun part.
So to begin, close your eyes. Think about what your wedding will be like. What does it look like to you? A big buffet of gourmet food? A vision of you in your outfit and your prospective spouse in theirs? A few close friends and family? Tons of people dancing and tipsy? This is the daydreaming part.
As you think about your dream wedding here are some things to think about:
Formality – So what will the guy wear? A suit and tie? A white shirt and linen pants? A tux? A morning suit? This is what sets the tone for the wedding guests. Will this be an evening wedding where you envision evening gowns? Or an afternoon outdoor wedding on the beach? Whatever it is, your level of formality will set the tone for many other things. It’s really important as your send your invitations to make the level of formality clear. Our friends Becky and Suzanne had a flip flop theme and made sure everyone knew that the brides would be married in flip flops. J and I wore khakis, button down shirts and flip flops and we matched the tone of the event perfectly.
What’s important – If you are on a budget, you can’t have it all so think about what’s important. For us it was the good time as opposed to the aesthetics. While our decorations were nice, they were minimal. We did prioritize getting a good music list, a good swing band, and good food. We also made sure to hire a caterer who really knew what they were doing. Other folks may want to make really great memories and a beautiful ceremony which means a lot of money on flowers and accessories. Others may want really important people to be there for them and help subsidize their travel. Either way it a choice.
How much money do you have? – No seriously. Do you want your parents involved? How much are you willing to max out the credit cards? Come up with that number and don’t assume anyone’s parents are going to make a magical donation at the last minute. (I only say this because there was a Bridezilla style show on Oxygen where a spoiled girl wanted an upgrade on EVERYTHING and just told the vendors her parents would pay for it.)
So what about the rest of you? What were the things you had to think about in planning your wedding?
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