The Blessed Freaking Day

Gendered spaces or ...

2009-10-21T13:39:00.001-07:00

When you assume you make and ass out of you. So I just saw this bit about Yahoo's oh so classy display of tech chauvinism. Yes, it prompted me to post after months of silence. Because women hackers, I feel ya and it completely sucks to be in a space that ignores you exist. The thing is, there are plenty of female hackers, queer hackers, and even straight male hackers that just aren't into the whole lap dance thing. But in the eyes of yahoo, do they exist? Hells to the no.

As a dude who planned his wedding and the wedding of several friends as well as a male quilter, I feel ya! It's not just the obvious things like having lap dancers. It's all of the things that lap dancers say about who counts in that space and who does. I'm not a hacker, but here's my experience when J and I went to wedding expos and talked to vendors:

Having vendors LOOK PAST ME for my nonexistent female fiancee - "Where's your fiancee?"
Everything labeled as for the bride - Bridal Suite, Bridal Massage, Bridal pre-wedding brunch
Everything labeled for a woman - Something SHE will love. Making the day memorable for HER.
Pepto bismo pink for every product under the sun
Having a separate space for "the guys" to watch guy things like football, golf, etc.

The thing is, I spend money. For my wedding, I spent a considerable amount of money. Apart of the issue of social justice, you folks are losing money. For those folks who planned the yahoo hackers gathering. Get the blinders off. Men give a damn about their weddings. Women do computer programming. You're leaving money on the table by ignoring us and offending us.

Dropping a bomb

2009-05-11T10:54:00.001-07:00

It's been a while. I finally decided to break the radio silence for this question. For all of you straight couples out there - why is to so necessary to have single gendered wedding parties with the women all next to the bride and the men next to the groom? Seriously, I just don't get it. Most of the people J and I are close to are women. Therefore, most of our wedding party were women. But beyond that, I wonder about the siblings. Shouldn't your sister or brother be standing up with you? In several weddings I've been to, the groom's sister stands with the bride and the bride's brother stands with the groom. Why? is there like social pressure from parents to make it so?

REALLY ending the radio silence

2009-02-19T07:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry everyone, I'm not like Scotte who posts like five times a week. For some reason I just couldn't figure out what to write. Rebecca Mead's One Perfect Day still pissed me off. There are still awesome weddings happening. In fact you have to take a look at this one. Seriously. THEY DID IT THEMSELVES. And it looked a zillion times more elegant than most weddings that spent mad cash.

A more thorough analysis on those weighty subject will be forthcoming but I wanted to give my two cents on an even weightier subject - marriage rights. More specifically, expanding the rights of the unmarried. I think the fatal flaw in all of this same-sex marriage business is that privileging of a married relationship over all other things. We shoot ourselves in the foot when we think marriage is the end all and be all.

There's an article in the Washington Post about the popularity of France's civil unions law, or PACS, among STRAIGHT couples. Yes, straight couples are forgoing marriage for PACS. It appears heterosexual marriage has been doing a good job undermining itself without the help of us gays. Heterosexuals PREFER the legal union without the marriage baggage.

I'm saddened to see a bill in Utah (HB 160) was killed in committee because it does precisely what I think a true "marriage' law should do, expand the rights of couplehood beyond those with a romantic relationships. My relationship with J is no more special than a parent to a child, siblings, or even roommates. As France shows, there are a lot of heterosexual couples who don't want the baggage of marriage. I've heard of this specifically for senior citizens where they don't wanto t lose the social security benefits of a previous marriage to get married again so they end up shacking up.

As much as I love weddings and value my married relationship, I do think there's something wrong with saying the devotion J and I show to each other is worth more rights and privileges than any other twosome. If we have learned nothing as folks living the alternative lifestyle, it should be that family comes in all shapes and sizes. Given that one spouse can die before another, the constellation of people taking care of us at the end of our lives looks less like Ozzy and Harriet and more like the Golden Girls.

I'm Back!

2008-12-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the long silence. It's been hard to write anything post election since our marriage may be invalidated by the state. By the way, Attorney General Jerry Brown is urging the CA Supreme Court to invalidate Prop 8. THAT, Barack Obama, is being a fierce advocate.

Along with the crappy thing that happened, Mr. MC and East Coast Rebecca got married! The bride and groom look smashing! I had to get them to do my first post-wedding interview.

When we last were talking about actual weddings and actual wedding planning, Mr. MC and East Coast Rebecca were on the cusp of their wedding. Now 52% of people in California say Boo to same-sex marriage, we can go back to frivolous talk about flowers and caterers because seriously after having over half a state tell me my marriage doesn't count, I REALLY want to talk about flowers and caterers. Let's check in with the happy couple post wedding:

From the pictures, you two looked gorgeous and happy. How did the weather hold up? Fall in Washington, DC can be spectacular or it can be a cold rainy mess.

ECR: It was the first really cool day of the season, which was a little colder than we'd hoped. We warned everyone that fall can be unpredictable, though, so all the ladies came prepared with wraps and whatnot.

MMC: Yeah, but we wanted a fall wedding and our day definitely felt autumnal. It was lovely.

Do the day go as planned? Was it comfortably elegant? Did the vendors do what they were supposed to?

ECR: Things went mostly as planned. There were two big sources of pre-wedding panic - my dress wasn't at the drycleaner when we went to pick it up (it arrived within 45 minutes, but that was definitely an "oh shit" moment), and my parents and I got caught in terrible traffic on the way to the venue and arrived an hour after I'd hoped to be there. Turns out it was Howard University's homecoming.

I think it was very comfortably elegant, classy but not stuffy. And the vendors were great.

MMC: I have to admit I was surprised when my expert event planning wife was unaware of the Howard homecoming and then chose a Mapquest route that went ... right past Howard. She was being driven by her dad, who doesn't know DC at all, so that made it interesting. Luckily I was able to look up a Google map and talk them around their traffic jam.

Tell me about the ceremony. Had Mr. MC seen the dress before or was that a surprise? Mr. MC, what were you thinking when you first saw East Coast Rebecca? How were you feeling Rebecca?

ECR: A friend from Philly got ordained so that he could be our celebrant, and he did an absolutely brilliant job. We had trouble finding two appropriately long readings for the ceremony, so we chose an assortment of shorter readings (as well as a couple of longer ones) and assigned them to friends right before the wedding. Each reader just stood up in place to do their bit. It worked really nicely, much to our delight.

As soon as I got to the venue, I felt great - a little wound up, sure, but I was happy and excited and ready to see everyone.

MMC: Basically I was the one human within a 200 mile radius of the bride who had not seen the dress in advance of the day, so yes it was a surprise. Although I don't know if surprise is the right word. It was a beautiful white wedding dress. Surprise! I guess if it had been a hot pink pantsuit, that would have been a surprise. All I know is that she looked beautiful. Like, whoa, beautiful.

What about the reception? What did you serve and how was the vibe?

ECR: We did the heavy hors d'oeuvres thing, and we provided seating for maybe 80% of the attendees. This meant that folks ate when they wanted, talked, danced, ate more, etc. as they saw fit. It made things a bit more casual, which I prefer to a big seated dinner.

The food included beef brisket, roasted chicken with cider jus, New Orleans style shrimp (in a spicy butter sauce), autumn vegetable tarts, and a hot potato-apple salad (with optional bacon). In lieu of a cake, we had a dessert buffet with tiny apple crisps served in shot glasses along with other treats. The caterer also passed mini ice cream cones. They were totally the hit of the party.

MMC: The vibe was indeed chill and yet festive. We didn't do some of the more traditional reception mainstays. No introductions, no toasts, no garter or bouquet toss, no cutting of the cake (no cake!) and we did our "first dance" without announcing it, so for a while it was just the two of us off dancing to Stevie Wonder alone. It was great. We did the music by iPod and it worked well. Only had to attend to it 2 or 3 times all night. Eventually the music got jumping and there was some serious dancing going on; everything from Al Green to Miley Cyrus. Yes, Miley was a hit...

What were the happy surprises? Those moments that everyone remembers but aren't in the script?

ECR: Neal told me he would send a child to fetch me when it was ceremony time, and I was shocked and delighted to see the adorable blonde head of Aidan, a kid I used to babysit, peering around the door at me. That was awesome. Also memorable was our celebrant's welcoming family, friends, and "Rebecca's gays." People are still laughing about that.

Oh, although it wasn't part of the wedding, my friends from home had a big banner printed with Rick Astley's face on it and "Rebecca and Neal - 2-gether 4-ever" and put it on our hotel room door.

MMC: Yeah, Aiden rocked.

Anything you'd do differently?

ECR: Pick up my dress earlier and ask the photographer to do more formal pictures of Neal and me.

MMC: Not wait so long to pop the question.

Finally, how was the Halloween party? Any memorable costumes? Or did people half ass it?

ECR: It was a good time, but I must admit it was tough to get properly enthused coming off of such a monumental event the previous week. No memorable costumes, I don't think.

MMC: I don't even remember what I wore. And yes, we should have skipped the party this year. But next year it can double as our anniversary party!

Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice

2008-11-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

First the rain. There are tears in my eyes and I write this. The joy of an Obama victory is tempered by the sadness of a likely passage of California Proposition 8, a ballot initiative designed to take away legal recognition of my marriage to J and tens of thousands like it.

Here's what I said this morning in reaction to this devastating news.

There are a Defense of Marriage Ballot Initiative in California in 2000. A mere 8 years ago, that proposition passed by a 65-35 margin. Eight years later 48% of our state supports the legal recognition of same-sex marriage. As every poll shows that young people overwhelmingly support legal recognition for same sex marriage, I think it will take another 8 years to win back marriage rights. In the wake of the Emancipation Proclamation, African Americans faced another 100 years of Jim Crow.

We share this sadness with our brothers and sisters in Florida and Arizona who saw similar measures upheld. We are up against a right wing infrastructure that requires its members to tithe 10% of their income to the church. This is a right wing infrastructure that tells its members how to vote from the pulpit. We were up against a right wing infrastructure that was pretty comfortable lying about teaching gay marriage in schools. That's a lot to be up against.

We LGBT folks haven't done our work as well. African Americans voted overwhelmingly for Prop 8. I ask, why should they not? Have LGBT leaders spoken up against drug penalties, police profiling, affordable housing, and unequal distribution of education resources? Have we marched for immigrant rights? Supported unionization efforts?

Was our ground game the best it could be? My experience volunteering for the No On 8 campaign had me, J and West Coast Rebecca stand in a BART station for "visibility." There were 50 other volunteers directed to do the same that we encountered. I think an overwhelmed campaign didn't have the resources to have us phone bank, door knock, and canvass. In contrast to the No on Prop 4 campaign that was focused strictly on phone banking, No on 8 seemed to expend a lot of volunteer resources on "visibility." Hindsight is 20/20 but let's do this better because there will be a next time.

Finally, the sunshine. We elected a mixed-race African American president with families members who are white, immigrant, Asian, and working class. We expanded our majorities in the House and Senate. We defeated ballot initiatives in California, South Dakota and Colorado which would have severely restricted reproductive rights. We lived through 8 years of a Bush administration to come out on the other side with a Democratic President and Democratic majorities.

I can only quote Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a civil rights leader and COMMUNITY ORGANIZER: "Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice."

I will not shut up about this until tomorrow night

2008-11-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

One more thing about Prop 8 and the whole anti-same-sex marriage kerfluffle. For those who are all worried about changing the definition of marriage, it's been changed. For the better. Multiple times. If you are such a big ol' Bible reader, you should know that the definition of marriage in the Old Testament was a man and a woman and another woman and another woman and another one. Also, the old definition of marriage essentially required that the husband pay the bride's father for the right to marry her. You are all worried about the slippery slope argument about allowing incestuous marriages and multiple spouse marriages. It has been changed to the one man one woman definition. It's been changed for people of different races to be married. What makes you this THIS change is the bad one?

Protect Marriage, Protect Love

2008-10-27T14:44:00.001-07:00

I’m not posting much these days because these seem to be perilous days for my marriage to J. Proposition 8, is coming up on the ballot and it would invalidate all same sex marriages in California. We’re leading by the slimmest of margins but the right wing continues to throw millions into this election. I hate this because there so much more we need to fight for. You know, marriage should even be an issue if we had universal health care, comprehensive child care, and a truly progressive tax system. Marriage shouldn’t be an issue if all people were allowed to designate someone, anyone to receive their life insurance, gym memberships, and pensions. Who am I to say that my marriage to J is a more important relationship that a son taking care of his elderly mother, best friends living Golden Girls style, or two siblings?

You see, for all of the right wing whining about marriage being redefined, it’s ALWAYS been redefined. Look at the Bible folks. Biblical marriages weren’t defined as one man and one woman. They were one man and multiple wives. GASP. Since the time of the Bible marriage was redefined, and for the better I might add. Marriage has been redefined time and time again to allow for the fact that women are thinking human beings, people of different races don’t pollute each other’s gene pool, and kids still in school might now have the best judgment to choose their life partner. Think back to the middle of the last century. I ask you, does marriage looks exactly the same as it does now in terms of responsibilities, relationships, and care of children?

I know I’m preaching to the choir here so I am asking the small choir of readers to sing (metaphorically). If you live in California, vote no on Prop 8. If you live outside of California, call your friends and loved ones there and tell them to vote no on Prop 8.

A Blessed day indeed

2008-10-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

So rightwing nutcase Michelle Malkin is pissed off at this. This, a class field trip ORGANIZED by the children's parents to go see their teacher get married. If this does not make you feel warm a gooey inside, you are dead to me.

So please, vote no on Prop 8. In fact, if you have a bit of money in these tough times, give a bit to the campaign.

Lest you harbor any illusions about me

2008-09-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

Ok. I have a rule about accepting an invitation to a wedding – I don’t go to a wedding unless there’s a tableful of people I know and like. I know, I know. The wedding is clearly not about me. BUT you know that most guests who aren’t in the wedding party or house party spend about five minutes with the wedding couple. If you are depending on being lucky and having a tableful of people you DON’T know pay attention to you, then you are the most optimistic person on earth.

In the 20 weddings I have attended in my lifetime, there have been only two where I didn’t know a soul and I ALSO had a great time. The first was at the Lacnaster’s wedding where the entire wedding party spent a week at one of the bridesmaid’s house and turned into a summer camp experience where we all went to the beach together and pledge eternal friendship by the end of the wedding. The second was at a college friend of J’s where I sat next to a college acquaintance of J’s who spent the whole ceremony cracking me up.

Even with those exceptions, most weddings are so much more fun when you have shared history with your tablemates and want to catch up with them. Without a tableful of buddies, the wedding has a high school reunion feel about it where you feel like you got something to prove to your tablemates. The worst case scenario is where you end up feeling isolated and resentful. But most of you aren’t me and can rise above petty feelings. I actually have a similar ban on high school reunions – I will never go to any of mine or accompany J on any of his.

Post Wedding Brunch

2008-09-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

So there was this letter on indiebride about affording a post-wedding brunch.

CAN'T AFFORD BRUNCH?

Dear Elise:

My fiance and I, and my mother, to a lesser extent, are paying for our wedding in the spring. My fiance's mother is unable to contribute to any of the costs, which is fine, but we are running into a bit of a difficult situation in that we would like to have a post-wedding brunch, but neither we nor my mother will be able to finance another event. Is it extremely tacky to have a non-hosted brunch? I'm thinking it might be.

Thanks for any advice.

- Brunching Bride

Dear BB,

Simply stated: it is not a good idea to invite people to a party that they will have to pay for. There is no way to graciously issue this invitation and invariably people will show up, not realizing they were expected to shell out and wind up confused and possibly put out.

This does not, of course, mean that you have to give up on the whole brunch idea. Instead you should refine your plans. What can you afford to do? Could you manage a large-scale picnic-type event? There are a lot of ways to imagine an inexpensive brunch party once you take the whole sit-down meal out of the equation. An at-home buffet-style gathering could also be very affordable.

The bottom line is that you would like everyone to be able to get together, and this is possible even on a small budget as long as you reconfigure your expectations. See where revised thinking leads you and don't give up hope.

Congratulations,

Elise

I adore the advice Elise gives on indiebride because she's nice to the brides and gives them practical advice. This question is fun because I am a big proponent of ancillary events for weddings. Most guests will spend a grand total of seven minutes with the wedding couple during the wedding. That's just the way weddings go. But if you have a post wedding something, it creates a relaxed space for loved ones to spend some quality time with the wedding couple.

Traditionally, this has come in the form of a post wedding brunch, but I have seen this play out in several different ways. This is a chance to unwind, open presents, and catch up with everyone. Many couples get married in the early afternoon and have a late lunch reception. This leaves time to have a relaxed dinner. In the cases of a couple of housemates, we went pack to the group house, invited anyone who was free to come and chillax and ordered pizza. In the case of my friend Evelyn. they threw a party in their hotel room with cheese and crackers.

We had a post-wedding brunch hosted by Rootbeer. Knowing that noone was going to do any cooking the day after the wedding, we got a platter of bagels from Pumpernickel's and a pastry platter from Bread and Chocolate. Rootbeer herself was kind enough to provide her well appointed apartment and orange juice, coffee and tea. The brunch set us back and grant total of $80 bucks.

This brings me back to the original question which was whether to have a non-hosted brunch. It's pretty easy to have a hosted one that won't clear your bank account. Wine and cheese, pizza, or bagels don't need to set you back much at all. The funnest part of all of these events was that they got to use the arrangements from the wedding itself to decorate.

Once again, I would highly recommending doing a post wedding thing because the impact is low and the fun factor is high.

Interview - The Mother in Law

2008-09-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

I adore all of my in-laws but my Mother-in-Law is my comrade in arms when it comes to event planning. The woman is fricking brilliant and every meal, gathering, and social event is planned so that the host can have as much fun as the guests. She was invaluable in putting together our first wedding and I've learned a lot about how to plan a successful event from her.

Not to give your age away but you've just celebrated your 40th Anniversary. What was your wedding like and what was the most memorable part of your wedding?

We did not have a lot of money to spend on the wedding, but we had a beautiful one. My Mother had some funny ideas about what was important - such as engraved invitations (which were very costly). My Grandmother was a seamstress and was going to make my gown even though I also sewed for myself quite a bit. We went to a department store in downtown Fort Worth to look at dresses to get some ideas. She never used a pattern, but she could look at something and copy it. I tried on a few dresses, and finally I tried on the one I loved. She loved it so much also that she bought it for me! We then got a Mantilla lace veil to go with it. In 1968 when I married there were no wedding specialty stores. You had to buy everything at the department stores. Grandmother then decided to also look at their Bridesmaid dresses, and we found one I loved. We ordered it and everything was very easy!

The church I grew up in did not have marriages, but I had been to a friend's wedding and I loved the pastor. We were able to have him for our wedding and we found a church we liked , Arlington Heights Christian on Camp Bowie in Fort Worth that would not be very far from our home. Dad maintained a beautiful yard and was very proud to have the reception in the backyard. Hester on the Hill, a wonderful steak restaurant hosted the rehearsal dinner and also did the reception. Back then, there were not huge dinners or appetizers at many receptions, and most of them were held in church fellowship halls. We had a lovely menu of party sandwiches, veggies, fruit, and two beautiful cakes. I remember the base of my cake was several heart shaped cakes in a circle! Mother had a very close friend who was quite wealthy and quite a society lady. She wanted me to use the porcelain bride and groom dolls that her daughter had used on the top of the cake. The evening was beautiful - the reception amazing, (we had an organist come and an organ in the backyard to provide music. Dad had lights in the trees and fans. It was beautiful. After the last guest left, we helped them take the organ in and then one of the worst Texas thunderstorms appeared quite suddenly. I was so grateful that we had finished the reception!

In the intervening years you've seen J and his sister married. How have weddings changed since the time you got married?

I think I might have answered some of this in the previous question! Mainly the reception has changed tremendously. Now, at most weddings there is a lot of food. There is also usually a lot of dancing to the great music of a DJ. Of course video cameras have also made a difference with all the attendee interviews. I think the ceremony part has not changed much.

What do you think makes a good wedding? What are things that make a guest feel welcomed and comfortable at a wedding?

I think the organization of the day creates an atmosphere of calm and happiness. I have attended disorganized, chaotic weddings where you could hear the photographer yelling at people or where food was not sufficient. It all goes down to the planning. Guests can "feel" the atmosphere and know when everything is running smoothly. Our daughter had a wedding planner, but she had also planned every detail of the week-end. Everyone connected to the ceremony received a folder with all pertinent information including phone numbers, times, and of course, a detailed list of duties! We also had a great large notebook with all kinds of ideas collected in it. We had lots of tab dividers, and throughout the year, if we were looking at a wedding magazine and found a favor we like or a bouquet, it was clipped and put in the binder.

So explain the concept of a House Party. That's a very Texas tradition but it's really useful.

I think the House Party is a southern tradition. It honors close friends/relatives who might not be bridesmaids. We usually only had four or five at most weddings. Being in the House Party was also an honor. My House party all dressed in pastel or floral print dresses. Each of them had specific duties. Before the wedding, several of them gave me a Bridal Luncheon. Also, they all met with the Bridesmaids to fix the rice bags and favors. During the wedding, two of the House Party members would be in of the members was in charge of the Guest Book, two would be at the gift table, and several had the honor of cutting the cake.

If someone you knew was getting married, what advice would you have for them in planning their wedding? What are the dos and don'ts?

I have probably covered a lot of this also. DO start early with the big decisions - church, reception location, caterer, photographer, DJ. Keep a detailed notebook of ideas. See if close friends who have married recently also kept a notebook. I know we used one that had been passed down to several brides. It had the best florist and the best cake decorator in the area. Get as much done as you can EARLY - dresses, shoes, etc. Have some "wedding free" days. Many grooms do not care about some of the decisions - make this clear and never leave the other partner out of a decision unless the partner has made it clear that he has no opinion. Get someone to help coordinate the activities. Make sure the photographer knows what shots you want. I have seen disasters occur over the photography. ENJOY the planning because the day goes by very quickly - in a flash.

Interview - a Straight Guy's perspective

2008-09-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

In the short history of this blog, I've interviewed brides, officiants, and gay grooms, but I have yet to give a straight groom a word in edgewise. to correct this oversight, I've enlisted Mr. MC, East Coast Rebecca's "fiance." As everyone knows from East Coast Rebecca's interview, she and Mr. MC throw awesome parties. A ECR and Mr. MC wedding will be a guarantee of a good time so who better to speak for the grooms of the world than the uber-cool Mr. MC.

Ok. Not to get all academic on you, but how has or hasn't the role of a groom changed in our generation? What your role in the wedding? Are there any parts of the wedding that are your territory?

The role of groom has always been dependent on the two most important individuals involved: the bride and the mother of the bride. Our society tends to become more enlightened as things go along (current administration not withstanding), so just as you see more stay-at-home-dads and more diaper-changing stations in men’s rooms, so too you see more and more grooms having a say in the Big Day. And by “more and more” I mean that the meager 2% involvement of our fathers’ generation has skyrocketed to probably 5% today.

Like a lot of grooms the hardest part of my job is already done. I got on my knee (metaphorically), pulled out ring (again, metaphorically) and popped the question. From then on my most major job is quality control. She runs ideas by me and I agree. Truthfully, I’ve said no to a few things, but mostly I’m there as a sounding board for her ideas. I’ve been married before so I see this big day as requiring more input from her than from me and she agrees.

I’m in charge of my suit, the music, making sure the ceremony’s legal (ooh, a reminder I have to do that) and, eventually, a honeymoon. I was part of the make-our-own invitations assembly line and if we can ever afford to go on a honeymoon, I’ll plan that bad boy myself.

Speaking of roles of the wedding, what role will your daughter, Mr. Gander play for the wedding? She's so on it, I can't see her dressed in a poufy Junior bridesmaid outfit.

This is a small wedding. No bridesmaids or groomsmen, no flower girl or ring bearer. Mr. Gander will look stylish but, you’re right, nothing poufy. She is in charge of getting everyone’s picture taken for the guest book. I mean, we have a photographer, that’s done. But we’re going to have a digital camera and printer available and she’s in charge of getting pictures taken and printed and then returning them to people so they can sign them. Then, wham! Instant guestbook with photos. She’ll probably have a team of cousins to help her on her mission.

Like J and I, you and ECR have been together for a long time before any wedding talk came up. Do you think your relationship will change at all?

Yes. Like all married couples we will never have sex again.

What are you looking forward to about the wedding? Also, is there any aspect of the wedding that is particularly stressful or will it be a well oiled machine?

We recently had an engagement party where a bunch of our friends got together (duh, like a party) but it was more intimate than our parties usually are and a lot of our friends met a lot of our friends for the first time and that was really, really fun. So, I’m looking forward to seeing people together for the first time; Our families especially. My folks have never met her folks, so that’s going to be fun. My dad is almost identical to her brother-in-law in some very particular ways and we’re convinced having them in the same place is going to rip a hole in the space-time continuum. And, you know, feeling all that LOVE in the air, the support from friends. Should be very exciting.

As for well-oiled machine: no such thing. Things will go wrong. That’s okay. We’ve got the most supportive audience one could possibly imagine. It’s like you’re starring in the school play and every single person in the audience is your mom. No matter how big an egg you lay, the crowd is convinced you’re perfect. I have no fears. Except traffic. And rain. And ptomaine poisoning. And spontaneous erections. And the McCain/Palin ticket. Not necessarily in that order.

Finally, what would you like the guests to remember about the wedding? How hot we looked.

P.S. I am sad not go be in DC for your half-assed Halloween. I was dying to go as a Toilet Paper Bride.
Yes, Half-Ass Halloween V: Dracula’s Wedding will continue our wedding reception one week later, but with fewer family members and more inappropriate attire. I’m sorry you can’t be there, but perhaps you could dress up as a toilet paper bride at home and you’ll FEEL like you’re there!

I is married now! We’re not so civilized after all.

2008-09-01T23:19:00.001-07:00

On Friday, August 29, 2008, the state of California recognized our relationship as a legal marriage. I’d like to point out that this something that Religious Society of Friends, our friends, family and co-workers already recognized for years before. Better late than never, California.

We decided to get married on this day because J’s parents were staying with us, and my mother was generous enough to fly up to the Bay Area from Orange County to be a witness to what we have called, “our civilizing ceremony.” It was less a wedding and more a civil union.

The day started out quite ordinarily. We putzed around the house, showed J’s parents the Old Oakland Farmers Market, and got sandwiches at Bake Sale Betty. There was really no prep other than “did you remember your ID?” One of the two flourishes of ritual we DID have was our professional photgrapher. Even though it was just a few dear friends and a few dear family, we wanted to make sure that the ceremony was documented and photographed. West Coast Rebecca, who was coming to the civilizing ceremony, asked if we would allow the ACLU of California to use pictures of our civilizing ceremony in their No on Prop 8 materials. If my face will ensure marriage equality, hells yeah!

In a piece of continuity, our photographer was the photo partner of the photographer who took pictures of our wedding in 2003. Our first wedding photographer, Gordon, spent his whole life in California but only recently moved to Oregon to be close to his two children. He referred his photo partner Michelle to us and like Gordon, she was perfect – warm, efficient, and friendly. She felt like an old friend from the moment we met her.

At 1:30 pm, we all took our showers and get ourselves pretty for the occasion. J and I decided to wear slacks and long-sleeved shirts because the day was already quite warm. Michelle came at 2:30 pm to take a few pictures of us and J’s parents. We then headed to the Alameda County Office of the Clerk and Recorder. Amidst all of the county government buildings, going to the Office of the Clerk and Recorder felt like going a very friendly DMV. We filled out the marriage application on the computer and then took a number (W370!) and waited to be called. As we waited, West Coast Rebecca and Bellisima arrived, followed by my cousin Anna. I was really touched Anna came since she worked in finance and had to get up at 4:00 am for work every morning. It was really sweet of her to give up her afternoon nap for us being civilized. Fifteen minutes later, my mother and brother came in. We waited expectantly for our number to be called and were giddily excited when the feminized computer voice announced “Now serrving, W370.”

Funnily enough, the person at the counter did not want her picture taken as she was filling out our marriage license application. Michelle did a great job finding angles that captured us filling out the forms without showing the camera-shy desk jockey. J was gallant enough to allow me to be Party A and J would be Party B. When the forms were completed, we were instructed to wait for the Commissioner to come and perform the marriage ceremony.

After more pictures were taken, the judge came and called us up. As all of us were already in a giddy mood, our spirits were lightened even more at the sight of this stately, Janet Reno-esque woman with a deep voice in a judge’s robe and stole. She was the perfect mix of dignity and fun (especially when we saw that she was wearing purple socks and black shoes under her robe).

We rode the elevator to the wedding room and were surprised again by the simple beauty of the room. Two walls had floor to ceiling windows, filling the room with sunlight. At the center of the room was an intricately carved wooden podium. Facing the podium were two wedding ring quilts hung at an angle to each other. There were rows of benches for all of our friends and family.

The Commissioner beckoned us to stand in front of the podium and asked us about how long we were together. We answered that we had been together for close to ten years and had been married in a Quaker ceremony in 2003. It was nice to hear her approving chuckle. Then she asked everyone to be seated.

Here’s the thing, we totally expected for the ceremony to be, well, governmental – official and perfunctory. We already had our wedding. We just wanted the state of California to recognize it. But once we walked to face the Commissioner at the podium, I had this sense of happiness that made me feel light as air. There was this wide smile on my face and I looked at both J and the person marrying us. Maybe it’s because we already had a wedding with all the bells and whistles that we could look at each other with pure happiness.

The Commissioner took the ceremony seriously and said all of the things that you say in a wedding – “Do you T, take J to be your lawfully wedding spouse, to have and to hold, to honor and cherish all the days of your lives?” My voice rang clear and loud, “I do.” She asked, the same of J whose voice came loud and strong. She then asked us to join hands and repeat the vows of having and hold and loving and cherishing. I repeated them and added that this was the second time I was committing to share my life with J. J echoed the sentiment, saying that he was taking me to be his spouse, for the second time. Using the ring that J wore since our wedding and the ring I ordered to replace the one I lost, the Commissioner blessed the rings as a symbol of our everlasting commitment to each other. Finally, she said those important words, “By the power vested in me as Commissioner, I now pronounce you married under the law in the state of California.”

We waited for the administrator to print out our official marriage certificate and laughed about how easy it all felt. J and I got a big kick out of showing off the certificate and asked everyone to take a picture of us holding on to it like a diploma.

After the ceremony, Bellisima and West Coast Rebecca went to explore Jack London Square while our respective families retired to our apartment for drinks and dumplings. For dinner, we all went to Maritime East and were joined by June and Muffin who were delighted to hear the details of the wedding. We love Maritime East, a restaurant we’ve gone to with reliably excellent food and service. We had enough food to fill our bellies several times over. At dinner, my Mom made a wonderful toast about how proud she was of us and how happy she was to see us settled and married. In the middle of dinner, J and I made toasts recognizing how much we love and appreciate our friends and family.

At dinner, J turned to me and said, “I am embarrassed to say this but during the ceremony, I wanted to quote Oprah Winfrey from the Color Purple and say, ‘I IS MARRIED NOW.” This was a powerful affirmation of the strength of our relationship as I was thinking that the entire ceremony. I then relayed this to the lesbian foresome and Muffin then exclaimed her deep and abiding love for the Color Purple and laughed heartily at our shared “I IS MARRIED NOW” thoughts.

This was different, no huge guest list, no big catered dinner. But somehow, it was special and important just the same. I am deeply grateful to have such a wonderful person to spend the rest of my life with. I am just as grateful to be surrounded by friends and family who love us and support our union unconditionally. For ten years of our being together we’ve been blessed with a healthy relationship and loving friends and family. After ten years we get to live in a state and honors and respects the life we’ve created. Thank you California!

Someone else's same gender wedding

2008-08-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

So Scotte at EatWithMe has been my blog buddy since the early days of the dc blog. Over the years J and I have become in person friends with Scott and his partner Jason at Dancerindc. I am in deep awe of them, especially when I came for their Thanksgiving dinner and they seamlessly served a full dinner along with a pre-dinner tasting menu. Given their excellent taste, I wanted to share their wisdom in having a same gender wedding.

So how did you two decided on having a wedding? I assume that like most of us, you were probably living together and knew you were in it for the long haul well before you decided to get hitched?

We were living together and had just entered our fourth year together. We decided one night, February 2004, when the President held a press conference to give the world his opinion on the whole gay marriage issue. We felt like we had been slapped in the face. It's not like we were expecting the President to welcome gay marriage with open arms, but to hold a press conference denouncing it as evil and the workings of Satan seemed a bit much. I guess Jason and I looked at each other and had this look of 'well, I guess we should do something about this.' So we officially considered ourselves engaged and over the next few days started letting friends know.

What was it like being two men getting engaged and having a wedding? How did your friends and family react? Were their any surprises?

Our friends couldn't have been more excited. Perhaps even more excited than we were. A few friends made gifts to the Human Rights Campaign in our honor. We received cards and well wishes from everyone. For our families we had to tread a little more carefully. For my mother, I had to make sure she understood what we were doing; getting married, but without any legal rights and responsibilities. I had only come out to her a few years earlier, so having a gay son was a little new to her. She was very excited and happy to join us for the special day. But she was the only representation from my family. I know one of my aunts wanted to come, but her ex-husband refused to let her go! Funny how an ex-husband had that kind of control, but he threatened in some way and with kids in the mix, she didn't push it. I guess he thought she'd catch the gay and bring it back to the kids? Another aunt wanted to come, but scheduling wouldn't permit. There are many other family members who don't know, even today, as I'm not out to them (mother's request, which I've honored, long story for another day.)

Jason also had to tread lightly with his parents, both of whom are more religious and had been cautious towards our relationship. His mother joined us, as did several of his aunts and uncles. His father and brother didn't attend. That being said, they have really come a long way over the years in accpeting us as a couple. It's really very amazing to see family members transform when they need to own up and accept that their children may not be what the parents originally wanted, but they are their children and come to realize they must love them, gay sparkles and all.

What was the tone of your wedding? Whimsical? Elegant? Elegantly whimsical? What kind of things did you want to highlight in your wedding?

We really didn't have a theme or tone. At this point in our lives we were completely broke. We had no money and there wasn't much financial support from our families for this, so we had to cover almost all expenses ourselves. We also didn't want to add any addition debt, so the whole event needed to be paid for out of what we could save for the next several months and what we were willing to part with from our savings!

So, what we wanted to highlight at our wedding was our relationship and our friends. We used our friends for all aspects of the wedding. DJ-friends, Photographer-friends, Participants-friends...all the roles that needed to be filled were filled by friends and it made it all the more perfect.

Instead of a bunch of flowers, our friend just offered to make boutonnieres for the wedding participants, and a simple centerpiece arrangement. We brought from a wholesaler what he had left for the week, which made it all very inexpensive.

Ok. Let's talk details. Where did you have it? How many people did you invite? What was the ceremony like? Did you use an officiant?

Back to the money issue, we couldn't go hog wild. So we used a lovely space at the Human Rights Campaign headquarters here in DC. We were the second same-sex wedding in the space. There was a lesbian wedding before us. The whole party was in the one place...and it worked really well. We set up the ceremony space in one portion. Dance floor in another and bar/reception space in the last part of the space. I loved it.

I think we invited about 60-70 people, hoping to have 50 people. Which is exactly what we ended up with. There were many people we wanted to invite, but due to budget and space, we had to narrow the list down. It hurt knowing we had to cut out certain people, but I believe they understood our situation.

The ceremony was brief. And full of friends. We had one friend serve as our MC. He asked if he could marry us and he'd be willing to be ordained. As that wasn't important to us, we skipped that part. We had 6 other participants. Each one did a reading in some way. A reading from the Book of Ruth, from Plato's Symposium, an Apache prayer, a portion of a poem by Kahil Gilbran. And of course, this being a gay wedding, a song from a musical...”Somewhere” from West Side Story. Our participants came from all corners of our lives. Our old lesbian landlady whom we loved dearly. Former roommates. Best friends. Our mothers escorted us into the ceremony, followed by the participants.

We each wrote our own vows. Jason did his months in advance and they were silly, perfect and absolutely wonderful. Mine were written about an hour before and I cried like a baby, so no one heard them anyway. After all the smooching, “For Once In My Life” played and we ran out of the room for a two minute breather. Then we came back in, with another song introducing us as a couple.

We did the rounds saying hi, hello, love you, you look great, etc. Then we danced our first dance to Rosemary Clooney's “I've Grown Accustomed to His Face.” Then we danced with our moms to “My Girl” and then kicked off the party with a little Prince and “Let's Go Crazy.” Good times.

What was the most memorable part of the day?

There are two parts of the event that stick out most in my mind. Jason coming from a background in dance, has a lot of friends who are dancers...there was a dance off in the middle of the party. A room full of sexy women strutting and dancing in high heels. It was remarkable.

And during the toasts. We asked two friends to give toasts. We listened intently and smiled and loved the very kind words from both friends. Then they start quoting someone, who was "Scott & Jason's favorite author." Well who the heck is that? There are these great words about finding love and friends and happiness and all that. She was quoting Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City...we were on the floor in tears, laughing. Brilliant.

Of course we can't do this without talking food. How was the reception? What did you serve?

I think the food was a surprise and everyone really enjoyed it. I went to my favorite deli I'd frequent during the work week and asked if they could cater a reception. Cheese and crackers and deli meats for sandwiches and a variety of antipasta nibbles. They did enough food for 50 people, PLUS! for under $300. The guests seemed to enjoy because it was thereto just snack and eat as the evening went on. No one was left without anything to eat (except me!) and there was no pretention of fancy-schmancy. Yes, I like to consider myself an amatuer gourmand, but I was NOT going to be cooking the day of our wedding, but also, I'm a little low-brow as well. So the food represented us well and filled peoples’ bellies. We also made it clear on the invitation that the reception would have light fare, so they could plan to get a full meal before hand if they wished.

Dessert. Had to have dessert. Instead of a cake I did make the day before, about 9 pans of Rice Krispy Squares. I made regular ones. Cocoa Krispy ones and even some Fruity Pebble squares. This was a lot of fun and a good surprise for our guests. There were also bowls of chocolate kisses around the room. Not a single person asked where the cake was.

Finally, any advice you'd give to another gay couple having a wedding?

We're approaching our 10th anniversary of being together, 5th anniversary of being happily wedded. What we remember is having a great time with our friends and family. And we did it without breaking the bank. When all was said and done, I think our budget MAXED out around $2,500. This included Jason getting a tuxedo! Don't fret about making the event about how much money you have to spend to impress your guests. Make the event about being lovey-dovey and having the best time you can imagine. Use the resources around you, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Oh, and ask your friends to volunteer their talents. I worried that asking our friends would make them feel ‘put out.’ Like they couldn’t come and just enjoy the evening; they’d have to ‘work.’ Well, they were honored to give of themselves and be a part of a very special evening, celebrating our relationship and we’re so very grateful.

More Same Gender Wedding with a Little bit of Olympics

2008-08-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Before we start. I so don't heart Jenn Stuczknski's coach who decided to berate her right after she WON the silver medal, coming in second to a fabulous Russian Olympic champ and world record holder.

Here's what he said (while playing with his blackberry):

It’s the same old same old, you’re losing takeoff at the big heights. (shrug) Whaddaya gonna do? (shrug, looks away) Gotta learn to keep takeoff. You got caught at that meat grinder. I did not - and I told 10 people - I didn’t wanna be caught in a meat grinder between 65 and 80. You had to, though. You weren’t on, your warmup didn’t go well. You were at 55. You got caught up in that meat grinder. Whaddaya gonna do? (shrugs, looks away) Whaddaya gonna do? (shrugs, looks away) Didn’t have the legs. Her legs are fresh. Hey, it’s a silver medal. Not bad for someone that’s been pole vaulting for four years. (looks down at his blackberry)

Whoah. Not even the Karolyis would be that brash. Dude, your athlete just WON a silver. You, yourself, acknowledge that she's only doing this for four years. Do you think berating her IN FRONT OF A ZILLION EYES ON TV, immediately after the competition is useful? Ok. Breathe.

As this is the second ceremony joining us in (not so) holy matrimony, I've been thinking about what a gift it is to have a same-gender wedding. Let's face it, when society (and the law) doesn't support your relationship, you're already breaking the rules. That gives you a lot more license to break or ignore a whole other sets of rules. Because we are a same-gender couple here's a list of things we just didn't care about:

1. The Wedding Party - Thank god for that bad Patrick Dempsey movie "Made of Honor." All of the publicity for that movie had "bridesmen" come out of the woodwork. All of the sudden there were all of these articles on how awesome it is to have someone of the opposite gender a part of your side of the wedding party. Originally, I was going to have both Lord and Lady Lancaster stand up with me since I was a groomsman at their wedding. When Lord Lancaster couldn't be at the wedding, Rootbeer and Pauline (who were already doing so much to put the wedding together) stood up with me along with Lady Lancaster. On J's side, he had two childhood friends and his brother stand up with him. There was no, questions about the prepoderance of folks of the female persuasion in our wedding party and noone was saying we needed to include so and so.

2. Walking Down the Aisle - J and I walked ourselves down the aisle hand in hand. We'd lived together for two years by that point. We were giving up our old life or changing our lives in any material way. The only difference is that our community of faith and our community of friends and family formally recognized us as a couple.

3. Our names - We kept them. End of story. Noone was going to give us any shit for it.

4. The guest list - What's interesting is that we had the opposite problem of figuring out who to invite. I had to check with my relatives about inviting people who were more peripheral in my family's life who may not know that I am out. It was heartwarming to hear from relatives who were saying "you CAN invite great uncle so and so and his five children."

5. The Whole Wedding - Our families were remarkably opinion free about our wedding. The fact that societally, we were making this up as we went along, meant that our families offered us a lot of support but few opinions. There was not a peppe of "this is how you should do it" from any side of our families.

Yes oppression sucks but as someone once said, "the mainstream is slow moving, it's the tributaties where all the fun is."

Same Gender Weddings Rock!

2008-08-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

Wasn't this a wedding blog? As a little aside, I totally heart Dara Torres. She's older than me and still winning medals. She's classy as all get out. Case in point - she has the piece of mind to ask the official to delay the start of her semifinal heat because a fellow competitor tore her swimsuit.

Anyway, in a week and a half, J and I are having what we call our Civilizing Ceremony. We considered this our Civil Union because we were married five and a half years ago. Next Friday, J and I, in the company of some of our immediate family and a few close California friends, will be having our marriage recognized by the state of California. We will have our Civil Union ceremony at the Alameda County Clerk and Recorder's office near where we live. Afterwards, our small party of 12 will be going to Maritime East for a celebratory dinner. There's no caterers, no band, no readings. just us, our family and a few friends and the state of California, recognizing what our large community of friends, co-workers, and extended family affirmed on January 18, 2003.

Off Topic - I Heart, well, lots of Olympians

2008-08-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ok. I am so sick of Michael Phelps. Not Michael Phelps the person who I am sure is awesome but Michael Phelps the 24-hours coverage. But the rest of the Olympics, crazy amounts of love.

1. I heart Roger Federer. I adore the fact that he has the crappiest year, a horrible singles tournament, but he rocks the doubles and wins a gold! Not only that, his victory celebration with partner Stanislaus Warwinka, it a totally hilarious cavalcade of male bonding. Seriously, what was that thing that he did when his partners was played out on the ground? So funny!

2. All the shotputters - On the empowerment level, I love that big, hefty people get to show that they are athletic. Preach it boys, health has less to do about weight and more about to do with being athletic. On the eye candy level - MMMMMMM. I like my guys with some meat on their bones.

3. The fans of the men's doubles final - Hee. I love that they are shouting and doing the waves as if they were at a soccer match. Now THIS is an international competition.

4. That bronze medal winner of the 5,000 meter race - Ok. I totally have a soft spot for the non-gold medalists who are delighted by their non-gold medal. She ran her heart out and she totally acted as if she won eight golds.

5. I do NOT heart NBC and its sister channels who refuse to show any doubles tennis. Come on folks, THE WILLIAMS SISTERS are playing. ROGER FEDERER is playing!!!!

6. Ok. I still heart Shawn Johnson. She's delightful and she's so classy and happy to get a silver.

Off Topic - I heart Shawn Johnson

2008-08-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

THANK GOD the women all turned in good to amazing performances. Unlike the men's all around where folks were falling down left and right, the women stayed upright and dazzled. I feel sorry for the poor Chinese who are being berating by their WHOLE COUNTRY for not getting another gold.

Considering Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin talked about going 1-2, I never thought it would happen. I always thought it would be the lovely Shawn Johnson on top. With her grace both on and off the floor, she is the Michelle Kwan of gymnastics. She comes into the Olympics with expectations out the wazzoo, gets second and is a total class act about it. And in fact, commits herself to 2012.

Here's the thing, she WON THE SILVER. She didn't get the medal because people splatted all around her and she won by default. Everyone turned in solid performances. She was great in all of her events. She ADDED a skill on her floor to get more points. Nastia was just a hair better.

There's seriously nothing for Shawn to be ashamed about. It makes me all the happier that she's NOT COACHED BY HER DAD.

Off Topic - I Heart USA Gymnastics

2008-08-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

Have you all been watching the Olympics? Why the hell are they putting gymnastics on at 11:00 pm? That's ridiculous!

That being said, I totally stayed up until all hours to watch my second favorite Olympic sport (figure skating being my fav). I was rewarded by a good amount of sportpersonship.

First, I totally have no problem with the Chinese winning. In fact, I was rooting for them. After reading story after story on the Karolyis, I don't think the Chinese machine is any more brutal, just more structured. I find it hilarious that Tim Dagget and Elfie Schlegel are making snide remarks about the Chinese Olympic team and how they get plucked at age three to have a life dedicated to gymnastics. Mind you, I don't think that's humane at all and I have huge amounts of worry about what happens after these girls stop competing (which is where the U.S. system is infinitely superior in terms of supporting the gymnast as a PERSON). But then the commentators are all bitchy about the decline in Romanian gymnastics and the fact that the Romanians are no longer subjected to soul-destroying brutalizing training regimens. I nearly keeled over when Tim noted that one Romanian actually got to text her friends during training. BAD gymnasts! Who told you that you get to have a life?

Anyway, I am really proud of the USA gymanstics teams. First for the men who blew the pommel horse and were still immensely happy with the bronze. I loved their reaction and how happy and releived they were to be standing on the medal podium. While the women weren't at all happy about their silver, I was moved by the solidarity they showed to Alicia Sacramone. It was touching to see everyone hugging her and trying to console her. I hope she gets a medal in the vault to take away some of the sting of her bad performances. But nonetheless, I like that our gymnasts seem to be good people along with being good athletes.

The Rehearsal

2008-08-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'll start off the bat by saying, PLEASE HAVE A REHEARSAL! PLEASE! I know you think thing will run themselves but really you need a rehearsal. Of course I am preaching to the choir because all of you are smart, organized people but if some clueless person happens by, HAVE A REHEARSAL!

Even if everyone involved knows the program backwards and forwards, a rehearsal is helpful because:

1. You never know how the timing will go until you actually run through things. It's hard to account for things like how long it will take for someone to stand up to give their speech or clear their throat.

2. Not everyone is a public speaker. Giving someone a test run will boost their confidence.

3. You never know with acoustics. If you are un-mic'ed, you will need to see how far your voice will carry. If you are miced, you will have to futz with the sound system to make sure there isn't feedback.

4. What you envision in your head may not work out in the space. Sometimes the space in the front is configured weirdly. Sometimes you need to move people in the wedding party around. Sometimes the table with the unity candle is too big. Either way, you need to make sure everything fits.

How do you run a rehearsal? I always start with the placement. Place the wedding party first. Where are people standing? For people who are doing readings, where will they sit so that they will have easy access to the front of the room. Where's the objects necessary for the ceremony? How will you get them to where they need to go? Then next step after the placement is the processional. Once everyone is placed, practice how they will get there. Line everyone up and have them walk to their respective places. Then practice the recessional. It's good to do the processional and recessional practice twice so everyone is comfortable walking on and off. The last part of the rehearsal is the actual running through the program. This can be done quickly with the officiant just going over the order of the program and having the people responsible for each section identify themselves. If people are nervous, you should have them read. Even if they are not reading their actual speech have them do the pledge of allegiance to get them comfortable speaking.

The true goal of the rehearsal is to make sure everyone is comfortable with what will happen. One the day of the wedding things will change and not go according to plan. And often those are the things you remember fondly. Hopefully the rehearsal will allow you to be open to all of the fun spontaneous things and not obsess about the things that are supposed to happen.

Witnessing History

2008-08-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

On the first day same-gender marriages were performed, I completely forgot about the whole shebang. After work, I passed by Oakland's City Hall and saw about eight or nine camera crews and a bunch of photographers. I wondered what was going on and I saw a few people with PFLAG buttons and bags of rice and flower petals. One of them told me that 18 same-gender couples would be married at City Hall that evening. Initially, I was just going to wait outside and throw flower petals at the couples leaving but then, on the the PFLAGers told me that you could watch the ceremony from the galleries. Being a big ol' wedding freak, I was SOOOOO there.

The atmosphere in the room was like a big party. An eclectic mix of love songs was coming out of the loudspeaker and friends, family, and well wishers thronged the city council room. We waited for two hours, or as I remember it, "I'm Coming Out" being played three times on the music loop. Every so often, a city official would come and say, "the couples are signing their forms. They'll be here soon and we can start."

Finally, Mayor Ron Dellums, his wife Cynthia, Congresswoman Barbara Lee, and some Chinese city councilperson came in. All of the folks got big cheers but particularly Congresswoman Lee (the lone person to vote against the use of force following the Sept. 11 attacks) who was treated like a rock star. I was immensely impressed with all of the officials. They were there to witness and officiate, no long speeches, no pontificating. In fact, the only thing Congresswoman Lee did was sign marriage certificates and hug people. Good on you! I was moved by Mayor Dellums opening words, "what led up to this point was hard. Today is easy because THE LAW IS ON OUR SIDE!" This was history and everyone recognized it and cheered as if history was being made and it was.

What made this special was all of the people there to support the couples. Family, friends, random people like me who wanted to see history made. I was sitting next to a straight couple who shared a nanny with the first couple to take their vows. Behind me was the extended family of a Chinese lesbian couple that includes siblings, parents, spouses of siblings, and nieces and nephews.

Surprisingly, everyone around me was very optimistic that the ballot initiative to overturn the Supreme Court decision would go our way. When I asked them why they thought so, they replied, "the world is moving on." It made me think of all of you and the love and support we've gotten from our awesome friends. Is the world turning more like the coolio people who've become our friends? The polls about the ballot initiative seem to be affirming the optimism of my seatmates. It appears 51% of Californians polled oppose changing our state Constitution.

When the 18 couples filed in and took their seats the roar of the crowd was electric. There was a buzz of anticipation when the first couple was called to the front. Their 20 month son insisted on opening the gate to the council chamber. They took their vows to love each other and be faithful. Mayor Dellum beamed when he said "By the authority given to me as the Mayor of Oakland, I now pronounce you married by the laws of the state of California." All of our hearts swelled at that moment and the biggest cheer was let out at the first same-gender couple legally married in Oakland. At that point, I called Jonathan and told him to come to City Hall after he was done with work. A half an hour later, he was there holding my hand and witnessing couple after couple come up and take their vows in front of two of the staunchest civil rights leaders of our time, and some Chinese City Councilmember. :) Everyone said their "I do's" differently. Some said a simple "yes," others said "ABSOLUTELY!" others said "yes, just like I did in 2004."

The couples who got married were the most diverse group I've ever seen. Interracial couples of all ethnicities. Older couples. Male, Female. Couples with kids. Couples with big families surrounding them. A native American couple gave Mayor Dellums a sage nosegay for his support. Yes we are in the Bay area. I was caught up in the euphoria of the moment but then a couple with an Asian man and a white man and their three Latino children came up. Jonathan whispered in my ear, "They'll never take those kids away from that couple." And I totally lost it. It didn't help that the kids started crying from happiness when Mayor Dellums pronounced them married. Seriously, I didn't cry this much at my own wedding.

The crowd gave its last cheer when the finally couple took their vows and then chaos. Mayor Dellums, like a father at a wedding, asked all the couples to gather on the steps of city hall for a picture. Families were hugging and laughing, and crying. In the marble foyer, there was cake and champagne for the happy couples. J and I left after the ceremony and headed home to our apartment four blocks away.

Off Topic - I am a liberal

2008-07-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

So yeah, a man with a whole host of grudges decides to unleash it on a community of faith that decided to let the world know how open its heart actually was. I hope if anything comes out of this whole tragedy, it's that those of us whole believe in racial justice, rights for people of all genders and sexual orientations, and the ending of oppression can step forward and say we are liberals. It is the liberal tradition and liberal movements that created the weekend, access to birth control, and heck, even Gossip Girl (because we liberals value the inner lives of young people).

Somehow those very things made the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalists a target. This shooter is unemployed and loses his food stamps and BLAMES THE LIBERALS AND GAYS. This is a church that helps the needy, hosts a coffeehouse for queer youth, and put on a youth production of Annie. On top of that, they decided to put up a sign saying they were welcome to queer people. Where this hits home to be is that in my East Coast and West Coast bubbles of liberals, people like the members of TVUUC are people I eat with, play with, sing with, work with, and pray with. Having loving and open hearts shouldn't put a target on your back. For that matter performing a medial procedure (ABORTIONS!) shouldn't either.

My heart breaks that Greg McKendry, a foster father to a trans teen, was killed. My heart breaks that Annie won't be just a cheesy musical from the 80s but a symbol of what dangerous times we live in. So here I am sitting in Oakland, saying I'm a liberal. It's easy over here. But when I go back to Texas to visit my wonderful in-laws or drive across the country, I always know it's an act of courage to put your heart and your values on your sleeve.

For a powerful firsthand account of the day please read bekitty's post.

For a great analysis about language of hatred on the far right please go to ornicus.

If you can, please give to the UU Knoxville fund.

My guy's take is here.

We get by with a little help from our friends

2008-07-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Unless you are rich enough to have a platinum wedding, your friends will be helping out with the wedding. Friends play a variety of roles from the obvious (the people actually standing up with you at the altar) to the behind-the-scenes (helping design the program). In Texas, they have this thing called a house party. A house party is the catchall designation for the folks helping with the wedding but not in the actual wedding party. While there’s no hip hop music involved, the house party is responsible for things like decorating the bridal suite.

For us non-Texans, we need to be conscious about the care and feeding of folks helping out at our wedding. The key here is to make sure that your friends get to be guests at your wedding. This is all about good planning and good communication. Not to be all Martha about it but good planning means everyone gets to enjoy the wedding.

Our wedding was fairly do-it-yourself. We had two dear friends serve as coordinators, along with a paid catering staff to set up wit the food, serve, and clean up. For the sake of your and your loved ones’ sanity, please hire people for those tasks. The only time I’ve seen it work out is because one of the groomsmen managed a restaurant. Clean up is especially exhausting since it’s at the end when everyone has been partying in dress shoes. For the sake of their feet, don’t leave that part up to your friends.

At our wedding our friends did a lot. That included:

(Before the wedding)
- Putting together invitations
- Coordinating the decorations which included a zillion miles of strings of lights and tulle
- Proofreading documents
- Picking up the beverages

(During the wedding)
- Setting up the tables and centerpieces
- Setting up the decorations
- Serving as ushers and passing out the programs

Even with all of that work, we made sure noone was working during the actual ceremony and the bulk of the work during the reception was done by the catering staff. We were lucky, lucky, lucky to have two people be able to provide input and editing on all of our decisions throughout the entire process.

When friends are involved make sure their tasks are defined and discrete. Rather than asking them to help with setting up, you should ask them for a specific task related to setting up. Be clear about what the need to do, give them everything necessary to do it, and make sure the task has a time frame. For any volunteer, the more information, the better. It’s good for anyone helping to know how the day would go.
When we had our friends usher, we obviously gave them programs to pass out but we also made sure they had out minute-by-minute timeline, a list of people with specific seating needs, and the low down on both of the families. I have an uncle who loves his cologne and J and his father both have a sensitivity to strong scents so he needed to be sat in the back. Once the ceremony began, their job was over and they could be part of the ceremony.

Finally, please recognize your friends for the work they are doing for you. Not everyone will be wearing a corsage or carrying a bouquet but most likely there are quite a few people doing little things to make the day go well. Put them in the programs, give them special gifts, and thank them publicly. Being a part of any wedding should be an honor and a chore.

Hiring a Wedding Coordinator

2008-07-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

A few years back my friend Writer girl got married to Politicsboy. We had a blast at the wedding. It was a comfortable, well run affair where people danced, had fun, and sniffled. While she is surrounded by many type-A personalities, she spared us and hired a wedding planner to run the wedding. As the only person I know who had a paid wedding planner, I wanted to give you, my readers, some of her wisdom about hiring and using a wedding planner.

Why did you decide to use a wedding planner? What was the value added for having someone you pay for running your wedding?
--I decided to use a wedding planner because I really thought I needed professional help! The thought of planning a wedding was overwhelming to me, and I wanted someone to point me in the right direction.

So what did your wedding planner do?
--I initially planned to pay the wedding planner just for the day-of wedding coordination. But after I talked to her and realized how many resources she had, I decided to hire her for a few specific tasks, like choosing a caterer.

How did you find this person? If someone was going to choose a professional wedding planner, what should they look for?
--I got the name of the wedding planner (Sara Bauleke, http://www.bellanottedc.com/index.html) from a friend of mine who had gotten married the year before. I think the most important thing for me was to find someone who I respected and who I felt had priorities and tastes similar to mine. I didn't want to feel pushed into making choices I might regret because of a wedding planner who had a different vision than I did of what a wedding should look like.

So your wedding planner was a day of person as opposed to doing the legwork and planning throughout the process. How did that work and how did you make sure she got everything she needed to run the wedding?
--Sara was very organized and she had a form for me to fill out with all the information she needed to run the weddding. She required that I fill out the form several weeks in advance so that she could prepare. At the rehearsal, I gave her all the supplies (kippot, kiddish cups, etc) that we would need at the wedding so that she could be responsible for them on the day of the wedding.

For you, what do you think is the highlight of your and Politicsboy wedding? Were you able to be a guest at your own wedding (the ultimate test of an effective wedding planner)?
--I think the highlight of the wedding for me was the dancing! I didn't exactly feel like a guest at our wedding because I was so nervous, but that's more about my personality than anything having to do with wedding planning. I'm sure that I would have been ten times more nervous if Sara hadn't been there to make sure everything went smoothly.

Do it yourself officiating

2008-07-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

A few years back our friends Ron and Shyin' got married. Being two people who were fairly indifferent to organized religion, it was either justice of the peace or find a friend to officiate. They asked our friend Pauline to do it and a few clicks of a mouse later, she's ordained. Still, having a person officiating your wedding who's a friend presents a whole new set of things to think about. So for you, my readers, I wanted Pauline to talk a bit about being an officiant.

So how was your experience officiating a wedding? Fun? Nerve wracking?
- It was both of those things. I was very excited and flattered when Ron and Shyin' asked me to officiate for them. It was so funny to walk around my office and show everyone my "certificate of ordination". We had a lot of fun planning the ceremony. But the actual deed was more nerve wracking that I had anticipated. I don't have a lot of public speaking experience and I hadn't totally thought through what it was going to be like to stand up in front of 150 people and speak. Next time I will wear a longer skirt so no one can see my knees quaking--like I-thought-I-might-fall-down quaking.

How hard was it to become an officiant? What hoops did you have to jump through? In particular, did you have to register with the state or anything?
- It was not hard at all--except for maybe the evil looks from the county clerk. Shyin' had very thoroughly researched what to do and I did what she told me. In my case, I went to the Universal Life Church website and signed up. Then later I requested a letter of good standing from them and took that to the county courthouse. I showed them my paperwork (the clerk snorted), I filled out a form, they made me a card and now I am a card-carrying officiant who can perform marriages anywhere in Virginia.

What role did you have in setting the tone of the ceremony? Did you have a lot of input on how the ceremony would go?
- I had a big role in setting the tone of the ceremony. It was important to me take my role seriously, but I also wanted to make it light hearted and personal to Ron and Shyin'. I actually thought that I was going to write the ceremony, but then Shyin' handed me a script (two control freaks at work, she just doesn't procrastinate). I did not like her script. It was some nice quotes and vows that she had cobbled together out of a book of vows and it was very pretty, but I felt it was way to dry. If you are being married by a friend, who got on-line ordained to do it, then this is not a completely serious ceremony. But meanwhile, and partially as a reflection of my religious upbringing, I wanted to bring a sense of solemnity to the ceremony. So I worked with Shyin', and then Ron, to find the funny/solemn balance.

The one and only wedding that I went to in my church growing up, they did this charge to the congregation to support the marriage (United Methodists - they do the same with baptisms). Quakers do something similar, where you are officially married by congregation--the witnesses present--and not just by the officiant of record. Since they asked me, a friend, to marry them, I felt like Shyin' and Ron were being married by their friends and community and I wanted to reflect that in the ceremony.

At the same time I also wanted to tell their story. Ron would not have been my first choice for Shyin' when I met him, and I asked her pretty early on, "like how did this happen?" I remembered that she told me then they they loved baseball and very first connected, both physically and emotionally, while taking baseball. So I asked to bring that story into the ceremony and get some humor from that. Shyin' was a little dubious at first, but I brought her around.

What things did you need from the wedding couple? They gave you a script and I remember the whiskey-laced rehearsal that we had at M's beach house. Anything else that you needed?
- Well, I needed baseball statistics since I am not a baseball fan.

Shyin' chose all the elements of the ceremony, like the unity candle and the signing of the certificate and the readings. Those were all included in the original script. Obviously, I need their buy-in to the two parts that I wanted to add, opening with their story and the charge to the congregation. That was one of the main reasons we did the rehearsal at the beach. We were mostly clear on what we were going to do, but they really needed to hear it in order to believe that it was going to work and not be offensive or off-putting. Also, I hadn't quite worked out how I was going to phrase my talk about community in the ceremony. I knew what I wanted to say, but hadn't quite figured out how to phrase it for a non-religious (mostly) audience.

I asked Shyin' to sign off on my dress, since I was standing with the wedding party, but that was really all I needed from them.

I know that the you were a hit as an officiant. What do you think are the qualities of a good officiant? Does all it take is a certificate from the Church of the Back-of-the-Rolling-Stone-Magazine?
- People were so kind to me about the ceremony. People were very effusive with their compliments and I was very touched. At work, my boss always says that good introduction really raises the speaker up--almost puts them on a pedestal so that you are excited to hear what they have to say. I think the same is true of an officiant. A good officiant should raise-up the love story of the couple so that you are excited to be a part of their commitment and to support it. My success officiating for Shyin' and Ron is probably rather unique--I know their whole story, and was little bit of a doubter and a little bit of a convert--so I could bring everyone along with me on the journey of their ceremony. Someone at the reception sort of jokingly asked me to officiate for them, and I thought, I don't think I could do as well for them. I just didn't know them as well.

I heart my Quaker wedding

2008-07-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

So as you all know J and I got married in a Quaker ceremony. The Religious Society of Friends, the formal name for the Quakers, has been my spiritual home since I was in my 20s. They have no dogma or creed save that there is the spirit in everyone and because of that they require a commitment to nonviolence. Surprisingly, I never get bored of the sacred Quaker silence. It's how I feel close to the divine. On top of that, this is a community of faith with a commitment to social justice and peace.

Having spent my 20s as an attender of the Friends Meeting of Washington and an active attender at that, I knew this was the place I would get married. The Friends Meeting of Washington has a special welcome to Lesbians and Gays and withstood a hard discussion on whether to bless same gender commitments. A few years after that, the marriage ceremony was opened up to same gender couples and the commitment ceremonies were opened up to straight couples. This comes from a long line of marriage equality. The first Quaker marriages were considered illegal because Quakers believe that everyone is connected to the divine and therefore, a priest or any other intermediary is unnecessary. Quakers were also among the first communities of faith to bless interracial weddings. It is a special gift to know that my spiritual home has such a rich history of marriage equality.

The Quaker wedding process starts with the couple asking the Committee for Marriage and Family to form a Clearness Committee to discuss the marriage. The Clearness Committee is composed of members of the Meeting. Ours had a middle aged straight woman with college aged children, a Japanese American lesbian in an interracial relationship, and the tallest guy I had ever encountered. We called him the jolly Quaker giant and he was an artist and art teacher. The couple write a letter aobut their relationship and why they want ot be married under the care of the Meeting. The Clearness Committee meets in the months leading up to the wedding to ask the couple about their commitment to each other. Among the questions we were asked in the Quaker process was how we felt about having children, how we resolved conflict, and how compatible were our values.

If the Clearness Committee supports the marriage, they make a recommendation to the Monthly Meeting to place the marriage under the care of the meeting. The couple comes to the Monthly Meeting for Business and is presented by their Clearness Committee where their letter is read to the meeting. The meeting waits a month to make sure we are all comfortable with the marriage and if we are, the marriage is placed under the care of the meeting.

Once the date is set the couple makes a donation to the meeting so that a friendly office presence will be there to open and lock up. We were particularly blessed with our Clearness Committee because the Jolly Quaker Giant offered to make our marriage certificate. THe marriage certificate is important because the first "illegal" Quaker marriage were recognized because the certificates had signatures of everyone present at the wedding. It served as an official affadavit that the couple was indeed married. The Friends Meeting of Washington submitted the Marriage Certificates of same gender couples to the District of Columbia as proof the Meeting considered these couples married. Our marriage certificate had a oak tree and acorn to represent J's side of our family and a bamboo branch and shoot to represent my side.

Here's what is in the Friend's handbook about weddings:

From its beginning, the Religious Society of Friends has stressed the conviction that marriage is a binding relationship entered into in the presence of God and of witnessing Friends. Before this public commitment is made on the day of the wedding, the proposed marriage must have received the approval of the monthly meeting, given after careful consideration by an appointed committee.

The wedding itself is a meeting for worship, held after the manner of Friends, within which the marriage takes place. The wedding couple enter the meeting and take their places at the front of the room. In giving themselves to each other, they eliminate the custom of the bride being given away by her father. No third person pronounces them married because Friends believe that God alone can create such a union and give it significance. Neither a wedding party nor an exchange of rings is necessary to Friends' procedure, although both have become customary today.

In an atmosphere of quiet and reverence during the period of worship, the couple rise. Taking each other by the hand, they make their promises, using the following or similar words:

"In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee ... to be my spouse, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful spouse so long as we both shall live."

When the couple is seated again, the marriage certificate is brought for them to sign. Then someone who has previously been selected to do so reads the certificate aloud. This is done with dignity and care in order to contribute to the atmosphere of worship. The meeting then continues in silent waiting upon God while those assembled share in the worship through prayer and meditation or through spoken messages.

The person chosen to close the meeting may, if desired, provide an opportunity for the bridal party to withdraw. Those present are asked to sign the certificate as witnesses to the marriage. A copy of the certificate is made for the records of the monthly meeting in whose care the marriage has taken place, and the legal requirements are completed by a committee appointed by that Meeting.

Many Quaker marriage certificates, handed down from generation to generation, have proved to be valuable historical records. Today, as well, the certificate becomes a cherished possession in the new home, recalling the reverent attitude of worship with which the marriage began and the company of loving friends who took part in it.

Before we entered the ceremony, our Clearness Committee brought us into a room to have a moment of Quaker silence. We then walked, hand in hand, with our Clearness Committee ahead of us, and sat in the center of the room. The head of our Clearness Committee explained Quaker silent worship and the wedding process to the guests and we settled into silence. Out of the silence, J and I made our vows and exchanged our rings. after the exchange of rings, two close friends brought the table with our marriage certificate for us to sign. Our mothers then walked to the table hand in hand and read the certificate. As this was the affadavit to our marriage, it had to be read aloud so that everyone knew what they were signing.

Then the fun really began. We settled into silence once more and out of the silence came the first message about our couplehood from J's mom. I must admit she was a plant since she spent 30 years as a high school teacher and was an excellent public speaker. For the next forty five minutes people stood up and talked about us. Funny stories. Compliments on my cooking. Many tears. I lost it when my aunt talked about how proud my grandmother would be. This is where the Quaker commitment is real. Rather than a member of the clergy speaking to the guests, all of the guest were invited to extend their thoughts, wishes, and blessings to the couple. When there was a sense of the meeting that the blessings were done, J and I shook the hands of our honor attendants and then shook the hands of our Clearness Committee.

After the Quaker silence we had a few songs sung, and a read readings read. We walked out of the ceremony and all in attendance were invited to sign the marriage certificate. With the care and support of the Friends Meeting of Washington, we were married.

Things We Gleefully Cribbed and Learned

2008-07-20T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's funny how folks get protective about their weddings. You read all the time about some bride (and it always seems to be the woman because men aren't supposed to care) who will never let anyone know about her floral arrangements or her favors or her menu because it's supposed to be the bestest, most unique thing EVER. I think it may be because J and I are a same-gender couple that we didn't have that kind of protectiveness. Leading up to the wedding, I told EVERYONE every last detail about our wedding plans. And really, if someone else decided to use one of them, I was flattered. I guess the thing is, being a gay guy, nothing was going to be "unveiled." I was wearing a suit. J was wearing a suit.

With the pressure to have the bestest, most unique wedding off, J and I got a lot of ideas from other people's weddings. Here's some of the things we copied from others:

1. The MC - when we went to other people's weddings we saw how important it was to have someone, a DJ or a friend, MC your reception. The reception is where people will be eating and visiting and talking. Someone needs to focus the attention on stuff like cutting the cake and the first dance or even telling people to hurry up and go to the buffet.

2. The last dance - This came from both the Lancaster wedding and the Pleather and Leeanne wedding. Their last dance was all of their friends dancing in a circle around them. It was such an expression of love and joy and silly dancing. Our last dance was to "We are Family" surround by family of birth and choice. A nice way to end a wedding.

3. Using a quilt as your guestbook - When my friend Lady Bountiful got married a close friend made a quilt for them that everyone signed. It was years later that I learned how to quilt and I knew, remembering how beautiful Lady Bountiful's quilt was, that J and I would have a wedding quilt that everyone signed. For our wedding, we put squares of fabric and each table for people to sign, draw on or write a message. We still sleep under that quilt.

4. Naming tables - They work much better than numbers. As I said earlier, it's a lot easier to move a table around and not worry that table #20 is next to table #3.

5. The Grey armadillo cake - We're big fans of Dolly Parton. While our actual wedding was a little too classy to insert a touch of Dolly, we decided to go with a little Steel Magnolia wedding. We played toilet paper brides and for the cake, Rootbeer corraled our friends to make a grey armadillo cake complete with tire tracks.

Interview with East Coast Rebecca

2008-07-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers.

I wanted to introduce you to my friend East Coast Rebecca. If you have ever read the other blog, you know that East Coast Rebecca is kind of a bawdier, Americanized Nigella Lawson complete with alabaster skin, raven hair, a knack for entertaining and a great rack. She's also getting married this fall to the ever-hilarious Neal. Along with being a bride, Rebecca spends her days organizing events for a local nonprofit so she really knows her stuff. I wanted to see if there are any tips and tactics she can give us about planning a wedding and hear about how her own wedding planning is going.

Your parties are always a blast and the one event I saw you do professionally, went exceedingly well. So what's your wedding going to be like? Will it be Steel Magnolia-esque? Black tie? Hipster and James Bond cool? (We know Neal has a smoking jacket).

Maybe a month after the engagement, I ran over to my boss and said, "I've figured out what I want the wedding to be like - comfortably elegant." She laughed hysterically, and I knew I was in for months of mocking. My bold pronouncement may have been a touch over dramatic, but I'm trying to stick to the idea. I'd love the spirit of one of our house parties - good food, drink, people, and music - with a little more class. You know, with fewer Jello shots and more flowers.

My one concern is that this designation will leave people in the lurch about what to wear. I hate that as a guest, so I'm hoping my explanation that Neal won't wear a tux but guests are welcome to will guide folks.

So where will you have the ceremony and reception? What criteria did you use for deciding on location?

We're doing the whole shebang at the Aubudon Naturalist Society's Woodend Nature Sanctuary (http://www.audubonnaturalist.org/default.asp?page=514).

From the start we knew we wanted to do the ceremony and reception at the same venue, so my search began with that practical issue as well as others like capacity, being able to choose my own caterer, being fairly close to the District, Metro accessibility, parking, etc. I created a checklist/worksheet sort of thing addressing these issues and filled in the details for each of the venues we were considering. I took the sheet with me and made additional notes when visiting sites.

One thing that sold me on Woodend was the fact that, weather permitting, there's a gorgeous grove where we can do the ceremony (a hemlock grove, no less), but if the weather doesn't cooperate, it's simple enough to just set up the chairs in the building's main hall, which, while not a hemlock grove, is lovely. If you're considering an outdoor ceremony or reception, it's crucial to address inclement weather from the start.

We've all heard the horror stories about caterers, florists, DJ's etc. What should people know about working with vendors? What kinds of things do you look for in hiring a vendor?

Ask around, look at samples of their work (if possible), and talk to references, of course. After that, I recommend trying to work with people you genuinely like. If you have fallen for a specific catering company but don't love the rep you're working with, inquire about working with someone else (this will be more complicated post contract so act quickly; you likely will know immediately whether you've found a good match). Finding someone you communicate with well will make your life so much easier. Challenges that arise (and, oh, they will arise) will be more easily solved if you're not also worried about dealing with someone difficult.

Was there anything you knew as an event planner coming into this that gives you a leg up on all of the other brides?

My primary advantage is already knowing vendors. The other advantage is perspective. I'm keenly aware that lots of things go wrong behind the scenes that the guests never notice. Yet things never grind to a halt - even if equipment is missing or the talent is late or, god forbid (though I've seen it happen), you have 50 more guests than anticipated. My boss has a wonderful theory about how once events begin, we're just flotsam, floating in the largely uncontrollable current. You have to give over to it. I hope to embrace this for my wedding, too. (Wish me luck with that.)

On a related perspective note, I'm registered with all sorts of lame (but unavoidable) wedding websites - The Knot, Wedding Channel, and the like - and they're forever sending me emails that begin with, "Hi REBECCA! Only 93 days to go! Here's what you should be doing . . ." which could inspire a lot a panic if I didn't know better. For example, it's almost three months out, and I don't have a florist. Because I have experience with florists, I know that this is not a big deal, no matter what the Wedding Channel says.

Just a tip - I'm a big fan of Real Simple magazine, and their wedding pages are fantastic. Again, any timeline should be taken with a grain of salt, but they have oodles of downloadable checklists for everything from questions to ask your caterer to photos you'll probably want. If you're looking for wedding porn, hit the usual suspects. If you want useful information, head to Real Simple.

Let's talk ceremony. You and Neal are two of the most creative people I know when it comes to parties. I mean come on, Half Assed Halloween? Awesome. What's the ceremony going to be like? Will this be the time you go all traditional or are there offbeat touches?

A tangent first - because Neal and I cannot afford to invite more than the innermost circle of friends to the wedding, we're doing Half Assed Halloween V: The Wedding Reception the weekend after the wedding proper. I hope to see lots of bloody bridesmaid dresses.

A dear friend we both worked with back in the early days of our relationship (back when the millennium was new) is going to be our celebrant. That's really all we know so far. Every now and again when I'm making menu notes or looking at yet another hairstyle gallery, I think, "Oh right! This is a wedding. We should figure out that bit where we get married." There's been talk of incorporating a Coke (we really love Coke) in the ceremony. I briefly pushed to incorporate Scrabble, but that seems a bit much. We're muddling through. I'll report back if there are any revelations!

Finally, what do you want your guests to remember form the wedding?

How gorgeous I looked! I kid, I kid (though I do hope that's amongst everyone's memories). I just want everyone to have a really good time and be happy. It's what I hope I remember, too.

The Timeline

2008-07-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

Our dear friend Thank Heaven for Little Girls just got engaged. As a case study, I decided to do a timeline for her wedding. She just got engaged last week and the wedding will be sometime in Spring 2009. I’ll assume the wedding takes place mid-April. Throughout the whole process, update the person you designate to run the wedding with everything that you have done and how everything is working. He important thing is to make sure that someone other than the bride and the groom has a comprehensive idea of what needs to happen the day of. Gleefully cribbed from www.weddingcram.com.

JULY 2008
Choose a wedding date. Don't rush. Give yourself enough time. Venues are often more available (and cheaper) in the winter and early spring. June is a usually the busiest month for weddings, so plan accordingly.

Discuss & Choose the style and formality of your wedding. Pick what best suits your lifestyle, personalities and budget. "Formal", "Semi-Formal" or "Informal". There is no wrong choice. This will also help in narrowing down which venues you will consider.

Decide on a wedding budget. Common sense dictates that you do not spend beyond your means. The last thing you want is to begin your marriage in major debt because of your wedding. Here’s the hard thing - get clear about how much your parents will be helping out. Make sure you make a two version of your budget – you the two of you can afford on your own and what you think your parents can chip in on.

Start a wedding binder. This is a file or folder to keep all your wedding documents, contracts etc... Organization is the key to staying sane during the planning phase. Also remember that the binder will be helpful for other people being married after you. Keep brochures and information about vendors you aren’t using.

Select a ceremony location. Keep in mind that reservations are booked pretty far in advance, so if you find one that you like, put a security deposit down to hold the date. Always check the cancellation/refund policies first and have them in writing).

Select a reception site. Many times the ceremony and reception will be held in the same facility. If this is not the case, be sure that the ceremony and reception facilities are available on the same date. Also keeping in mind that they sometimes book over a year in advance. Again, always check the cancellation/refund policies first and have them in writing.

AUGUST 2008

Select your bridal party and request their participation in your special day.

Interview and Hire the following: Don't forget that not all of these service providers will be available on your wedding day, so be sure to have more than one to consider.

* Wedding officiant. This can be a religious or civil person depending on your beliefs and preference.

* Reception Caterer. if your reception site does not provide one, you will need to arrange for your own. Once you have found one that appeals to you be sure to secure your date with a signed contract and a security deposit. As always, be comfortable with your selection, and know the refund/cancellation policies in the event you cancel or change your date.

* Photographer and Videographer. If your budget allows for it, hire a professional. There will only be one chance to get this right.

* Band or DJ. Interview several. Review demo CD's to hear their sound and style. A good band or DJ can make a reception, but a bad one can all but ruin it.
related printable forms:

Start compiling names & addresses for the guest list. Keep in mind that you still have to combine and refine your list, his list, his family's list, your parents' list and the final list. If you are limited to the number of guests that can be invited to the wedding, be sure to give your families the number of guests they may include in their list. By requesting a certain number of guest beforehand, you alleviate a lot of potential stress. Also, try to make the request even on both parents' sides.

Sign up for a gift registry. It’s like shopping without spending money!

SEPTEMBER 2008

Finalize the guest list. Determine the number of invitations and thank you cards that need to be ordered. Make sure you create a database for the invites that include the following fields:

Firstname
Lastname
Guest name
Address
City
State
Zip
Phone
Email
RSVP Yes/No
# of guests (how many people are in the party)
Gift? (if they sent you a gift)
Thank you sent? (to make sure you that thank them for their gift)

Arrange accommodations. Some guest (such as out-of-towners) may wish to stay at a nearby hotel after the festivities.

Select your wedding cake. Give careful thought to you & your fiancé's favorite flavors, style, size, decorations and color.

OCTOBER 2008

Set up your website. In this day and age it’s really useful to have a website. People lose their invitations and forget the when and where of the wedding. Rather than resending and resending the information, you can just tell them to go to the website that has the details of the wedding and a few details about the two of you.

Begin preparations for your honeymoon. Consult with your travel agent and discuss possible honeymoon destinations and prices. Make arrangements early to catch the lowest airfares.

Send out the save the dates. This is especially important for summer weddings where people start thinking about vacation plans early.

Begin any necessary counseling sessions with your wedding officiant.

NOVEMBER 2008

Book your florist. Once you have found one that appeals to you be sure to secure your order with a signed contract and a security deposit. Be 100% sure of your selection, and know the refund/cancellation policies in the event you cancel or change your date.

Shop for your wedding bands. You should do this with your fiancé. You will both be wearing these rings for a long time, so you should both be happy with your selection.

Visit your physician. Get your physical examinations and blood tests if required to obtain a marriage license in your state.

Figure out what the wedding party is wearing.

DECEMBER 2008

Take a break. Ok. You’ve make a great start. Take a break and do nothing related to the wedding. Make sure you have time to just chill. I know you want to send out your invites but they will get lost in the holiday mail that goes out.

JANUARY 2009

Send out your invitations. Be sure to include everyone who received a save the date magnet or card. Double check the postage required to ensure that the invitations reach your guests.

Arrange for rental of items needed for your ceremony and reception.

Discuss finalized menu options and costs with your caterer. Confirm arrival and departure times, as well as any added extras.

Select a location for your rehearsal dinner and make the necessary reservations & deposits.

FEBRUARY 2009

Figure out wedding favors

Shop for wedding party gifts.

Start hunting down everyone who hasn’t RSVPed.

MARCH 2009

Finalize guest list and send to the caterer

Create a packet for the friends and family involved in the wedding. This should include when people need to arrive for pictures, the details of the rehearsal dinner, and information about transportation and carpooling.

Choose your wedding music and share your selections with your Band or DJ.

Confirm your order with the florist.

Design your wedding programs. You don't want to do this too much sooner than this because things inevitably change.

Apply for your marriage license.

Do the girly stuff

* Have a final gown fitting.

* Choose all of your wedding accessories. There are many accessories that you will need to choose for your big day.

* Visit your hair stylist, work on a style with your veil.

* Visit your make-up artist the same day.

Discuss and finalize details with wedding service providers.

2 Weeks before the wedding

Call any guests that haven't sent back their response card (there will almost always be a few).

Give the caterer a finalized head count.

Pick up your marriage license.

Give your DJ or Band a list of songs that you may have come up with since your last contact with them.

Confirm rehearsal plans with your officiant.

Obtain any legal information regarding changing your name for: Drivers License, Social Security Card, Vehicle Documents, Credit Cards, Bank Accounts, Investment Accounts, Passport, Change of Address Card with Post Office, Insurance Policies, Voter Registration Card, Subscriptions, Employment Records, Billing Address/Name Change.

Complete floor and seating plan for reception.

Confirm all rental and floral delivery dates and times.

Check parking arrangements.

1 Week before the wedding

Make any last minute seating arrangements/adjustments.

Organize your wedding day attire, make sure you try everything on & it fits perfectly.

Confirm honeymoon reservations.

Confirm reservations for out-of-town guests.

Pack for your honeymoon.

Pick up passports (if necessary).

Gather all necessary documents for travel.

Confirm rehearsal plans with attendants and request that they arrive on time.

Confirm reservations for the rehearsal dinner.

Have a relaxing massage.

1 Day before the wedding

Go through your list of things to do with your coordinator and make sure all your bases are covered.

Pack your wedding day emergency kit.

Pamper yourself

Put wedding attire and accessories together.

Give rings to the appropriate person

Try to get a good night's sleep!

YOUR WEDDING DAY!

Eat Something! It will help the Pre-Wedding Jitters if you have something in your stomach!

Get your hair and make-up done (wear a button up shirt to keep everything perfect).

Have Coordinator check the reception site. (as early as possible)

Dress for your wedding.

Have candid photos taken with family.

Enjoy, you've worked hard !!

Most Importantly... If anything doesn't go according to plan, don't worry, your guests probably won't even notice the difference.

From my friend Evelyn

2008-07-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

So Evelyn and I go way back. WAAY back to the days when we were both single, working for a sex ed advocacy group, and stalking potential boyfriends. Well not stalking but going to the alley behind their apartments to see if their light was on and they were really sick. Anyway, our history with weddings goes back too. Evelyn "hired" me to be the coordinator at her friend Emma's wedding and gave me the opportunity to coordinated her own wedding. The wedding was a blast, even more me and J who were running it. Evelyn and her fella were crazy organized and were that couple that really worked well together and enjoyed each other's company. It helped that her fella, Rikel, had an awesome family that was supportive, helpful, and fun. Anyway, since the wedding Evelyn and I talk a lot about weddings and the weird dynamics that end up happening. She wrote this email to me and is allowing me to reprint it here. It think it captures a lot of how i feel about weddings.

From Evelyn:

I attended a very weird wedding a couple of weekends ago. Let me just provide you with some background information -- the groom is a very nice guy, dorky, white, and incredibly picky eater. He's been dating a -- you guessed it! -- a golden sister for the last 8 years or so -- they met in high school. She is petite, cute, a nurse, and ... how do I say this delicately? ... a psychotic bitch. i'm not sure that I've ever heard her utter more than 10 words in public, and when she does speak, its never above a faint squeak.

He is a friend of Rikel's and several months ago, Rikel told me that he was worried about his friend's upcoming nuptials. his friend would say things about his own wedding like, "you don't realize you've made this huge decision, and when you do, its like you are in deep, black hole that you can't get out of it." and then, "ha ha, isn't that funny?" then he opened up to Rikel a bit more, the Bride has some anger issues. She was really set on getting married on 06/07/08, and after two years of searching for the perfect location for our wedding, we found it. however, it was booked for the day she wanted, and so the Bride spent two hours crying and throwing stuff around the apartment." Or, "Oh yeah, the Bride and I went to a park two hours away, and we thought it would be fun to play croquet. But then she started to lose and was so mad, and threw such a huge fit that we had to leave right away." Anyway, there are a whole slew of stories about the Bride basically throwing temper tantrums over ridiculously little things. her fiance (now husband) sums it up by saying, "The Birde may not look it, but she's pretty scary when things don't go her way." He's suggested a number of times that she "sees someone" about her anger management issues.

Anyway, we attended their wedding and I must admit that everything was beautiful. flowers were gorgeous, her dress was beautiful, everything was meticulously well planned. They had been engaged for over two years. but there was something sad about it too ... and when I thought about it later, I realized what it did NOT have -- joy. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that you can plan for joy, but its something that has to come 100% from the couple. The couple sets the tone for how much "joy" there is at the wedding, and honestly, the bride seems to have more influence in this department than the groom. This I think is why those Bridezilla shows are also so depressing. So many of the brides lack joy at their own wedding and it shows.

let me give you a few examples of what happens at a joyless wedding:

1) no emotion of any sort during the ceremony from ANYONE. no one -- not even the parents and relatives -- teared up during the ceremony.

2) the groom had been telling us that he and the Bride had been taking dance lessons for months. Even 3 days before the ceremony, they had to go to the space for a dance rehearsal. The result: a basic foxtrot with the groom nervously counting each beat the entire time. it was perfectly choreographed, but it was not fun, and definitely not romantic. you could have programmed two robots to dance the foxtrot and have gotten the same effect.

3) when guests were invited to dance, no one did.

4) people left as early as they could.

This isn't too say that just because the wedding is joyless means that the marriage is doomed to fail (though they are probably positively correlated) ... but if you want to throw a good and fun wedding that won't have people staring at their watches, it seems that the bride needs to loosen up a bit! But really, I kept thinking about their possible children, and how much it would suck to be raised by a mother who showed no emotion at all except occasional psychotic outbursts of anger. yuck.

Finally, one other bit of wedding related gossip(?) you may find interesting ... so my friend B was telling me that when she and her husband were living on an Indian reservation, they found some of their friends' over-the-top, extravagant weddings a bit hard to take. They were totally disoriented since they were coming from a place of abject poverty into "platinum" weddings. So they initiated a secret "protest gift" when they had to attend a wedding that they thought was either a) a bad idea; b). was needlessly ostentatious ... or c) both.

The protest gift? A salad tosser. Then they would wait for the thank you note ... praying -- PRAYING -- it would go something like this:

Dear B and J,

Thank you so much for sharing our special day . We loved the gift. In fact, I just can't wait to come home from work everyday just so I can toss Sammy's salad. I am sure that your gift will bring us many years of salad tossing.

Love,

Muffy and Sammy

So, to Rikel's absolute horror, guess what gift I bought for the Bride's wedding?

Heh.

TV Recommendation - Rock the Reception

2008-07-07T08:48:00.001-07:00

I'll start off by saying I absolutely adore choreographed wedding dances? You know what makes me cry? The youtube video of that couple doing their wacky dance to Baby Got Back. I love stuff like that because you have to be game to do something so hilarious on your wedding day. They are the opposite of "that straight couple." You know the ones. They are the basis of every bad sitcom on CBS where the wife is some uptight harpy and the husband is a dumb slob. "That straight couple" would never do a goofy wedding dance because the harpy wife would be bitching for the rest of their marriage how their "elegant" wedding was ruined by something so embarrassing. The flip side is the husband would be all "dude I don't dance" to get out there are do a choreographed dance. What i adore about these dances is that both people are game. They are there to have a good time WITH EACH OTHER and know that the other person is there to back them up no matter how silly they get. You look at them dancing to Sir Mix a lot or "Thriller" and they are having a blast. A couple that really has fun together is a couple that will last.

Anyway, tt was a Sunday night and J and I were bored. We flipped some channels and ended up on TLC watching The Singing Office with Joey Fatone and Mel C. That was all fine and good. Well, actually it wasn't because the singing and dancing was atrocious. But the show afterwards was a masterpiece of wedding tv - Rock the Reception. The whole concept of the show is that a couple agreed to have Napoleon and Tabitha, the Hip hop choreographers from So You Think You Can Dance choreograph and teach them a two-minute routine they will perform as a surprise first dance. I am so loving this show for all the reasons I love these dances. The couples totally adore each other and are pretty game for anything. The show is head and shoulders above a lot of the wedding reality TV shows because they are not invested in documenting bad behavior on anyone's part. This ranks right up there with the first three seasons of Whose Wedding is it Anyway? where you got to see the ins and outs of how a wedding planner puts together a wedding. I could go on and on about that show but that is another post.

The Basics - What you need to run a wedding

2008-07-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about running things the day of your wedding. First of all, if you are the people getting married, I highly recommend that you set things up so you and your loved ones will be the guests at your own weedding. While you probably may know all of the details about what needs to happen, downlaod, download, download. What i mean by that is to let at least one person who is not a member of the wedding party know all of the details of what needs to happen. That includes how the centerpieces need to be arranged, who needs what and who's who (i.e. who is holding a grudge against whom). The obvious answer is to pay a wedding coordinator to do that. That's a great idea and I hope to have a guest blgoger talk about her experience with her wedding coordinator. Unless you have tons of money to hire a wedding coordinator who will do everything, you will probably being doing a lot of the legwork that a coordinator will be implementing the day of. So whether the coordinator is a friend or someone you pay, you will still need to give them the tools to make sure they can do their job.

When I've coordinated wedding for friends these are the things I've needed:

The minute by minute play by play - This is the your Bible. It says when everything will happen. That includes not just when the ceremony is starting but when the wedding party needs to be at the ceremony space for photos, when vendors are delivering and setting things up, when the reception needs to wind down and when people are talking. This would include what items need to be set up where (i.e. candles at the altar, the microphone for speakers, and what needs to be in the rooms the wedding couple is getting ready in).

A vendor list WITH phone numbers - Your wedding coordinator is your enforcer. If a vendor is late in delivering, the wedding coordinator will need their phone number to kick their ass.

A list of important people WITH cell phone numbers - In this day and age most of us have cell phones. Coordinating involves cat herding. Make sure you ahve the right lasso for the cat herding. This means cell phones. This list doesn't need to include every guest but it should have people who need to be at the wedding or else the wedding wouldn't be able to happen. That includes readers, helpers, family, and anyone who will be participating in any way in the ceremony or the reception.

The Shot List - The photographer will take many many pictures during the wedding but this is to ensure that you will have ALL of the pictures you want. The coordinator should review the shot list with the photographer prior to the wedding and check in with them every so often to make sure they are taking the necessary photos.

A list of flowers - The weeding coordinator should check this off with the florist to make sure everyone who has a bouquet, boutonniere, or nosegay, gets one. This is also important if your florist is providing the centerpieces as well.

A seating map - This tells you what table is where. I highly recommend using names instead of numbers for the tables. That way, if tables get moved around you won't worry that table#12 is right nexto table #6. The seating chart should also have a list of who is sitting where. While table cards may be self evident, there will always be someone who asks.

Being the person who has gotten married and also the person who's run a wedding, it's really important that there's other peopel who know what's going on and other people that guests, vendors, and people in the wedding party can go to for answers. While the wedding couple will get those questions, it makes the day better to have someone else to send the questions to. The other thing I say is start early with putting this stuff together. Bring your coordinator along with you and talk through all of the details with them. Take care of your coordinator and they will take care of you.

The Wedding Blog

2008-07-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

No, J and I aren’t having another wedding. That would be self indulgent. We will, however, tie the knot in City Hall just to have an actual marriage license and legal recognition. We did decide to start a wedding blog because I like to talk about weddings and J wants a place to give handy tips on how to plan a wedding. This will be a place to talk about all things weddings. Details from our own wedding. Weddings we’ve been to. TV shows about weddings. Books about weddings. Magazines about weddings.

So to start with, we’re a same-gender couple. That makes our view of weddings a bit more unconventional and a bit more on the do-it-yourself side. We had a queer, Quaker, fragrance-free, Vietnamese, feminist, Texan, barbecue, Pan-Asian wedding. We had a year and a half to plan and did as much as we could ourselves without actually being forced to cook or clean on the day of the wedding. Miraculously all of our vendors and helpers came right on time. We had food brought in from two places – Rockland’s Barbecue and Café Asia. The staff of Café Asia was in charge of setting up the food and cleaning everything up afterwards.

We had a Clearness Committee at our Monthly Meeting guide us through the spiritual aspects of getting married and BEING married within the Religious Society of Friends. This meant talking to us about how we defined marriage and how we would take care of each other as a married couple. It also meant they would be giving direction to us about the ceremony.

We invited around 200 people and exactly 99 showed up for the ceremony and an additional 20 showed up for the reception. We had our wedding over MLK Jr. weekend which was also the weekend of the anti-war protests so we couldn’t be too pissed off that a few folks had to skip the ceremony. They were fighting for peace!

You’ll hear more about the blessed day but for now just know it was a blast and everyone (to our knowledge) had a good time.

Starting
So you all have made the decision to have a wedding. This is different from getting married which doesn’t necessarily involved guests, food, or even a ceremony. But if you want to have a wedding, starting is the fun part.

So to begin, close your eyes. Think about what your wedding will be like. What does it look like to you? A big buffet of gourmet food? A vision of you in your outfit and your prospective spouse in theirs? A few close friends and family? Tons of people dancing and tipsy? This is the daydreaming part.

As you think about your dream wedding here are some things to think about:

Formality – So what will the guy wear? A suit and tie? A white shirt and linen pants? A tux? A morning suit? This is what sets the tone for the wedding guests. Will this be an evening wedding where you envision evening gowns? Or an afternoon outdoor wedding on the beach? Whatever it is, your level of formality will set the tone for many other things. It’s really important as your send your invitations to make the level of formality clear. Our friends Becky and Suzanne had a flip flop theme and made sure everyone knew that the brides would be married in flip flops. J and I wore khakis, button down shirts and flip flops and we matched the tone of the event perfectly.

What’s important – If you are on a budget, you can’t have it all so think about what’s important. For us it was the good time as opposed to the aesthetics. While our decorations were nice, they were minimal. We did prioritize getting a good music list, a good swing band, and good food. We also made sure to hire a caterer who really knew what they were doing. Other folks may want to make really great memories and a beautiful ceremony which means a lot of money on flowers and accessories. Others may want really important people to be there for them and help subsidize their travel. Either way it a choice.

How much money do you have? – No seriously. Do you want your parents involved? How much are you willing to max out the credit cards? Come up with that number and don’t assume anyone’s parents are going to make a magical donation at the last minute. (I only say this because there was a Bridezilla style show on Oxygen where a spoiled girl wanted an upgrade on EVERYTHING and just told the vendors her parents would pay for it.)

So what about the rest of you? What were the things you had to think about in planning your wedding?