So Scotte at EatWithMe has been my blog buddy since the early days of the dc blog. Over the years J and I have become in person friends with Scott and his partner Jason at Dancerindc. I am in deep awe of them, especially when I came for their Thanksgiving dinner and they seamlessly served a full dinner along with a pre-dinner tasting menu. Given their excellent taste, I wanted to share their wisdom in having a same gender wedding.
So how did you two decided on having a wedding? I assume that like most of us, you were probably living together and knew you were in it for the long haul well before you decided to get hitched?
We were living together and had just entered our fourth year together. We decided one night, February 2004, when the President held a press conference to give the world his opinion on the whole gay marriage issue. We felt like we had been slapped in the face. It's not like we were expecting the President to welcome gay marriage with open arms, but to hold a press conference denouncing it as evil and the workings of Satan seemed a bit much. I guess Jason and I looked at each other and had this look of 'well, I guess we should do something about this.' So we officially considered ourselves engaged and over the next few days started letting friends know.
What was it like being two men getting engaged and having a wedding? How did your friends and family react? Were their any surprises?
Our friends couldn't have been more excited. Perhaps even more excited than we were. A few friends made gifts to the Human Rights Campaign in our honor. We received cards and well wishes from everyone. For our families we had to tread a little more carefully. For my mother, I had to make sure she understood what we were doing; getting married, but without any legal rights and responsibilities. I had only come out to her a few years earlier, so having a gay son was a little new to her. She was very excited and happy to join us for the special day. But she was the only representation from my family. I know one of my aunts wanted to come, but her ex-husband refused to let her go! Funny how an ex-husband had that kind of control, but he threatened in some way and with kids in the mix, she didn't push it. I guess he thought she'd catch the gay and bring it back to the kids? Another aunt wanted to come, but scheduling wouldn't permit. There are many other family members who don't know, even today, as I'm not out to them (mother's request, which I've honored, long story for another day.)
Jason also had to tread lightly with his parents, both of whom are more religious and had been cautious towards our relationship. His mother joined us, as did several of his aunts and uncles. His father and brother didn't attend. That being said, they have really come a long way over the years in accpeting us as a couple. It's really very amazing to see family members transform when they need to own up and accept that their children may not be what the parents originally wanted, but they are their children and come to realize they must love them, gay sparkles and all.
What was the tone of your wedding? Whimsical? Elegant? Elegantly whimsical? What kind of things did you want to highlight in your wedding?
We really didn't have a theme or tone. At this point in our lives we were completely broke. We had no money and there wasn't much financial support from our families for this, so we had to cover almost all expenses ourselves. We also didn't want to add any addition debt, so the whole event needed to be paid for out of what we could save for the next several months and what we were willing to part with from our savings!
So, what we wanted to highlight at our wedding was our relationship and our friends. We used our friends for all aspects of the wedding. DJ-friends, Photographer-friends, Participants-friends...all the roles that needed to be filled were filled by friends and it made it all the more perfect.
Instead of a bunch of flowers, our friend just offered to make boutonnieres for the wedding participants, and a simple centerpiece arrangement. We brought from a wholesaler what he had left for the week, which made it all very inexpensive.
Ok. Let's talk details. Where did you have it? How many people did you invite? What was the ceremony like? Did you use an officiant?
Back to the money issue, we couldn't go hog wild. So we used a lovely space at the Human Rights Campaign headquarters here in DC. We were the second same-sex wedding in the space. There was a lesbian wedding before us. The whole party was in the one place...and it worked really well. We set up the ceremony space in one portion. Dance floor in another and bar/reception space in the last part of the space. I loved it.
I think we invited about 60-70 people, hoping to have 50 people. Which is exactly what we ended up with. There were many people we wanted to invite, but due to budget and space, we had to narrow the list down. It hurt knowing we had to cut out certain people, but I believe they understood our situation.
The ceremony was brief. And full of friends. We had one friend serve as our MC. He asked if he could marry us and he'd be willing to be ordained. As that wasn't important to us, we skipped that part. We had 6 other participants. Each one did a reading in some way. A reading from the Book of Ruth, from Plato's Symposium, an Apache prayer, a portion of a poem by Kahil Gilbran. And of course, this being a gay wedding, a song from a musical...”Somewhere” from West Side Story. Our participants came from all corners of our lives. Our old lesbian landlady whom we loved dearly. Former roommates. Best friends. Our mothers escorted us into the ceremony, followed by the participants.
We each wrote our own vows. Jason did his months in advance and they were silly, perfect and absolutely wonderful. Mine were written about an hour before and I cried like a baby, so no one heard them anyway. After all the smooching, “For Once In My Life” played and we ran out of the room for a two minute breather. Then we came back in, with another song introducing us as a couple.
We did the rounds saying hi, hello, love you, you look great, etc. Then we danced our first dance to Rosemary Clooney's “I've Grown Accustomed to His Face.” Then we danced with our moms to “My Girl” and then kicked off the party with a little Prince and “Let's Go Crazy.” Good times.
What was the most memorable part of the day?
There are two parts of the event that stick out most in my mind. Jason coming from a background in dance, has a lot of friends who are dancers...there was a dance off in the middle of the party. A room full of sexy women strutting and dancing in high heels. It was remarkable.
And during the toasts. We asked two friends to give toasts. We listened intently and smiled and loved the very kind words from both friends. Then they start quoting someone, who was "Scott & Jason's favorite author." Well who the heck is that? There are these great words about finding love and friends and happiness and all that. She was quoting Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City...we were on the floor in tears, laughing. Brilliant.
Of course we can't do this without talking food. How was the reception? What did you serve?
I think the food was a surprise and everyone really enjoyed it. I went to my favorite deli I'd frequent during the work week and asked if they could cater a reception. Cheese and crackers and deli meats for sandwiches and a variety of antipasta nibbles. They did enough food for 50 people, PLUS! for under $300. The guests seemed to enjoy because it was thereto just snack and eat as the evening went on. No one was left without anything to eat (except me!) and there was no pretention of fancy-schmancy. Yes, I like to consider myself an amatuer gourmand, but I was NOT going to be cooking the day of our wedding, but also, I'm a little low-brow as well. So the food represented us well and filled peoples’ bellies. We also made it clear on the invitation that the reception would have light fare, so they could plan to get a full meal before hand if they wished.
Dessert. Had to have dessert. Instead of a cake I did make the day before, about 9 pans of Rice Krispy Squares. I made regular ones. Cocoa Krispy ones and even some Fruity Pebble squares. This was a lot of fun and a good surprise for our guests. There were also bowls of chocolate kisses around the room. Not a single person asked where the cake was.
Finally, any advice you'd give to another gay couple having a wedding?
We're approaching our 10th anniversary of being together, 5th anniversary of being happily wedded. What we remember is having a great time with our friends and family. And we did it without breaking the bank. When all was said and done, I think our budget MAXED out around $2,500. This included Jason getting a tuxedo! Don't fret about making the event about how much money you have to spend to impress your guests. Make the event about being lovey-dovey and having the best time you can imagine. Use the resources around you, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Oh, and ask your friends to volunteer their talents. I worried that asking our friends would make them feel ‘put out.’ Like they couldn’t come and just enjoy the evening; they’d have to ‘work.’ Well, they were honored to give of themselves and be a part of a very special evening, celebrating our relationship and we’re so very grateful.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
More Same Gender Wedding with a Little bit of Olympics
Before we start. I so don't heart Jenn Stuczknski's coach who decided to berate her right after she WON the silver medal, coming in second to a fabulous Russian Olympic champ and world record holder.
Here's what he said (while playing with his blackberry):
It’s the same old same old, you’re losing takeoff at the big heights. (shrug) Whaddaya gonna do? (shrug, looks away) Gotta learn to keep takeoff. You got caught at that meat grinder. I did not - and I told 10 people - I didn’t wanna be caught in a meat grinder between 65 and 80. You had to, though. You weren’t on, your warmup didn’t go well. You were at 55. You got caught up in that meat grinder. Whaddaya gonna do? (shrugs, looks away) Whaddaya gonna do? (shrugs, looks away) Didn’t have the legs. Her legs are fresh. Hey, it’s a silver medal. Not bad for someone that’s been pole vaulting for four years. (looks down at his blackberry)
Whoah. Not even the Karolyis would be that brash. Dude, your athlete just WON a silver. You, yourself, acknowledge that she's only doing this for four years. Do you think berating her IN FRONT OF A ZILLION EYES ON TV, immediately after the competition is useful? Ok. Breathe.
As this is the second ceremony joining us in (not so) holy matrimony, I've been thinking about what a gift it is to have a same-gender wedding. Let's face it, when society (and the law) doesn't support your relationship, you're already breaking the rules. That gives you a lot more license to break or ignore a whole other sets of rules. Because we are a same-gender couple here's a list of things we just didn't care about:
1. The Wedding Party - Thank god for that bad Patrick Dempsey movie "Made of Honor." All of the publicity for that movie had "bridesmen" come out of the woodwork. All of the sudden there were all of these articles on how awesome it is to have someone of the opposite gender a part of your side of the wedding party. Originally, I was going to have both Lord and Lady Lancaster stand up with me since I was a groomsman at their wedding. When Lord Lancaster couldn't be at the wedding, Rootbeer and Pauline (who were already doing so much to put the wedding together) stood up with me along with Lady Lancaster. On J's side, he had two childhood friends and his brother stand up with him. There was no, questions about the prepoderance of folks of the female persuasion in our wedding party and noone was saying we needed to include so and so.
2. Walking Down the Aisle - J and I walked ourselves down the aisle hand in hand. We'd lived together for two years by that point. We were giving up our old life or changing our lives in any material way. The only difference is that our community of faith and our community of friends and family formally recognized us as a couple.
3. Our names - We kept them. End of story. Noone was going to give us any shit for it.
4. The guest list - What's interesting is that we had the opposite problem of figuring out who to invite. I had to check with my relatives about inviting people who were more peripheral in my family's life who may not know that I am out. It was heartwarming to hear from relatives who were saying "you CAN invite great uncle so and so and his five children."
5. The Whole Wedding - Our families were remarkably opinion free about our wedding. The fact that societally, we were making this up as we went along, meant that our families offered us a lot of support but few opinions. There was not a peppe of "this is how you should do it" from any side of our families.
Yes oppression sucks but as someone once said, "the mainstream is slow moving, it's the tributaties where all the fun is."
Here's what he said (while playing with his blackberry):
It’s the same old same old, you’re losing takeoff at the big heights. (shrug) Whaddaya gonna do? (shrug, looks away) Gotta learn to keep takeoff. You got caught at that meat grinder. I did not - and I told 10 people - I didn’t wanna be caught in a meat grinder between 65 and 80. You had to, though. You weren’t on, your warmup didn’t go well. You were at 55. You got caught up in that meat grinder. Whaddaya gonna do? (shrugs, looks away) Whaddaya gonna do? (shrugs, looks away) Didn’t have the legs. Her legs are fresh. Hey, it’s a silver medal. Not bad for someone that’s been pole vaulting for four years. (looks down at his blackberry)
Whoah. Not even the Karolyis would be that brash. Dude, your athlete just WON a silver. You, yourself, acknowledge that she's only doing this for four years. Do you think berating her IN FRONT OF A ZILLION EYES ON TV, immediately after the competition is useful? Ok. Breathe.
As this is the second ceremony joining us in (not so) holy matrimony, I've been thinking about what a gift it is to have a same-gender wedding. Let's face it, when society (and the law) doesn't support your relationship, you're already breaking the rules. That gives you a lot more license to break or ignore a whole other sets of rules. Because we are a same-gender couple here's a list of things we just didn't care about:
1. The Wedding Party - Thank god for that bad Patrick Dempsey movie "Made of Honor." All of the publicity for that movie had "bridesmen" come out of the woodwork. All of the sudden there were all of these articles on how awesome it is to have someone of the opposite gender a part of your side of the wedding party. Originally, I was going to have both Lord and Lady Lancaster stand up with me since I was a groomsman at their wedding. When Lord Lancaster couldn't be at the wedding, Rootbeer and Pauline (who were already doing so much to put the wedding together) stood up with me along with Lady Lancaster. On J's side, he had two childhood friends and his brother stand up with him. There was no, questions about the prepoderance of folks of the female persuasion in our wedding party and noone was saying we needed to include so and so.
2. Walking Down the Aisle - J and I walked ourselves down the aisle hand in hand. We'd lived together for two years by that point. We were giving up our old life or changing our lives in any material way. The only difference is that our community of faith and our community of friends and family formally recognized us as a couple.
3. Our names - We kept them. End of story. Noone was going to give us any shit for it.
4. The guest list - What's interesting is that we had the opposite problem of figuring out who to invite. I had to check with my relatives about inviting people who were more peripheral in my family's life who may not know that I am out. It was heartwarming to hear from relatives who were saying "you CAN invite great uncle so and so and his five children."
5. The Whole Wedding - Our families were remarkably opinion free about our wedding. The fact that societally, we were making this up as we went along, meant that our families offered us a lot of support but few opinions. There was not a peppe of "this is how you should do it" from any side of our families.
Yes oppression sucks but as someone once said, "the mainstream is slow moving, it's the tributaties where all the fun is."
Monday, August 18, 2008
Same Gender Weddings Rock!
Wasn't this a wedding blog? As a little aside, I totally heart Dara Torres. She's older than me and still winning medals. She's classy as all get out. Case in point - she has the piece of mind to ask the official to delay the start of her semifinal heat because a fellow competitor tore her swimsuit.
Anyway, in a week and a half, J and I are having what we call our Civilizing Ceremony. We considered this our Civil Union because we were married five and a half years ago. Next Friday, J and I, in the company of some of our immediate family and a few close California friends, will be having our marriage recognized by the state of California. We will have our Civil Union ceremony at the Alameda County Clerk and Recorder's office near where we live. Afterwards, our small party of 12 will be going to Maritime East for a celebratory dinner. There's no caterers, no band, no readings. just us, our family and a few friends and the state of California, recognizing what our large community of friends, co-workers, and extended family affirmed on January 18, 2003.
Anyway, in a week and a half, J and I are having what we call our Civilizing Ceremony. We considered this our Civil Union because we were married five and a half years ago. Next Friday, J and I, in the company of some of our immediate family and a few close California friends, will be having our marriage recognized by the state of California. We will have our Civil Union ceremony at the Alameda County Clerk and Recorder's office near where we live. Afterwards, our small party of 12 will be going to Maritime East for a celebratory dinner. There's no caterers, no band, no readings. just us, our family and a few friends and the state of California, recognizing what our large community of friends, co-workers, and extended family affirmed on January 18, 2003.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Off Topic - I Heart, well, lots of Olympians
Ok. I am so sick of Michael Phelps. Not Michael Phelps the person who I am sure is awesome but Michael Phelps the 24-hours coverage. But the rest of the Olympics, crazy amounts of love.
1. I heart Roger Federer. I adore the fact that he has the crappiest year, a horrible singles tournament, but he rocks the doubles and wins a gold! Not only that, his victory celebration with partner Stanislaus Warwinka, it a totally hilarious cavalcade of male bonding. Seriously, what was that thing that he did when his partners was played out on the ground? So funny!
2. All the shotputters - On the empowerment level, I love that big, hefty people get to show that they are athletic. Preach it boys, health has less to do about weight and more about to do with being athletic. On the eye candy level - MMMMMMM. I like my guys with some meat on their bones.
3. The fans of the men's doubles final - Hee. I love that they are shouting and doing the waves as if they were at a soccer match. Now THIS is an international competition.
4. That bronze medal winner of the 5,000 meter race - Ok. I totally have a soft spot for the non-gold medalists who are delighted by their non-gold medal. She ran her heart out and she totally acted as if she won eight golds.
5. I do NOT heart NBC and its sister channels who refuse to show any doubles tennis. Come on folks, THE WILLIAMS SISTERS are playing. ROGER FEDERER is playing!!!!
6. Ok. I still heart Shawn Johnson. She's delightful and she's so classy and happy to get a silver.
1. I heart Roger Federer. I adore the fact that he has the crappiest year, a horrible singles tournament, but he rocks the doubles and wins a gold! Not only that, his victory celebration with partner Stanislaus Warwinka, it a totally hilarious cavalcade of male bonding. Seriously, what was that thing that he did when his partners was played out on the ground? So funny!
2. All the shotputters - On the empowerment level, I love that big, hefty people get to show that they are athletic. Preach it boys, health has less to do about weight and more about to do with being athletic. On the eye candy level - MMMMMMM. I like my guys with some meat on their bones.
3. The fans of the men's doubles final - Hee. I love that they are shouting and doing the waves as if they were at a soccer match. Now THIS is an international competition.
4. That bronze medal winner of the 5,000 meter race - Ok. I totally have a soft spot for the non-gold medalists who are delighted by their non-gold medal. She ran her heart out and she totally acted as if she won eight golds.
5. I do NOT heart NBC and its sister channels who refuse to show any doubles tennis. Come on folks, THE WILLIAMS SISTERS are playing. ROGER FEDERER is playing!!!!
6. Ok. I still heart Shawn Johnson. She's delightful and she's so classy and happy to get a silver.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Off Topic - I heart Shawn Johnson
THANK GOD the women all turned in good to amazing performances. Unlike the men's all around where folks were falling down left and right, the women stayed upright and dazzled. I feel sorry for the poor Chinese who are being berating by their WHOLE COUNTRY for not getting another gold.
Considering Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin talked about going 1-2, I never thought it would happen. I always thought it would be the lovely Shawn Johnson on top. With her grace both on and off the floor, she is the Michelle Kwan of gymnastics. She comes into the Olympics with expectations out the wazzoo, gets second and is a total class act about it. And in fact, commits herself to 2012.
Here's the thing, she WON THE SILVER. She didn't get the medal because people splatted all around her and she won by default. Everyone turned in solid performances. She was great in all of her events. She ADDED a skill on her floor to get more points. Nastia was just a hair better.
There's seriously nothing for Shawn to be ashamed about. It makes me all the happier that she's NOT COACHED BY HER DAD.
Considering Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin talked about going 1-2, I never thought it would happen. I always thought it would be the lovely Shawn Johnson on top. With her grace both on and off the floor, she is the Michelle Kwan of gymnastics. She comes into the Olympics with expectations out the wazzoo, gets second and is a total class act about it. And in fact, commits herself to 2012.
Here's the thing, she WON THE SILVER. She didn't get the medal because people splatted all around her and she won by default. Everyone turned in solid performances. She was great in all of her events. She ADDED a skill on her floor to get more points. Nastia was just a hair better.
There's seriously nothing for Shawn to be ashamed about. It makes me all the happier that she's NOT COACHED BY HER DAD.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Off Topic - I Heart USA Gymnastics
Have you all been watching the Olympics? Why the hell are they putting gymnastics on at 11:00 pm? That's ridiculous!
That being said, I totally stayed up until all hours to watch my second favorite Olympic sport (figure skating being my fav). I was rewarded by a good amount of sportpersonship.
First, I totally have no problem with the Chinese winning. In fact, I was rooting for them. After reading story after story on the Karolyis, I don't think the Chinese machine is any more brutal, just more structured. I find it hilarious that Tim Dagget and Elfie Schlegel are making snide remarks about the Chinese Olympic team and how they get plucked at age three to have a life dedicated to gymnastics. Mind you, I don't think that's humane at all and I have huge amounts of worry about what happens after these girls stop competing (which is where the U.S. system is infinitely superior in terms of supporting the gymnast as a PERSON). But then the commentators are all bitchy about the decline in Romanian gymnastics and the fact that the Romanians are no longer subjected to soul-destroying brutalizing training regimens. I nearly keeled over when Tim noted that one Romanian actually got to text her friends during training. BAD gymnasts! Who told you that you get to have a life?
Anyway, I am really proud of the USA gymanstics teams. First for the men who blew the pommel horse and were still immensely happy with the bronze. I loved their reaction and how happy and releived they were to be standing on the medal podium. While the women weren't at all happy about their silver, I was moved by the solidarity they showed to Alicia Sacramone. It was touching to see everyone hugging her and trying to console her. I hope she gets a medal in the vault to take away some of the sting of her bad performances. But nonetheless, I like that our gymnasts seem to be good people along with being good athletes.
That being said, I totally stayed up until all hours to watch my second favorite Olympic sport (figure skating being my fav). I was rewarded by a good amount of sportpersonship.
First, I totally have no problem with the Chinese winning. In fact, I was rooting for them. After reading story after story on the Karolyis, I don't think the Chinese machine is any more brutal, just more structured. I find it hilarious that Tim Dagget and Elfie Schlegel are making snide remarks about the Chinese Olympic team and how they get plucked at age three to have a life dedicated to gymnastics. Mind you, I don't think that's humane at all and I have huge amounts of worry about what happens after these girls stop competing (which is where the U.S. system is infinitely superior in terms of supporting the gymnast as a PERSON). But then the commentators are all bitchy about the decline in Romanian gymnastics and the fact that the Romanians are no longer subjected to soul-destroying brutalizing training regimens. I nearly keeled over when Tim noted that one Romanian actually got to text her friends during training. BAD gymnasts! Who told you that you get to have a life?
Anyway, I am really proud of the USA gymanstics teams. First for the men who blew the pommel horse and were still immensely happy with the bronze. I loved their reaction and how happy and releived they were to be standing on the medal podium. While the women weren't at all happy about their silver, I was moved by the solidarity they showed to Alicia Sacramone. It was touching to see everyone hugging her and trying to console her. I hope she gets a medal in the vault to take away some of the sting of her bad performances. But nonetheless, I like that our gymnasts seem to be good people along with being good athletes.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Rehearsal
I'll start off the bat by saying, PLEASE HAVE A REHEARSAL! PLEASE! I know you think thing will run themselves but really you need a rehearsal. Of course I am preaching to the choir because all of you are smart, organized people but if some clueless person happens by, HAVE A REHEARSAL!
Even if everyone involved knows the program backwards and forwards, a rehearsal is helpful because:
1. You never know how the timing will go until you actually run through things. It's hard to account for things like how long it will take for someone to stand up to give their speech or clear their throat.
2. Not everyone is a public speaker. Giving someone a test run will boost their confidence.
3. You never know with acoustics. If you are un-mic'ed, you will need to see how far your voice will carry. If you are miced, you will have to futz with the sound system to make sure there isn't feedback.
4. What you envision in your head may not work out in the space. Sometimes the space in the front is configured weirdly. Sometimes you need to move people in the wedding party around. Sometimes the table with the unity candle is too big. Either way, you need to make sure everything fits.
How do you run a rehearsal? I always start with the placement. Place the wedding party first. Where are people standing? For people who are doing readings, where will they sit so that they will have easy access to the front of the room. Where's the objects necessary for the ceremony? How will you get them to where they need to go? Then next step after the placement is the processional. Once everyone is placed, practice how they will get there. Line everyone up and have them walk to their respective places. Then practice the recessional. It's good to do the processional and recessional practice twice so everyone is comfortable walking on and off. The last part of the rehearsal is the actual running through the program. This can be done quickly with the officiant just going over the order of the program and having the people responsible for each section identify themselves. If people are nervous, you should have them read. Even if they are not reading their actual speech have them do the pledge of allegiance to get them comfortable speaking.
The true goal of the rehearsal is to make sure everyone is comfortable with what will happen. One the day of the wedding things will change and not go according to plan. And often those are the things you remember fondly. Hopefully the rehearsal will allow you to be open to all of the fun spontaneous things and not obsess about the things that are supposed to happen.
Even if everyone involved knows the program backwards and forwards, a rehearsal is helpful because:
1. You never know how the timing will go until you actually run through things. It's hard to account for things like how long it will take for someone to stand up to give their speech or clear their throat.
2. Not everyone is a public speaker. Giving someone a test run will boost their confidence.
3. You never know with acoustics. If you are un-mic'ed, you will need to see how far your voice will carry. If you are miced, you will have to futz with the sound system to make sure there isn't feedback.
4. What you envision in your head may not work out in the space. Sometimes the space in the front is configured weirdly. Sometimes you need to move people in the wedding party around. Sometimes the table with the unity candle is too big. Either way, you need to make sure everything fits.
How do you run a rehearsal? I always start with the placement. Place the wedding party first. Where are people standing? For people who are doing readings, where will they sit so that they will have easy access to the front of the room. Where's the objects necessary for the ceremony? How will you get them to where they need to go? Then next step after the placement is the processional. Once everyone is placed, practice how they will get there. Line everyone up and have them walk to their respective places. Then practice the recessional. It's good to do the processional and recessional practice twice so everyone is comfortable walking on and off. The last part of the rehearsal is the actual running through the program. This can be done quickly with the officiant just going over the order of the program and having the people responsible for each section identify themselves. If people are nervous, you should have them read. Even if they are not reading their actual speech have them do the pledge of allegiance to get them comfortable speaking.
The true goal of the rehearsal is to make sure everyone is comfortable with what will happen. One the day of the wedding things will change and not go according to plan. And often those are the things you remember fondly. Hopefully the rehearsal will allow you to be open to all of the fun spontaneous things and not obsess about the things that are supposed to happen.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Witnessing History
On the first day same-gender marriages were performed, I completely forgot about the whole shebang. After work, I passed by Oakland's City Hall and saw about eight or nine camera crews and a bunch of photographers. I wondered what was going on and I saw a few people with PFLAG buttons and bags of rice and flower petals. One of them told me that 18 same-gender couples would be married at City Hall that evening. Initially, I was just going to wait outside and throw flower petals at the couples leaving but then, on the the PFLAGers told me that you could watch the ceremony from the galleries. Being a big ol' wedding freak, I was SOOOOO there.
The atmosphere in the room was like a big party. An eclectic mix of love songs was coming out of the loudspeaker and friends, family, and well wishers thronged the city council room. We waited for two hours, or as I remember it, "I'm Coming Out" being played three times on the music loop. Every so often, a city official would come and say, "the couples are signing their forms. They'll be here soon and we can start."
Finally, Mayor Ron Dellums, his wife Cynthia, Congresswoman Barbara Lee, and some Chinese city councilperson came in. All of the folks got big cheers but particularly Congresswoman Lee (the lone person to vote against the use of force following the Sept. 11 attacks) who was treated like a rock star. I was immensely impressed with all of the officials. They were there to witness and officiate, no long speeches, no pontificating. In fact, the only thing Congresswoman Lee did was sign marriage certificates and hug people. Good on you! I was moved by Mayor Dellums opening words, "what led up to this point was hard. Today is easy because THE LAW IS ON OUR SIDE!" This was history and everyone recognized it and cheered as if history was being made and it was.
What made this special was all of the people there to support the couples. Family, friends, random people like me who wanted to see history made. I was sitting next to a straight couple who shared a nanny with the first couple to take their vows. Behind me was the extended family of a Chinese lesbian couple that includes siblings, parents, spouses of siblings, and nieces and nephews.
Surprisingly, everyone around me was very optimistic that the ballot initiative to overturn the Supreme Court decision would go our way. When I asked them why they thought so, they replied, "the world is moving on." It made me think of all of you and the love and support we've gotten from our awesome friends. Is the world turning more like the coolio people who've become our friends? The polls about the ballot initiative seem to be affirming the optimism of my seatmates. It appears 51% of Californians polled oppose changing our state Constitution.
When the 18 couples filed in and took their seats the roar of the crowd was electric. There was a buzz of anticipation when the first couple was called to the front. Their 20 month son insisted on opening the gate to the council chamber. They took their vows to love each other and be faithful. Mayor Dellum beamed when he said "By the authority given to me as the Mayor of Oakland, I now pronounce you married by the laws of the state of California." All of our hearts swelled at that moment and the biggest cheer was let out at the first same-gender couple legally married in Oakland. At that point, I called Jonathan and told him to come to City Hall after he was done with work. A half an hour later, he was there holding my hand and witnessing couple after couple come up and take their vows in front of two of the staunchest civil rights leaders of our time, and some Chinese City Councilmember. :) Everyone said their "I do's" differently. Some said a simple "yes," others said "ABSOLUTELY!" others said "yes, just like I did in 2004."
The couples who got married were the most diverse group I've ever seen. Interracial couples of all ethnicities. Older couples. Male, Female. Couples with kids. Couples with big families surrounding them. A native American couple gave Mayor Dellums a sage nosegay for his support. Yes we are in the Bay area. I was caught up in the euphoria of the moment but then a couple with an Asian man and a white man and their three Latino children came up. Jonathan whispered in my ear, "They'll never take those kids away from that couple." And I totally lost it. It didn't help that the kids started crying from happiness when Mayor Dellums pronounced them married. Seriously, I didn't cry this much at my own wedding.
The crowd gave its last cheer when the finally couple took their vows and then chaos. Mayor Dellums, like a father at a wedding, asked all the couples to gather on the steps of city hall for a picture. Families were hugging and laughing, and crying. In the marble foyer, there was cake and champagne for the happy couples. J and I left after the ceremony and headed home to our apartment four blocks away.
The atmosphere in the room was like a big party. An eclectic mix of love songs was coming out of the loudspeaker and friends, family, and well wishers thronged the city council room. We waited for two hours, or as I remember it, "I'm Coming Out" being played three times on the music loop. Every so often, a city official would come and say, "the couples are signing their forms. They'll be here soon and we can start."
Finally, Mayor Ron Dellums, his wife Cynthia, Congresswoman Barbara Lee, and some Chinese city councilperson came in. All of the folks got big cheers but particularly Congresswoman Lee (the lone person to vote against the use of force following the Sept. 11 attacks) who was treated like a rock star. I was immensely impressed with all of the officials. They were there to witness and officiate, no long speeches, no pontificating. In fact, the only thing Congresswoman Lee did was sign marriage certificates and hug people. Good on you! I was moved by Mayor Dellums opening words, "what led up to this point was hard. Today is easy because THE LAW IS ON OUR SIDE!" This was history and everyone recognized it and cheered as if history was being made and it was.
What made this special was all of the people there to support the couples. Family, friends, random people like me who wanted to see history made. I was sitting next to a straight couple who shared a nanny with the first couple to take their vows. Behind me was the extended family of a Chinese lesbian couple that includes siblings, parents, spouses of siblings, and nieces and nephews.
Surprisingly, everyone around me was very optimistic that the ballot initiative to overturn the Supreme Court decision would go our way. When I asked them why they thought so, they replied, "the world is moving on." It made me think of all of you and the love and support we've gotten from our awesome friends. Is the world turning more like the coolio people who've become our friends? The polls about the ballot initiative seem to be affirming the optimism of my seatmates. It appears 51% of Californians polled oppose changing our state Constitution.
When the 18 couples filed in and took their seats the roar of the crowd was electric. There was a buzz of anticipation when the first couple was called to the front. Their 20 month son insisted on opening the gate to the council chamber. They took their vows to love each other and be faithful. Mayor Dellum beamed when he said "By the authority given to me as the Mayor of Oakland, I now pronounce you married by the laws of the state of California." All of our hearts swelled at that moment and the biggest cheer was let out at the first same-gender couple legally married in Oakland. At that point, I called Jonathan and told him to come to City Hall after he was done with work. A half an hour later, he was there holding my hand and witnessing couple after couple come up and take their vows in front of two of the staunchest civil rights leaders of our time, and some Chinese City Councilmember. :) Everyone said their "I do's" differently. Some said a simple "yes," others said "ABSOLUTELY!" others said "yes, just like I did in 2004."
The couples who got married were the most diverse group I've ever seen. Interracial couples of all ethnicities. Older couples. Male, Female. Couples with kids. Couples with big families surrounding them. A native American couple gave Mayor Dellums a sage nosegay for his support. Yes we are in the Bay area. I was caught up in the euphoria of the moment but then a couple with an Asian man and a white man and their three Latino children came up. Jonathan whispered in my ear, "They'll never take those kids away from that couple." And I totally lost it. It didn't help that the kids started crying from happiness when Mayor Dellums pronounced them married. Seriously, I didn't cry this much at my own wedding.
The crowd gave its last cheer when the finally couple took their vows and then chaos. Mayor Dellums, like a father at a wedding, asked all the couples to gather on the steps of city hall for a picture. Families were hugging and laughing, and crying. In the marble foyer, there was cake and champagne for the happy couples. J and I left after the ceremony and headed home to our apartment four blocks away.
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